Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

So we went to marriage counseling today for the first time. Wow. It was very intense. The MC seems great (she only works with couples and is "pro relationship", which she told us at the outset), and my W was engaged -- albeit not always saying what a LBS wants to hear (i.e., affirming just how far out the door she is) -- so it felt somewhat successful, and I think she'll be willing to go back.

I honestly had no expectations going in and, in fact, felt like I was going to leave knowing our marriage was over because W just wouldn't care, and that would be the final bit of proof I needed to give up. But that's not how I feel right now. It is a complicated set of emotions, and I don't think "hope" is one of them that I'm feeling, but I feel better in some weird way that I haven't really thought out but intend to.

I've seen several LBSs say they've felt ganged up on in MC. I get it now. I did feel ganged up on at times, as the MC let my wife really go on, and she unloaded. It was hard to hear, but, honestly, my W plays things so closely to the vest when it comes to this stuff, that it was literally the first time I've ever heard her entire perspective, laid out in a linear fashion, as to how she started to struggle with the R, what she did to try to cope, how she eventually gave up, etc. In her communications with me, it's always been bits and pieces and shards, which has been frustrating. I realized that the MC correctly deduced it's my W that is thinking she wants out, so I think there was a method to the ganged up dynamic -- get W talking freely, get her to feel like she can talk, be heard, be safe, etc., because she knows I'm there wanting it to succeed and am already bought in, and W is the one on the fence. In other words, the LBS can "take" the airing of grievances better than the WAS, because of our respective dynamics.

The session was supposed to go 1.5 hours but ended up going over 2, so that's bullish, I guess. I'm mind reading, but the MC seemed pretty jazzed to have the opportunity to work with us. I think we flip her usual script in a lot of ways (W is more like the traditional man in the stereotypical R (closed off emotionally, not sure they want to be in MC, etc., and I'm more like the traditional female, maybe?).

Anyway, I'm really exhausted. I feel like I've been in an emotional boxing ring.