The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

mulesqb

You have had an incredible and supportive impact on me as of your recent appearance. I do believe you do not have to be here by anything other than choice at this point, so in this you have my respect. Know that one day I will either be here beside you, doing what you do for others here, or I will be here in your stead, doing what you have done for others. My hat is tipped sir.

So, what is it I really want? To begin with, perhaps to sum it all up, I want my head out of my own ass and to get back on track for myself. I was thinking today about your proposal. These thoughts led exponentially into other thoughts and teachings I have had here and from various conversations and teachings I have had along my Journey during this fight for self.

I accepted my actions last week of turning towards the D papers. I owned them. I understood that I was truthful in my reply to Wonka and all of you. I did hit a point of extreme fatigue brought about by many things current in my life. I did choose to aim for and shoot at the absolute largest and most obvious target in my life - my sitch - as being the number 1 thing I wanted removed. But, via your question, was this response and reaction being honest with myself in terms of meeting my goals? It was not. It was me seeking the easy and the escape.

What is true to myself - what I realized in these past few days - where SH_ inspired with example of his words - what I want is already what I am doing and what I have done. I want to be my own hero. By this, I am indeed the hero of my own story. See what happened today, in my pondering, I am in a new place as compared to before I detached a bit ago. I realized that in detachment, emotions are acceptable and natural. I allowed them to move through me and today they passed, partially with your help mulesqb and the direct/indirect help of so many others here and elsewhere.

Before detachment, emotions owned me. I was telling someone else this evening how how I was needy, dependent, and void of my usual self-confidence prior to detachment. Emotions conquered, ruled me, and consumed me. I was never sure if I would be ok, I never realized a possible future beyond the one I envisioned with my W; I still wanted to be in control. Recovery from emotion then did not seem possible. So I staged through as a matter of cycle (wish it could have been choice), and I hit the detach. But what I have now realized, I can still have ups and down. The difference is, I know I am good, i know emotions are not only acceptable, but natural. I am able to allow them in, accept them, and recover.

What I want, I want to continue improvement of the self. If achieving this improvement means I mistake, I stumble, I have to ask for help - that to me is healthy, normal, and natural. mulesqb, I know it is not only alright to aks for help (even when you may not know you are crying out for it), it may be one of the bravest things you can do. My 'self' cried for help, I was answered.

The simple question "what do you really want" led me back to some older threads I have and other comments posed, chiefly:

What I see, is that you very much have to feel in control of most things.

This statement was made in early September. It has meant a whole lot. This is my senior issue in my personal life and I am not alone. I have read the word control so many times in male LBS sitch's in this place that i should not even begin to guess at the amount. And while I read it over a month ago, it took me a bit to accept it. And while I accepted it for my own reality, dismissing the need for it takes time - thus I accept that it takes time, and I have just received a reminder.

I have traveled very far, but not far enough for me...

Your timetable. Your gameplan. You will know what you want when you want it. You may never want to file. That's your right, and your personal decision.

I will. I know this. I will forget this again at some point. I will need help again at some point. The distance between points is increasing. The day will come where those points are measured in enjoying the Journey as opposed to seeking the destination. I am just beginning to respect the Journey. I really want...

I want to appreciate the Journey entire. I want to welcome the Journey as an improvement of self and as an increase of life. I want my own heart, mind, and conscience to be the vehicle I ride on the Journey. I want the map I use to be the map which I make. I want to be the man I know is in me and always was. I want to be better because I am better - better for you, better for my son, better for others, better for my self, better because I...AM...BETTER. I want my actions to meet my words - they will, I will, and self will.

SH_, I am the hero of my own story. I am not super because I am different, nor are you. We are super only if we recognize the strength in us is the strength of all people, in all lives ever, once called upon. Super is not the absence of fear, it is the acknowledgement of fear and the actions we take despite it. The only thing super inside us is us. I can bleed in front of an audience now, you know you can too. All of you help me as I need, in the way I need, when I need. I have no cape, I have no costume, no secret identity - to the contrary, I am naked before you, and I am not embarrassed. This is not easy, but this is what makes it super.

FG, you have expressed a welcome eye for my personal prose here. SH_ you have an affinity for superheros. To you both I offer a writing I produced for the death-bed eulogy of a superhero I knew once. It applies here and perhaps to all who have ever suffered in anyway. I hope I honor her by sharing it twice. It was my cousin, she died a decades long impossibly slow death from MS, one where capacity was removed from her one deprecating day at a time - despite this, she never showed anything but honesty in her loss. She is my only memory which can have me weeping, not in her loss, but for the heroism she taught me. And so I told her this on the very last day of her life when she offered no indication of hearing me, much less knowing I was present...it helps tho believe she knew:

"It is only through the adversities in our lives that true courage be revealed. In the face of your challenges, you have been an inspiration. You are the bravest person I will ever know. I love you."

I was 30 years old when I told her that (there is value in keeping a good journal), she was 41. Through her Journey, I saw her fight like an animal first day in the cage, laugh like a Roman drunk with Hedonism, and fear like a child in the closet with it's monster. She never once showed a dishonest emotion or was untrue to the self before others, I would like to do the same. The value of her life is not defined by its distance - she is my superhero. You all a my heroes, I wish for us all to become super in our own ways, to ourselves, if not to others.

This response took days of honest reflection and form to achieve what I wanted, I did so for self, but anyway, thanks mulesqb for pulling on the teeth. Goodnight DB.