Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Painter]

((((Phoebe)))), this is horrid and so unfair. I'm so very sorry you had to read that.

It's good that you have had time to recover since the BD and establish a support system for yourself. You have friends, a personal advisor, and professionals who know your story and can support you.

I think you will weather this.

[J5K]

Phoebe,

I am sorry to hear what an a$$hole STBXH is. I guess when it gets to this point, they all the WAS's go for the jugular. The best we can do is defend ourselves and keep our integrity.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Phoebe]

Thank you, JK and Painter. I'm just a mess right now. I know that this has to eventually, and that I'll get through it, but I'm sad and unhappy and hurt all over agsin by STBXH's words and I just want all of this to be over with. I want to be able to move on with my life without having to fear when the next shoe is going to drop. There seems to be a whole freaking closet of shoes up there somewhere, just waiting to clobber me. When will the next one drop down, and what will it be?

I'm just feeling so exhausted again. No energy, no ambition, just a whole lot of ambivalence about everything. I just don't care anymore. I keep fighting. Crates I know I have to, but my heart's just not in it.

[Painter]

That's what the Ls are for - to make sure you get what's fair when you are to tired and emotional to fight.

[Vanilla]

Phoebe

Yes I get it, of course his paperwork is going to be rubbish, nonsense and totally crap.

I want you to stay very calm ok.

What I have to say is very tough and hard to know.

Your D is high conflict. Please Google a high conflict D. There are some terrific books and resources available on high conflict legal interactions. You may need to read twice or more before it catches you and you won't like what you read. There is also a resource 10 mistakes men make in..... it is a good read, yes I know you and I aren't men these resources are essentially for those with the greater assets and knowledge in this is power. Sadly you will need to know your local laws and on legal issues perhaps ask for new opinions plus getting your own. There may be Ds like yours kicking about in Divorce Resource Groups, go seek that knowledge.

Expect lies, problems and counter moves from this Wassock. He broke the court order, if he has moved the cash it should still be there, a contempt of court with discovery will resolve it. You can suggest that he place the cash in his L client account in Escrow. At minimum you can expose lies, ask who gave him that advice and confirmation can be sought in court if it was his L. I would bet it wasn't. You can show the transaction you made by analysing the accounts. Ask for an analysis of the transactions he made if you don't have it. If you have an accountant friend ask them to help you lay this out with analysis and good summaries. Judges seem to love good summaries. In my case The Giggalo drew 85,000 in cash from accounts, I asked for it to be analysed and provided my analysis of my expenditure. This can be added back to his assets. There is a UK L called MariLynn Stowe who deals with taking the emotion out of D legals. I go there often to remind myself this is business. I am the little bird tweeting in your ear D is business. Be upset for a limited period Phoebe then D is business. Get great white anger.

The time for action in my view is now. You got this.

Phoebe you will need your ducks in a row, neatly and information at your finger tips on your fins. Your L can't do that for you, they can present the facts as you have them. The courts interpret facts presented and take the he said she said out of it. That means being proactive.

This will mean taking his statement and finding evidence to counter everything he says with facts and evidence. It will make you sick to your stomach. I had to strip the Giggalo FB account and examine every word to prove he had left the UK. For example his ex boss posted "living in Italy suits you" and a copy of his resignation from his golf club showing the date he resigned, this was inconsistent with the things he put on his forms.

INTEL. I did this myself with my two besties doing various bits for me and letting me cry. Others photocopied my packs so I didn't have to repeatly see the lying arse in print and pictures. He lied and the paperwork shows he lied.

Doing this hurt, it was disgusting and it triggered me. I puked a lot and had nightmares. Didn't sleep. I analysed every transaction in my books and bank account. Every one. I valued everything and had details of costs purchases. Hours I worked and my payments contributions and copies of bank statements, figures and assets. Dates things were purchased.

It took quite a bit of time to do. I don't take cash any more to pay for things instead I pay on cards as it leaves a trail.

Everything is organised and analysed.

All of the Giggalo statements countered.

Dearest Phoebe, you will harden your heart, treat your D as business like the Courts do. Evidence based. I am serious about reporting him for a breach of the Court Order. I wish I could come hold your hand through this, truly you deserve better.

I went through the Giggalo statements on D papers and each statement I analysed with three friends. Getting their opinions and memories. I obtained letters from other advisers too and processed those. Witness statements that countered everything he said that I wished to counter. Some of it I will use, some isn't worth the effort of countering. One friend was great at spotting inconsistencies in his paperwork.

