Yes, I remember the situation over the summer. But I did not know if it was just about the custody, as she was leaving the town, or it was a first step of divorce proceedings.
If she does not bring it up I would not bring it up either but I guess you do need to be prepared for the court. Better be safe than sorry. If you are worried about her reaction to you consulting the lawyer - does she need to know? I know it's difficult, I also always think how my h would react to what I'm about to do, but what can you do? She filed, doesn't talk about it now, so you just need to work with the info you have.
I think it is important that you consult the lawyer. If she ever discusses this with you then you can explain how you feel about it.
Regarding asking her if it's really what she wants. I would not ask, because my experience with h is that when I ask something directly it makes him very uncomfortable. I'm guessing because he does not really have the answer, he does not really know what he really wants. But if you want to avoid that she thinks it's something you want, you can always tell her (when you find a good opportunity, if not before 4th Nov maybe on the day when you meet her in the court) that you are only doing it because that's what she wanted (or something similar but the way that she does not need to answer but she gets the message that it's not what you want).
And you are right, don't think about whether she will come to see kids during the weekend or not. You worrying about it won't help anything. I know it's easier said than done but at least try...
Thanks Bee, I think this is good advice. I also need to heed my own advice in my thread title as well as be more patient, more compassionate/understanding, and a friend. I think I will continue as I have been and let her know it's not what I want closer to or on the court date as you said. And your right, no need mentioning meeting w/my lawyer as she is probably meeting w/hers and I'd be stupid not to.
About to get some much-needed sleep. S was sick puking and up most of the night so we didn't get much rest (I can't believe how sick we've all been getting over the last year, I think one of the dogs may have kennel cough now too, ugh..). This was very concerning due to his recent health. I texted w during the middle of the night. Weird but she told me at dinner she woke up immediately before I texted her and was looking at her phone for the time when it came through. Prior to her Mlc she always had good intuition, hopefully it's coming back. I took him to the pediatrician this morning and she thinks he just had a touch of the flu but said it was what she would've done too. He was much better by the time we got there. Going back Friday for the original follow up appointment date but he seems to be doing well!
I was a bit surprised tonight. W texted this evening and asked if we would like to go out to dinner. S was better and seemed fine so we went. It was nice, we talked quite a bit although sometimes she would get distracted or not pay much or any attention about some of the things I talked about. I made sure to listen to her though. She's really liking her new job and doing great at it which is fantastic and gave me plenty of opportunity to validate.
Going to try to focus on myself, kids, and patience.
Thanks bttrfly, I need to do a little better job of taking care of myself as I've been spreading myself thin and have been exhausted lately.
This post will probably be a little long as I've been to tired or busy to post lately. I've caught myself falling asleep posting a couple times and have just gone to bed.
I've been keeping busy and it's a little hard to GAL. I've been taking care of the kids full time so whatever I do has to include them but I've been making sure we get out and do things. We did a school movie night and hockey game this weekend so they had a good time. I've also been job hunting and have applied for a couple jobs. It's time for a change.
W is still coming over mornings and nights for dinner then going back to her friends. I've been trying to take the advice I've gotten and keep my expectations at zero and just enjoy my time. It's hard but I'm trying. We talk and joke a lot now. In addition to talking more she has been venting quite a lot to me too. I'm glad I'm able to be there to listen and that she's coming to me to do it. I'm not trying to give advice, fix, etc. just listen and validate.
Funny, I was all concerned about the upcoming 4th in my previous posts. We were at sons doctor's appointment and she scheduled his next follow up for that day. She had no clue. I told her it wouldn't work because of the court date and she told me we didn't need to be there which is not correct. I just let it go. I did have to meet with my attorney that following Monday and told her what was going on and that I was in no hurry. She suggested we put in a motion for a mediation so we wouldn't have to go to court that day and that would put things out awhile. W did get correspondence in regard to it and was acting standoffish with me that day but that was it. We haven't talked about it at all.
Also last week W asked to talk to me in the kitchen as soon as she walked in and then told me about a lady who she told me about a couple weeks ago who had a corgi and said she came to her back to her office and said she needed to find him a good home. W wanted him bad. I told her what the heck, I've already got a circus going on. She's been taking him to work and he stays here at night. He's actually been really good and W is loving having him. W has been brining up finding an apartment almost daily now though. The week before she told me she was going to wait awhile. I don't say too much about it. I've just told her not to rush into anything a couple times.
