New LBH with WAW/possibly WW, need help.

[nutts]

Oh, and DB and DR should be arriving today, and I'll start reading them immediately.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Oh, and DB and DR should be arriving today, and I'll start reading them immediately.

Good. When you read them I want you to take note of the nuances surrounding the 180 plan as presented in the book. It's not so cut and dry.

You are to do the opposite of what you normally do.

For most betrayed wives that means pulling back emotionally and doing Sandi's 37 rule thingy. Most wayward men generally love (or more accurately, probably, --- "want") their wives and family AND they love their affair partner. They compartmentalize and when their betrayed wife stops begging them to come back to the marriage, acts like she doesn't care all that much and starts taking care of herself and engaging in what are mostly independent behaviors but the wayward husband starts seeing as curious suspicious behavior (and wonders if maybe his wife is now cheating on him) can cause a wayward husband to panic and get concerned he's about to lose his wife and family. He just wanted both the wife AND the other woman but now, her behavior makes him notice he might be losing his wife (and, consequentially, his family AND his money). So, in he takes notice AND ends his affair - choosing the love and security of his wife and family over the fantasy of the affair. Besides, juggling two women is driving him nuts and it's not as much fun now that everyone knows. Dumping the OW becomes easy.

Whereas, wayward wives justify their affair on their husband's supposed (and often real, to some extent) neglect. Women tend to (not always) love one man at a time. They are evolutionarily conditioned to love just one man at a time. Your wife loves OM right now and has, over time, used every single thing you have ever done or said to justify and rationalize why it's ok for her to love OM and not love you and continue her affair (as long as OM will have her). The underlying theory of Sandi's 37 rules is that the wayward will, in time, turn to notice they are losing their spouse and now that their spouse isn't begging, seems happier and more active and helpful, perhaps the spouse seems more confident and attractive too. There are elements of attraction in the plan that do work for betrayed husbands, BUT, for the most part, in situations like yours (which are the most common - where the wayward justifies on neglect) if you implement Sandi's rules to the letter, you'll simply be confirming everything that your wife now thinks about you and uses to justify continuing down the path of separation and divorce. If the affair is still on - Sandi's 180 list is just super convenient for the wayward wife. She wants OM exclusively - not both of you so you leaving her alone, being fine with the affair, acting generally happy for her and enabling the separation and divorce is just throwing her in the briar patch, so to speak. You are 100% confirming you don't care and never really did and communicating you are fine with the divorce and will even remain on friendly terms with her. You'll simply end up single, divorced, with OM moving into your house and/or raising your children seemingly with your consent and acknowledgment that it's really all your fault.

I know my posts are different than the others but it is consistent with what you'll read in the Michele's books, her blogs and this website.

I'm going to follow this up with my own draft version of Bulldog's 37 Rules nuanced for formerly (or supposedly) neglectful betrayed husband's.

[j20a00g]

journal:

tl;dr nothing much, but no movement towards D either.

nothing big happened today, started the day with W and S at MIL, and I went to work. W texts me later I the day we can eat at her mom's or she can grab some dinner and we eat at home. I said it's a little awkward still with ur family, she said that's fine.

I come home, dinner is ready, we eat, as a family, but before S is done, W goes upstairs to do laundry. she seemed tired or bad mood, or both really.

I had a great time playing with S after dinner, watching peppa pig, then bath and bed. I love that boy.

I then asked W if she wanted to go over finances (we agreed to do that today) but she was too tired. so, I left her in the guest bedroom and went down to watch some shows. she'll probably be asleep soon, and I'll go soon too.

basically, nothing major happened, I just wanted to writs it out. thanks.

I'm really kind of confused. YOU asked HER to go over finances? So pry of the process is detachment. Another part is no relationship talks. But you sought her out to have a relationship talk? Dude. Cmon. In complete honesty, what were you hoping to accomplish? I get that you enjoy contact with her. I'm there too. But let's say she was alert and ready to go and still on edge....she decides to talk to you about finances and decides tomorrow she's pulling $500 to go see a lawyer (since you brought it up and all)....how would yoube feeling? After all, you started the convo!

There is soooo much good info on here. I'm late to it also and have no idea what my chances are. But I do know if I continued down the way I was (which is comparable to how you are acting), my chances were 0. Quit throwing spaghetti at the wall. Either use the process or don't but, it's confusing as hell to you and to her when you go back and forth.

I'm pulling for you bro!