This is dreadful, awful to deal with, and I know you will and can put your emotion to one side. You can cry when the work is done.

I know this is the worst and nothing you did means you deserve this. Nothing at all, this is the Wassock.

Hold tight, bumpy road ahead. Here have some more fire and grit sent in a big package wrapped in rainbows. Imagine you are made of steel and fire, my Phoebe is a determined lady. She is a lady of action and direction. You are hurting my lovely one let's get the white anger on it.

Let loose here Phoebe.

We are listening.

V

[Painter]

^^^^^

Great advise from Vanilla! She's further along in this grueling process, so listen to her.

It's very difficult to harden yourself to where you become proactive. It's not in our nature to trick or lie to our spouses. Unfortunately, the honest and hesitant person is often the one to lose this game because we wait for the other person to make a move before we do. We don't like who we feel we are if we get proactive. It's a conflict I don't know the solution to, except doing what I have done - gathered tons of intel and consulted with a number of L so I know what my next move is in response to a variety of scenarios. In my case, though, there is already a property settlement agreement in place, which makes it easier.

(((((Phoebe)))))

We're here for you!

[SH_]

Phoebe

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but what Vanilla shares is of sound logic and information as I have read a little in the case that my D were to head into conflict waters...

Lawyers are there to help us, but I fear that sometimes they will not go to the lengths that are needed to always help us...
There will be much that falls to you and I am praying that the needed guidance,inspiration and strength is there for you.

You have been able to gather great strength over the past months and I see a strong calm prepared Phoebe.
That does not mean that it will be easy not come without a fight, but you will need to protect yourself and often times in a fight, that will require efficient offensive movement as well as defensive.

I will be here for you and I know that may seem without much punch as these are a words on a screen from a faceless person whom you met virtually not much time ago, but, I can tell you that I truely do pray for you, I think of you, I worry for you and I am a real caring person for you on this side of the thin veil that is the virtual forum and community...
A very thin veil that has another side...

Keep us posted...don't let the numbness keep you from us here, we are here, even as I hide a bit to resolve my own challenges, I am here for you.

(((((Phoebe)))))

[Vanilla]

How are you Phoebe?

Just checking in offer some hugs.

V

[Phoebe]

Hi SH, Painter, and Lovely Vanilla. It really helps a lot to know that I've got you looking in on me, and also to know that I have you sending me excellent advice on the whole nasty D nightmare.

So, I'm hanging in there today. Another day spent in gathering information and then signing paperwork and giving above paperwork to my L. It's kind of exhausting.

I just spent a good 5 hours gathering up my own information, and then trying to figure out any more info on STBXH. I came up with a whole lot of not much on that front. He blocked me from all of his social media long ago, so his is a faint trail to follow. I still don't have any idea even where he is living...

I did have one really, really good thing happen to me today, well, a couple actually, but this one was a total surprise.

I was getting off the elevator at my L's office, the door opened, and I looked directly into the face of someone who knows both what's going on with me, and understands exactly what I am going through. In a lovely coincidence, and entirely unbeknownst to me, a woman I've been keeping in touch with from the Beyond Affairs Network meetings happens to work in the same building as my L! I walked out of the elevator and immediately got a big wonderful hug from her, and then we talked for a least half an hour. It was so nice to see her again.

This evening was my usual girls' night out with my mom, and that was nice. I'm pretty stressed these days, but I can put it aside for stretches at a time and enjoy the company of people that care about me.

H-friend let me know that an artist we both enjoy was live-streaming a concert online this evening, so I watched that. I've never had a live concert in my living room before, so that was a novelty. Plus I "shared" the experience with her, even if we were in different towns, watching on different screens, so we were able to talk about it afterward.

So... yes, the high-conflict divorce. It seems they only end when one person gives in. I have expressed my interest in settling this from he very beginning, so I guess I just have to hope that at some point STBXH comes around to that point, too. Until then, it's a lawyer's field day.

V, I have been gathering and organizing information like a crazy person. To the point that I have piles of documents strewn all over my entire living room floor. It's looks pretty crazy. I have no idea what will be of use/interest, so I am just finding and organizing everything I can that might be even slightly useful. I dropped an entire stack of stuff off with my L to copy today - documents I had written, bills, statements, on and on... I don't even want to consider wha this is going to cost.

I just want this all to stop, but if STBXH doesn't want to work out something reasonable, then I have to fight him. Certainly he has decided that all of our assets are his, and he wants to take his toys and go home. It's s stupid attitude, though, because he knows as well as I do that all of our assets are marital assets, not his or mine alone. It's a waste of everyone's time to even bother with all his subjective spewing, but his L apparently wasn't inclined to reign him in. We're in a no-fault state!!! I can't get into he details, but this is all a stupid war that any sensible person would want to settle. He's just not sensible right now.

