The Fight For Self III

[mulesqb]

You have had an incredible and supportive impact on me as of your recent appearance. I do believe you do not have to be here by anything other than choice at this point, so in this you have my respect. Know that one day I will either be here beside you, doing what you do for others here, or I will be here in your stead, doing what you have done for others. My hat is tipped sir.

It's hard to explain. I'm 7 years removed and just felt incredibly happy in my situation at home and started thinking about this place. For a long time it represented sadness to me and brought back a lot of bad memories. Then I started thinking about how happy I am in my current R and how I got here. Simply put, there is no way I would be in such a happy, healthy R without the guidance I received here from so many. People who just stuck with me. Stuck with me no matter how stubborn I was. One of them became a very close friend who lived over a thousand miles away. We met once face to face when he and he wife (who reconciled through this site) visited my 3 sons and I on vacation. He had an incredible impact on me. Sadly he passed away 3 years ago from a heart attack. At one point during my journey we talked every day. I think about our talks all the time and how we helped each other through the most trying experiences of our lives. My kids loved him even though they only met him once.

Now to you. What an incredible post.

I did choose to aim for and shoot at the absolute largest and most obvious target in my life - my sitch - as being the number 1 thing I wanted removed. But, via your question, was this response and reaction being honest with myself in terms of meeting my goals? It was not. It was me seeking the easy and the escape.

I had a feeling this was the case. Just wanted to make sure. I honestly thought you would figure it out and you did. And by the way, it's ok. This journey can be incredibly exhausting on your emotions.

I realized that in detachment, emotions are acceptable and natural. I allowed them to move through me and today they passed.

It won't be the last time. But you are right on this.

Before detachment, emotions owned me. I was telling someone else this evening how how I was needy, dependent, and void of my usual self-confidence prior to detachment.

I used to question myself on this. How could I allow another person to give me such an emotional beat down?? But it was real. But when the self confidence comes back it's stronger and more mature than you could ever think possible. This new you is the person you want to go forward with. I think I may have mentioned that when it happened, it took all the awkwardness out of any dealings with my XW. In fact, to this day it hasn't changed and I can honestly say I feel that she knows she screwed up and wished she could have a mulligan.

Emotions conquered, ruled me, and consumed me. I was never sure if I would be ok, I never realized a possible future beyond the one I envisioned with my W; I still wanted to be in control. Recovery from emotion then did not seem possible. So I staged through as a matter of cycle (wish it could have been choice), and I hit the detach. But what I have now realized, I can still have ups and down. The difference is, I know I am good, i know emotions are not only acceptable, but natural. I am able to allow them in, accept them, and recover.

When I was in IC back in the day, my IC called this mourning your old R. It's recognizing it's gone and it's sad. But this passes the stronger that you become.

What I want, I want to continue improvement of the self. If achieving this improvement means I mistake, I stumble, I have to ask for help - that to me is healthy, normal, and natural. mulesqb, I know it is not only alright to aks for help (even when you may not know you are crying out for it), it may be one of the bravest things you can do. My 'self' cried for help, I was answered.

This is incredibly on point CT. That's why when I read your posts I know you are going to have an incredible next phase. Whether that includes a new R with your WW or somebody else, it doesn't matter. It will be amazing. I can vouch.

And while I read it over a month ago, it took me a bit to accept it. And while I accepted it for my own reality, dismissing the need for it takes time - thus I accept that it takes time, and I have just received a reminder.

Honestly, I really think you have this under...see what I did there!

I will. I know this. I will forget this again at some point. I will need help again at some point. The distance between points is increasing. The day will come where those points are measured in enjoying the Journey as opposed to seeking the destination. I am just beginning to respect the Journey. I really want...

It is so amazing that you said this. When I was going through this I had such a different perspective. Now looking back I realize this was an amazing point of my life where I was defining to myself exactly who I am. And the best part was that I did this for me, not anyone else. Again you are on point. The destination will come soon enough. Enjoy the the journey and all the bumps along the road that it brings.

I want the map I use to be the map which I make. I want to be the man I know is in me and always was. I want to be better because I am better - better for you, better for my son, better for others, better for my self, better because I...AM...BETTER. I want my actions to meet my words - they will, I will, and self will.

CT, If I can make a suggestion, print this statement out and keep it with you. I think it will have an incredible impact on you going forward. I did that with a post that someone had sent me and it was amazing how many times it enabled me to just reach for strength that I didn't know I had in me. I think you can take this paragraph and post it on every newcomers wall as the newcomer's mantra.

Super is not the absence of fear, it is the acknowledgement of fear and the actions we take despite it.

Perfect!

"It is only through the adversities in our lives that true courage be revealed. In the face of your challenges, you have been an inspiration. You are the bravest person I will ever know. I love you."

What an amazing moment in your life. I have no doubt your cousin heard you and was comforted by you.

The value of her life is not defined by its distance - she is my superhero.

Incredible respect here.

This response took days of honest reflection and form to achieve what I wanted, I did so for self, but anyway, thanks mulesqb for pulling on the teeth. Goodnight DB.

CT - I am awed by your mindset. You are going to take so much of this experience forward. I know this is emotionally and sometimes physically draining. But you are handling the defining moment of your adult life with courage, strength and honor. Keep doing what you are doing. Embrace the lows along with the highs. It gets better. And then it gets great. You have been given the opportunity to redefine who you are. See the upside of that. Some people coast through their adult life. It's easy. But that is not living. You are becoming CT 2.0...and then 3.0...you have learned so much about your self. I think you have won that fight.

Strength and Honor.

Mules