Hi Sad_Dad, These truly are hard times. Take solace in your children. One day (probably not too far away) they will realize the type of women their Mother is.....
They'll also see how lucky they are to have such a great Father.
Stay strong and get positive re-enforcement where ever you can. I'm not a religious man myself, but you're lucky that you have your faith - hold on to that.
Everyone keeps telling me to take one day at a time and whilst it feels as though I'm dragging myself through each day, its the only thing that we can do.
Keep on keeping on.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Don't lift a finger toward D from your end. If she wants it she can do the heavy lifting. 180. Get busy living. Do stuff. Be unavailable for every little thing she's bugging you about.
Can I ask what is the reason to be unavailable for every little thing she is bugging you about ? I am the worst at DB it is tie I found and followed the advice
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Don't lift a finger toward D from your end. If she wants it she can do the heavy lifting. 180. Get busy living. Do stuff. Be unavailable for every little thing she's bugging you about.
Can I ask what is the reason to be unavailable for every little thing she is bugging you about ? I am the worst at DB it is tie I found and followed the advice
Part of the 180 is to stop doing things for them. Start doing things for yourself. If they say "I need you to fill out these papers and get them back to me by tomorrow," you say I'm busy. I'll get to it when I have time. If they say we need to go over finances for the D this weekend. You say I have plans this weekend. The kicker is to really have plans. Don't allow yourself to sit around lamenting your situation. Do things. Take up hobbies you quit doing when you got married. Make plans with friends. If you have no friends then search for meetup groups in your area for things you like to do. Biking, hiking, running, dancing, books clubs, whatever.
Create your own schedule without consulting WAS/WS. You only plan your comings and goings with your team. They want off your team so they get zero say regarding your schedule. That's what I mean. Walkaway's and wayward's fantasize about moving on. If they see the left behind spouse moving on even quicker it has an effect on them.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ok, so here's a question about doing the 180. Am I supposed to still act loving, be rude, or seem uncaring? Should I appear concerned about her situation at all?
Don't be rude. There's a word that is used for how you should be. "Meh". Some use "as if". It means you're not hanging on their every word nor care what they have going on. You're not angry, you're not rude, you're just meh. If you've been a safety net or a shoulder to cry on you have to stop that. They want out so they can feel what that might feel like. Sometimes a WAS/WS will convince themselves in their fantasy that you were never supportive of them. When you show them what that really looks like to not be supportive of them it can help them see how wrong they were.
There is no magic cure for this nor is this a guarantee. What doing the 180 will do is give you your best chance at saving the marriage. Some do it and it fails (even though admittedly a lot of them don't follow it strictly). Some do it and it succeeds. It worked for me. My own WW played me and strung me along for two years. Back and forth. Finally it was ME that said I've had enough of this. I filed for D and I was ready to move on. I was the king of meh. She lost her job because of her A. Oh really? I said. Huh. That was it. Meh.
It flipped the script. She realized fantasy land wasn't real and she had some hard times ahead of her. I went from pursuer to pursued. The 180 and my "meh" attitude gave me strength. She couldn't get anymore emotional rises out of me because I was like Rhett Butler: "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
When you think about that movie, it worked for Rhett too. Scarlett treated him like crap until the day he walked out. Then she was begging him to stay but he had already 180'd her and moved on.
Life is too short to be someone else's doormat. Everyone who posts here are good people. They don't have to hang around and be emotionally abused by a fence-sitting WAS/WS.
Ok, so here's a question about doing the 180. Am I supposed to still act loving, be rude, or seem uncaring? Should I appear concerned about her situation at all?
You can be concerned...but it isnt your problem.
I would advise to act "friendly". Not friends. Not loving. Not rude. Like you would to a nosy neighbor or a cashier.
I'm definatrly trying NOT to make the divorce easy.
I dont see the benefit in this. You dont need to stand in her way...if shes running for it as fast as she can, I wouldnt worry about putting in speed bumps. Dont offer to drive her to make it FASTER, but theres no need to make it more difficult.
Originally Posted By: Sad_Dad
I have my own and have instructed him to wait as long as he can to reply to the divorce action.
I guess I still have hope that she'll come around and change her mind. Also, she was originally going to try to hit me up for maintenance. I wanted my own lawyer to make sure I didn't get railroaded. I still have my kids to care for.
