I've seen several LBSs say they've felt ganged up on in MC. I get it now. I did feel ganged up on at times, as the MC let my wife really go on, and she unloaded. It was hard to hear, but, honestly, my W plays things so closely to the vest when it comes to this stuff, that it was literally the first time I've ever heard her entire perspective, laid out in a linear fashion, as to how she started to struggle with the R, what she did to try to cope, how she eventually gave up, etc. In her communications with me, it's always been bits and pieces and shards, which has been frustrating. I realized that the MC correctly deduced it's my W that is thinking she wants out, so I think there was a method to the ganged up dynamic -- get W talking freely, get her to feel like she can talk, be heard, be safe, etc., because she knows I'm there wanting it to succeed and am already bought in, and W is the one on the fence. In other words, the LBS can "take" the airing of grievances better than the WAS, because of our respective dynamics.
Hi JRuss - I hope you don't mind me chiming in. Just wanted to congratulate you getting your WW into MC. Awesome stuff. I can totally relate to your emotions. I remember them well.
I just wanted to point out your part about the LBS taking the heat better. I think you are exactly right. Eventually MC will turn the tables (like a political debate everyone gets a fair shake). To me that is the key part. I can tell you the day that happened with my XW was the last day she showed up at MC. I know a couple of other people that were on the boards with me back in the day experienced the same thing.
Just wanted to prepare for you for that possibility. An old poster with me used to look at the sitch as football game. You always want to be prepared for the other team's defense or offense. You want to have a play ready that you haven't called before. So let this sink in. Think about the possibilities. Prepare. No matter what happens you can act as if that is exactly what you expected to happen. Make sense?
Start game planning. You can handle this.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Mules -- I was just thinking the exact same thing. Even if (big if) the MC can get at least one of my W's feet back into the marriage in any way, we'll eventually have to get around to talking about some of the many ways she has contributed to us being here in addition to my contributions. That's not a message she's remotely prepared to hear at this moment, so, hopefully the MC will have a good sense of how to manage that. I appreciate you dropping by very much. I will be prepared.
lt-- here's hoping. I've been AWOL lately and need to catch up on your sitch. I hope you're finding some peace -- I know how tortuous the in-home thing is.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I should say I don't THINK its a message she's remotely prepared to hear -- I mind read way too much.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JRuss, we were only in MC for two sessions, and I didn't mention any issues with my H. It was all about his issues with me.
I felt his complaints and issues were much more significant than mine, and when I was faced with losing him, mine didn't seem so important.
However, I found that over time, with me consistently working on 180s, he started his own 180s. Just because you don't think she's ready to take responsibility now doesn't mean she won't be willing to change later.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks, Rose. I think I'm just going to take it one session at a time and see how it goes. I have issues and have for a long time that would need to be addressed and discussed for "us" to have any prospect of longterm recovery, but I'm not in a huge hurry for us to get there. I'm grateful we're there at all, frankly -- it took almost two years of trying to get her into the MC's office.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I would think that your W being able to express everything is cathartic and therapeutic in and of itself. Maybe not all her thoughts have been particularly reasonable, so the act of expressing herself could shape her thoughts and feelings, help her see herself better and think more reasonably.
Also, it seems to me, that the particulars aren't that important -- unless there were some egregious problems, like violence, drugs, etc. The willingness to talk about your relationship, and to accept the other's point of view w/o necessarily agreeing ... I mean, isn't that what makes a good marriage? So simply by being willing to talk honestly and openly, your W has taken the very first step to reconciling.
Don't tell her that, though.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG -- I do think she found it cathartic, and she said she liked the MC. Everything was pretty positive, accepting that we haven't done anything hard for her to handle yet.
I certainly will tell her none of what you wrote, even if I agree with all of it!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