There have been a few things I don't know what to think about. For the last week or two she has been leaving before I put the kids to bed but I know she is tired and hasn't been feeling good with her condition. Last night she came over so we could carve pumpkins. W and I have always enjoyed this, even before we had kids. She was supposed to come over in the afternoon but said she didn't feel good (I know she didn't the day before and said her boss was sick too) and didn't want to make the kids sick but went shopping for the kids instead and didn't come over until dinner time. Then she hugged all over them when she got here and seemed fine. She stayed after and talked to me for a little while and I ended up giving her a back rub again. Things were nice and friendly. Also earlier in the evening she saw a necklace my mom left here this weekend and asked whose it was, then said "so you know, I wasn't trying to ask if you had a girl over or anything." She has slept in my bed a couple nights when I've had to go out of town (a few weeks ago she would stay on the couch) and has gained a good amount of weight (which I think is great), back to where she was before she lost a bunch before the crisis. She has also told me she is not sleeping well at all, that she has trouble falling and staying asleep. And tonight when she was leaving she told me to call her if I needed anything this evening. I told her thanks but was thinking what the heck.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing here. I'm trying to do what I think is right. To try with everything I have to save the marriage, keep my family together and to be a friend that is there for her. Things are a lot better between us but I wonder about the kids. One night they asked me why mom didn't live with us, if she was ever going to move back in, etc. I didn't know what to say so I just told them I didn't know. I know this is really hard on them and it certainly shows at times.
off to holidays in a few minutes but I just wanted to wish you good luck for the 4th. If it happens. If not, that already could be considered as luck, no?
Yes, patience! But you're doing great. You did well to tell the kids the truth. You don't know... What else to tell them? And one day they will appreciate that you were not trying to make up stories.
Kyh, you are doing very well. You've got a lot on your plate and need to rest when you can. I think you did extremely well when you were telling the kids the truth. You honestly don't know and why make up stories that would build up their hopes.
MLC is not a sprint, but a marathon and there are many times that we question what we are doing, i.e., is it right or should I do something different? The only person that can answer that is you. If you want to try something different, start out small and if she reacts in a negative way, don't try it again.
Dig deeper for patience. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Bee and Job. It's been a hard and testing week. Patience, patience, patience.... Some of you here are truly an inspiration for me! I'm trying to stay strong and consistent. I think I am being tested as I think she is trying (possibly unconsciously)to get a reaction from me to keep justifying herself. I will get short texts (I know this is a problem, reading into this form of communication, but I know she talk texts so she has to be short and then say period, etc. lol), etc. and then she will act like it is me if I react to them.
This week was a little weird. She seemed to distance after last Sunday night which was nice. She hasn't been staying long, only sometimes eating, etc. Tuesday night I was beat and didn't want to cook. Since she's been eating with us I waited for her to come over after work (she was later than normal) and asked if she would like to go have pizza with us. We went to a pizzeria and after we ordered and I paid she sat at a table with three chairs, well there are four of us. S and I ended up sitting at one table and W and D at another. She was acting off all night and kept trying to give me money for her food.
A couple days later was parent teacher conferences. We both spoke with D's teacher last year because she was S's teacher the year before so she knows a little about what is going on and also thought the kids might be moving. At the end of the conference W basically told her she got a better job and that's why they were still here. Then told her that her friend's basement got flooded and so the kids couldn't stay there with her but she was moving out soon and the kids would be with her part time after, etc.
Her basement did get flooded but it is unfinished and the kids and her were sharing a room when they were there last spring. I think she was embarrassed since she was telling people she was moving. D also had a lot of writings and drawings about home without W in them. I was thinking how sad it was so it probably really hurt W.
I've been trying to keep things normal this week but as I mentioned above, I think she is trying to get a reaction out of me. No friendly texts or nights this week.
Today was her day off. She said she was coming over in the morning but didn't get here until almost noon. She said she couldn't sleep last night. She took the kids out and came back 3-4 hours later and left. She said she had to do laundry. So strange...
Yesterday I took the kids to Dinosaur Zoo Live. They absolutely loved it! I bought W a ticket too (after asking her after I bought ours) but she couldn't make it. Some of those costumes were amazing.
My court date got put off so my status hearing is now in January. Not getting any hopes up but maybe just a little fog might clear with some time. I think sometimes it might just a little, IDK though. I can see she is still grasping at external solutions through it.
I forgot about Halloween. We are supposed to take the kids out with some of their friends. W talked to a bunch of them and there are 5-6 families meeting. W arranged it and they are all meeting at my house. I thought this was a little strange considering everything but whatever lol. We were also invited to a Halloween party. We are supposed to go for an hour or so before coming back to my house to meet up. I'm really surprised W brought it up and didn't just go alone.
Go w/the flow and don't question the motives of your wife. If you begin to question everything she says and/or does, it will drive you nuts.
Enjoy the Halloween festivities!
Happy Halloween!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kyh, thanks for stopping by my thread. I agree with Job ... it's hard to turn of that questioning part of your brain, but whenever I do, man I feel so much better! Happy Hallowe'en. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