[nutts]

Possible backslide, but hopefully it's not too big.

Today, at lunch, I picked up S and we went to the local park, played, and ate lunch. On the way back, W calls and asks me to pick up her prescription, which is on the way back, I agree.

The prescription is for Birth Control. My 1st thought is, WTH, why is she having me pick up Birth Control? She isn't having sex with me right now, and she hasn't been on it in a while.

I got home, asked her why is she going back on it now, she says, because my periods are so heavy. I say, Haven't they been heavy for the last many months? Why wait until you announce you want to be separated to get back on the pill? It feels like a slap in the face.

She give me a big sigh says, you're reading too much into this. I didn't do it before because we were still talking about having another child, but that possibility is gone, so I'm getting back on the pill.

Then she tells me I need to stop trying to look into thing so deep, and for me to deal with my issues, and she'll deal with hers, and she included a few cuss words.

Thinking about it, it does make sense she'd get back on the pill if she doesn't believe she'll have any more kids, and we had been talking about it up to a month or so ago. And, I'm not sure she'd have me pick it up if she was trying to hide something.

I feel I may have made a mistake, but I couldn't help but say something. Might this be a backslide, or just a minor blip? Honestly, I'm not sure anything will really help me right now, but I want the best possible shot. I'm actually wondering if I should apologize for making a big deal out of this.

Thanks.

[MoveFrwd]

but I couldn't help but say something.

This is kind of strange to say. Are you not in control of your words? Why did you HAVE to say something?

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart

I am short in the advice offering, I merely give my vieW.

You are free to use this any way you choose to.

Your higher power will tap in to that which it needs.

Once you know, you will never unknow.

V

[nutts]

I'm really kind of confused. YOU asked HER to go over finances?

No, we had discussed the day before we'd go over finances the next night. So, being a man of my word, after putting S to bed, I asked if she wanted to go over finances. Maybe I shouldn't have, but it was what we had agreed upon. I am happy we didn't, of course.

But, do you think, even though we discussed it, I shouldn't have brought it up? I guess I probably shouldn't have, I could've let her do it, but I assumed it was on her mind all day, it was on mine all day.

Next time, I'll let her do the bringing up. Jesus, sometimes I'm stupid.

I'm pulling for you bro!

Thanks, I appreciate it.

[nutts]

Quit throwing spaghetti at the wall. Either use the process or don't but, it's confusing as hell to you and to her when you go back and forth.

I guess I'm trying to do too much too soon. I haven't read DB/DR yet, and I'm trying to go off what I find on this forum, but part of me is acting like my wife is wayward, which means following sandi's rules; however the Affair is over, and my W never really acted like a WW how Sandi described her.

Bulldog gives some slightly different advice, and it makes sense too.

Honestly, I admit, I'm confused. What I want is the right plan to get my W back at least working on our M, but my W may not fit the WAW mold, nor the WW mold exactly, and I don't want to screw it up.

I'm going to spend as much time as possible going over DB/DR when I get it, and see if I can find something that matches my sitch exactly.

I know Vanilla believes my W will have more A's, and that might be true, but I won't plan for it, and I can't exactly plan for it not happening either, somehow I need to plan for both possibilities, and find the right way to approach the sitch.

I'm sorry I sound so damn wishy-washy. I'll study DB/DR, and maybe have a better perspectice.

Thanks all, I always appreciate support, especially non-sugar-coated truth; we all need those.

[nutts]

but I couldn't help but say something.

This is kind of strange to say. Are you not in control of your words? Why did you HAVE to say something?

It just ate at me while I was driving. You're right of course, I didn't have to say anything, and I wish I hadn't. She got the pills, and that's all. Anything else is mind-reading I guess.

[MrBond]

Bulldog is wrong. First of all "Sandi's Rules" are not literally Sandi's rules. Someone had posted this information out from DB and she just reposted. GB often just centers around the A and is not inline with MWD.

All of the drama between your W and the OM was honestly caused by you. Your initial reason was to have the A stopped. Well now it has a number of strangers attacking your W. The A isn't your fault, but the unwanted consequences of your actions are. Right now in all of your actions, I've just read about you attacking the A but not dealing what caused the root problems of it.

You said early on that your W's reasons for being unhappy was the lack of sex and your inattentiveness. You said that you had "dealt" with it before. How?

Eventually you're going to have to establish a friendship with your W if you want to get back together. If you were in her shoes, why would she want to do that?