Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[Surfer]

PsySara

Finally got round to reading up on your sitch. Apologies it's taken some time.

In short, SH is right. Detach. I don't really know what this means for everyone else. This is how I am doing it right now - I do change how I approach it at times. This is working though. You know the analogy of "the Circus"? Well have you considered him just "a Clown", literally or even metaphorically. I just think a lot of their behaviour, it's been said so many times, is like that of a teenager. What do Clowns and Teenagers have in common? They try to get your attention in unorthodox ways. Okay granted he might not be behaving this way just to get your attention but why would he talk about the OW to you? Think about it.

So be the adult. Detach from the clowning around. He is afterall just being a clown.

Also. What's the worst case? If he leaves, gets together with OW - so what? You know what your life would look like (god knows you have envisioned it so many times), it would be fine and you would find happiness. So, why worry? Why fear losing him? Let him go. If he wants you and wants to treat you with respect he can but then you are in charge of that decision. He can then work to win you back. But right now, let him go. Do this to take control. Perverse I know. But if that makes me a pervert I will gladly wear that label.

Boundaries. Just tell him in a calm moment "you know when you mentioned this about OW? It made me feel hurt because [tell him how you felt]". Then tell him that you care about him and respect him but you need him to do the same and that means not talking about OW with you because it would make you feel [repeat your feelings]. Give him that clear boundary. Now you need a consequence. What do you think would work? You could outline a few and I'll gladly comment to help? As will others I am sure.

Why do we do this, when all we want to do is vent at them or others? Well, venting never really does much for the R (it only provides a temporary "release" for ther venting party) whereas a boundary will help you to regain control of what is happening. You set the rules. You set out the boundary and you administer the consequences for breaching that boundary. You are in control. Secondly it lets your WH understand, like a teenager, that they need to observe the boundaries. You did this with your D18 (still do I expect), you can do it with your WH.

What you must do however is detach. How do you do this with a teenager? Okay you get p!ssed off with their behaviour. But do you stop loving them when you set boundaries? Of course not. Do you get angry? Clearly yes. Does it last? No. You Administer the consequences and remind them what they did, remind them of the boundary, what the consequences were, how it made you feel and that you love them. You thank them for observing your boundary. You grow as a 'team'.

So what is the consequence to crossing this "OW talk boundary"?

PsySara. You are not alone here. You are allowed to have and feel emotions you know. You are not a robot. Don't beat yourself up if you feel frustrated or if you say or do the wrong thing. We all do. It's totally normal. Just try to do it less - detach from the frustration as soon as you can when a trigger is fired. Be an emotional athlete. Your eamotions race, like a pulse, with training you can calm them quickly - like an athletes pulse returning to normal quickly. You just need to practice. To train.

People are listening, observing and will help you on your journey. You are not alone. Remember that.

Surfer.