Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi SH, Painter, and Lovely Vanilla. It really helps a lot to know that I've got you looking in on me, and also to know that I have you sending me excellent advice on the whole nasty D nightmare.

So, I'm hanging in there today. Another day spent in gathering information and then signing paperwork and giving above paperwork to my L. It's kind of exhausting.

I just spent a good 5 hours gathering up my own information, and then trying to figure out any more info on STBXH. I came up with a whole lot of not much on that front. He blocked me from all of his social media long ago, so his is a faint trail to follow. I still don't have any idea even where he is living...

I did have one really, really good thing happen to me today, well, a couple actually, but this one was a total surprise.

I was getting off the elevator at my L's office, the door opened, and I looked directly into the face of someone who knows both what's going on with me, and understands exactly what I am going through. In a lovely coincidence, and entirely unbeknownst to me, a woman I've been keeping in touch with from the Beyond Affairs Network meetings happens to work in the same building as my L! I walked out of the elevator and immediately got a big wonderful hug from her, and then we talked for a least half an hour. It was so nice to see her again.

This evening was my usual girls' night out with my mom, and that was nice. I'm pretty stressed these days, but I can put it aside for stretches at a time and enjoy the company of people that care about me.

H-friend let me know that an artist we both enjoy was live-streaming a concert online this evening, so I watched that. I've never had a live concert in my living room before, so that was a novelty. Plus I "shared" the experience with her, even if we were in different towns, watching on different screens, so we were able to talk about it afterward.

So... yes, the high-conflict divorce. It seems they only end when one person gives in. I have expressed my interest in settling this from he very beginning, so I guess I just have to hope that at some point STBXH comes around to that point, too. Until then, it's a lawyer's field day.

V, I have been gathering and organizing information like a crazy person. To the point that I have piles of documents strewn all over my entire living room floor. It's looks pretty crazy. I have no idea what will be of use/interest, so I am just finding and organizing everything I can that might be even slightly useful. I dropped an entire stack of stuff off with my L to copy today - documents I had written, bills, statements, on and on... I don't even want to consider wha this is going to cost.

I just want this all to stop, but if STBXH doesn't want to work out something reasonable, then I have to fight him. Certainly he has decided that all of our assets are his, and he wants to take his toys and go home. It's s stupid attitude, though, because he knows as well as I do that all of our assets are marital assets, not his or mine alone. It's a waste of everyone's time to even bother with all his subjective spewing, but his L apparently wasn't inclined to reign him in. We're in a no-fault state!!! I can't get into he details, but this is all a stupid war that any sensible person would want to settle. He's just not sensible right now.

I found out today that I do have to appear in court next week, and that STBXH is also likely to be there. Yikes. I am going to have to do some serious mental prep work to be able to get through that. I know that I will have my L sitting there next to me, but I know that I am going to struggle to hold it together. Yesterday, I started to shake and breathe rapidly and heavily (just before hyperventilating kicks in) just reading the awful things that WH wrote in his affidavit. IT was a two Xanax day, and I haven't taken any of that in WEEKS! I can't begin to imagine seeing him for the first time since April in a courtroom. My mom has offered to come along, and I know that my therapist will urge me to take her up on the offer (he already suggested that it would be both good for me to have people along with me, and it would also show that I am strongly supported by my family in this action), but that will be hard for me to do. I mean, at 45 years old, it seems pretty weak to bring a parent to court with me...

Pride goeth before the fall... but I have to have a couple shreds of dignity left to me in all of this...

So, as usual, I am up at a stupidly late hour. It's 5 am and I really, really need to get to bed. For once, I am yawning and tired. I have no sleep pattern anymore. This week I have gone o bed at 7 am, midnight, 2 am, 11 pm, and 5 am tonight. I don't know why I've started doing this. When I'm in bed, I can generally sleep, but it's getting myself to GO to bed that's becoming difficult. It's been a lot worse since I had those awful dreams last week. Maybe I just don't want to face another night of that...

Regardless, It is well past time to hit the hay. Tomorrow is another day of dealing with all of this.

Goodnight fellow DBers. My apologies for my absence these days. Know that my thoughts are with you, even if I'm unable to check in as often as I would prefer.