Thank you Sotto, Job and NYGal, you all rock as always.
So ladies, I kind of get the whole thing about deciding what is better for me. At this point in time, I know what would be better, my brain tells me what logic would benefit me the most and how easy it would be if... if.. if..
But my heart is something all different, it is stubborn, it does not understand logic, it does not fails to remind me every day that XH exists.
From the outside you can see a person that is living her life, doing her stuff. I don't look so bad and people say that I look better and younger everyday. I didn't stop working and got a nice performance review as you all know. I am refinancing my house for a much smaller interest rate e will finally put it in my name.
So you see, I am really managing my life well, with ups and downs in the kitchen since I hate cooking, but if you see me, you will say: "She got over it".
It is inside of me that is the turmoil. I am having a very, very, very hard time with the detachment part of this process. I don't let go. I feel I should, but the real me says there is still hope. Why am I so stubborn? Really don't know, never been so stuck in my life.
So I think to myself, what is the things that I can do that will put me closer to my goal, and yes, my goal is that XH and I could give just a chance to taste life together with our new view on things, with our kids older and doing better, without so much stress as it was before, with more faith.
All the time that I get closer to him things go really well, we get along well. But then I have these demons in my mind saying that he does not care about me, don't think about me, do not want me anymore in his life. That he loves someone else and won't be attracted to me ever again. Then I put distance.
I was thinking about what NYGal said and it really makes sense. I know it is hard, but having compassion, patience and loving him for what he is and what he has to offer seems like my best shot right now.
I have no problems with boundaries as XH has been very polite and respectful with me and boys. I can see the difference of respecting my boundaries and feeling comfortable around the house, around me.
I see that every time we talk he takes the time to listen and to tell things about himself. He always wants me to know that he is alone, has no one in his life. The very last time we talked, his car was on and he told me he was going to work and then would come back to pick up the boys for dinner. At some point, he went to his car to turn it off. I mention that I didn't want to bother him and he said that I never bother him.
Later I mention again and said that I was sorry that he was talking and didn't do the things he was suppose to and he said that there will always be work tomorrow and talking to me was more important.
Sometimes I even feel like he wants me to fight for him. By my side I always feel I need to keep my distance and let him step up and say he wants to come back. But, I also read here that sometimes things just develop onto something else and the MLCer won't ever do it properly, with all the words.
Now, XH keeps telling me that he has friends that have some marital problems and he tells me the advices that he gives them. Tells me that he always mention what he did to his family and that not trying to make a marriage work before taking any decision or stepping into something even worse, is the biggest mistake a person can make.
He always makes a point in saying that he mean every word he said. Like when he is leaving, he look at me and says: Pink, I meant every single word I told you.
So, maybe I should stop thinking that I need to keep my distance and make him believe I am moved on. He knows me so much better then anyone else in this earth and he knows I still love him. So why to lie? I do not need to run after him, never really did during this process and I am not planning to start now. But I think it is time to give him my shoulder, my understanding, my compassion and my unconditional love in any decision is there.
I know it will put me at the edge again. That it is more painful to stay then run away. But I got here thinking that there is no other way around anymore.
Like for example, when he says something nice to me, that I don't dismiss and look to the other side, but thank him and look him in the eye. Like when he says I look beautiful, that I accept he likes what he sees and feel proud that he said that to me, and smile and thank him with my heart and not just with my indifference.
Maybe it is time to be his friend, but for real. Last time we talked, he said again that he wish we could be friends, then I said that we are. He then said that I am cordial, friendly, and that there is a big difference of being his friend.
He is right, I am always so afraid to jump on his arms, that I keep the friendly attitude and I am not his friend.
So, what you guys think about it? I tried the NC stuff and it does not work with XH. He comes around, he is always around one way or the other. Then I tried the "as if" like trying to be strong, or that someone else is in my life... then XH comes around with more intensity and I kind lost myself then, because he is all forward, and when he sees I backpedal, then he back up too.
I guess from all the techniques, I need to go on the friendship way. As Job says, there is still a long way for XH since he is still in the oven. The pastor from my church knows both of us and says that we need to be patience, that God is working in both of us. But that he thinks that God has a reason for getting both of us always in each others path.
I forgot to tell but a lady from church that is an very big sweetheart said that she asked XH other day, if he had any plans for his life. She told me she said to him that he doesn't have all his life ahead and that he wasn't getting younger. XH said that he does not know yet, that he is working on his issues first. He said that he still love his family, his sons, love Pink and that right now he does not know how to go back home.
I hope that all what I am going through inside myself and the ordeal of this MLC effect will help someone one day. It is a really hard situation and it is very difficult to hang in there, even worse if you think that you may do all this and at the end it does not go the way you want to.
I guess if someone else show up in my life, then I will just move on.
Again, thanks ladies for all the advices and for making me think a little more. It is hard to see things well when you are so involved. But I am blessed to have such nice ladies and sometimes Jack here.
Please, don't hesitate to give me your opinion about all this, I really need some hints of what to do, what can I try, what words to say, what kind of subject would be nice to talk as friends. I feel silly but I also know that I am learning this stuff again and it is not the same and is very hard.
