Oh, and DB and DR should be arriving today, and I'll start reading them immediately.
Good. When you read them I want you to take note of the nuances surrounding the 180 plan as presented in the book. It's not so cut and dry.
You are to do the opposite of what you normally do.
For most betrayed wives that means pulling back emotionally and doing Sandi's 37 rule thingy. Most wayward men generally love (or more accurately, probably, --- "want") their wives and family AND they love their affair partner. They compartmentalize and when their betrayed wife stops begging them to come back to the marriage, acts like she doesn't care all that much and starts taking care of herself and engaging in what are mostly independent behaviors but the wayward husband starts seeing as curious suspicious behavior (and wonders if maybe his wife is now cheating on him) can cause a wayward husband to panic and get concerned he's about to lose his wife and family. He just wanted both the wife AND the other woman but now, her behavior makes him notice he might be losing his wife (and, consequentially, his family AND his money). So, in he takes notice AND ends his affair - choosing the love and security of his wife and family over the fantasy of the affair. Besides, juggling two women is driving him nuts and it's not as much fun now that everyone knows. Dumping the OW becomes easy.
Whereas, wayward wives justify their affair on their husband's supposed (and often real, to some extent) neglect. Women tend to (not always) love one man at a time. They are evolutionarily conditioned to love just one man at a time. Your wife loves OM right now and has, over time, used every single thing you have ever done or said to justify and rationalize why it's ok for her to love OM and not love you and continue her affair (as long as OM will have her). The underlying theory of Sandi's 37 rules is that the wayward will, in time, turn to notice they are losing their spouse and now that their spouse isn't begging, seems happier and more active and helpful, perhaps the spouse seems more confident and attractive too. There are elements of attraction in the plan that do work for betrayed husbands, BUT, for the most part, in situations like yours (which are the most common - where the wayward justifies on neglect) if you implement Sandi's rules to the letter, you'll simply be confirming everything that your wife now thinks about you and uses to justify continuing down the path of separation and divorce. If the affair is still on - Sandi's 180 list is just super convenient for the wayward wife. She wants OM exclusively - not both of you so you leaving her alone, being fine with the affair, acting generally happy for her and enabling the separation and divorce is just throwing her in the briar patch, so to speak. You are 100% confirming you don't care and never really did and communicating you are fine with the divorce and will even remain on friendly terms with her. You'll simply end up single, divorced, with OM moving into your house and/or raising your children seemingly with your consent and acknowledgment that it's really all your fault.
I know my posts are different than the others but it is consistent with what you'll read in the Michele's books, her blogs and this website.
I'm going to follow this up with my own draft version of Bulldog's 37 Rules nuanced for formerly (or supposedly) neglectful betrayed husband's.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
