New LBH with WAW/possibly WW, need help.

[Vanilla]

I haven't posted to you before and your sitch is now complex.

I won't weigh in on the disclose or not disclose, my position is (for the record) in most sitches disclosure makes things worse. OP1 can be transitional and past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour. Things can get very sneaky too.

Some W see porn as emotional infidelity and having thought about this deeply, addiction to porn is emotional infidelity. So your W may see you as the cheater. You have wayward behaviour in your sitch, you are looking for release outside of your M.

She has called time on you. She walked. Consider if she addressed heavy porn use with you. So far so reasonable I think.

So considers your M over and wants out. I get it, heavy compulsions are a drain on an R, what have you done to address that?

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This is where things go awry, she chose a boyfriend who was M. In her eyes her M is done, she wants out so she may be adulterous but it's not infidelity for her. I chose not to have a bf when I walked but The Giggalo had 9 OW although he considers any after filing ofor D to be a gf. My view is very different, it's adultery.

So I like the view you have dragged OM1 into your R and his W. Considering where you are OM1 I think is transitional any way.

I have no doubt there will be OM2, either there already or in the wings. That is what waywards do.

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By concentrating on your WW and evaluatiing her (and whilst I can see some walking from your M could be appropriate) then the obvious is being missed.

What are you doing to clean up your side of the street?

Are you in IC, twelve steps and reading DB?

Applying the rules?

Reading Sandi info on WW, (fabulous material by the way).


This is in my thinking about you becoming the best you can be and there are many who have done so ahead of you, some addicted to porn or over users of it to the detriment of their M. Porn use by any partner in an M can be destructive to their life partner.

You are in the right place to get yourself together and resolved. By behaving in a wayward way your WW has chosen a destructive path. She may be out to prove to herself she is desirable and to be petulant to raise her self esteem. Her circus, her monkeys. And for the record this isn't the way to do it. Clearly your WW wants out of the M.

I like Coconuts view that this should be about you, Sandi and Cadet are saying have you done the Work? I would add to Cadets thoughts in that it isn't if the A is over, although if it's a specific embedded A it might be, more if the need for waywardness is over. I can't see that. Using Sandi rules is great guideline, I had them laminated. My wayward wasn't done with waywardness. In the end I knew I can't out every A or EA, warn singletons he was M. He just sought another one, and most of them were transients anyway. OW1 H already knew and wanted to walk, OW2 H wanted shot of her, etc. Much less frazzled V to let it pass me by, set my boundaries.

From where I am, I can't see you have. I don't believe outing OM to his W has really done much more damage to your M. Clearly it has undermined your WW self esteem even further though and more likely to confirm her views on D. Pot, kettle and black.

This is quite a tough post to write and in my opinion outing the A really didn't cause much further damage. You have time, let things cool, read learn, grow, get IC. Concentrate on you.

You are just beginning the long road to you.

V