I found out today that I do have to appear in court next week, and that STBXH is also likely to be there. Yikes. I am going to have to do some serious mental prep work to be able to get through that. I know that I will have my L sitting there next to me, but I know that I am going to struggle to hold it together. Yesterday, I started to shake and breathe rapidly and heavily (just before hyperventilating kicks in) just reading the awful things that WH wrote in his affidavit. IT was a two Xanax day, and I haven't taken any of that in WEEKS! I can't begin to imagine seeing him for the first time since April in a courtroom. My mom has offered to come along, and I know that my therapist will urge me to take her up on the offer (he already suggested that it would be both good for me to have people along with me, and it would also show that I am strongly supported by my family in this action), but that will be hard for me to do. I mean, at 45 years old, it seems pretty weak to bring a parent to court with me...

Pride goeth before the fall... but I have to have a couple shreds of dignity left to me in all of this...

So, as usual, I am up at a stupidly late hour. It's 5 am and I really, really need to get to bed. For once, I am yawning and tired. I have no sleep pattern anymore. This week I have gone o bed at 7 am, midnight, 2 am, 11 pm, and 5 am tonight. I don't know why I've started doing this. When I'm in bed, I can generally sleep, but it's getting myself to GO to bed that's becoming difficult. It's been a lot worse since I had those awful dreams last week. Maybe I just don't want to face another night of that...

Regardless, It is well past time to hit the hay. Tomorrow is another day of dealing with all of this.

Goodnight fellow DBers. My apologies for my absence these days. Know that my thoughts are with you, even if I'm unable to check in as often as I would prefer.

[Vanilla]

Phoebe

I am glad sweet that you are getting Intel.

With regard to Social Media, you need a good friend or two to help you with this. Someone preferably someone the Wassock does not know and has not much of a social media presence who will assist you with their profile.

Please capture the screen, use a new tablet or one reset to factory settings and a coffee shop. Then screen print like crazy.

Here is what to look for:

1. Locations, including hotels, holidays, parties etc
2. As well as the Wassock look at his friends particularly new ones and where they are, they are less likely to be guadded. Wassocks like to boast on social media.
3. Check his close relatives and long standing friends, do they have new friends in common with the Wassock?
4. What are his likes? Cafes, clubs, sports and activities
5. Does the Wassock have any regular purchases he makes
6. Illnesses
7. Does he have an association he is a member of?
8. Is he on linkedin
9. Google him, you would be surprised at that which you find
10. A CV? Go through each job since he was 16, any pensions? Remember some pensions are worth a great deal more than others. You may wish these to be audited for value.

Sort your items into type and number them, creating files for each.
Put items into date order and type
Get a well orgarnished friend to help you. If you can scan items into subdirectories.

Match your numbering to your forms for instance A1 box 2
Create summaries for each box with the document reference

Label each statement P1.1 P1.2 etc P for petitioner, R for respondent


Do this for you and save squillions on legal fees.

-------------------------------


I turned this into a game for myself. I got the idea from Jane Mcgonigle on TED Talks my very favourite talk on games that add to your life. I recommend the talk often.


My game, chapter 1, get D (won max points)

Chapter 2, the Fins

The game stage 1 is find The Giggalo. (I am stuck on level 4)

The objective: identify where he is (In Italy with RIT in Tuscany)
I don't have the address yet. I get a power up with the address so I am keen to have it.

Stage 2 Prove it and get court moved to my kingdom

The objective: using FB, pictures of the Giggalo with RIT, statements such as moved to Italy, cancelled golf Membership

I collected a shield and sword in this round, I fight my battle of my home turf, the defence is on higher grounder, I have the surprise attack and took full use of my magic spell.

Stage 3 Defend my castle

The objective: get his name off my property

I collected a powerful army on this and rebuild my castle wall boundary with boiling oil and tar, my army is rested and rearmed. Castle mine. Breaches mended.

Stage 4 Defend my gold

The objective: get rid of the invading army, have them on the retreat, pick off their generals (fake L reported to the court) save my gold.

Early level 1 but have paperwork and plan

Stage 5: Heal

The objective: gather healing spells and magic potions

Not yet started very well. Extreme self care strategy!

Really not getting very far

----------------------------------

Let me know if you need more fire to hone your weapons and shoe your steeds.

Big hugs Phoebe

V