Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter! I hear exactly what you are saying, and I have the exact same fear.

I talked to l-friend about this, and, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to rush things along, even though I would very much like to do so. Apparently raising the issue of contempt is a big bad deal, and has to be approached in a specific order: contact WH's L,who then contacts WH, then they respond to my L. If they don't respond, THEN it's time for the big guns. Ugh.

L-friend just keeps telling me that it is out of my hands right now and I need to just stay the course, and trust the system. (Ha!) Meanwhile, back in WH's fantasy land, who knows what's going on to destabilize things even more.

I am having to exercise my patience very hard right now. I get these waves of blah feelings, then I feel anxious, then angry, then nothing, then I'm hurt, then there's sadness, then I'm happy, then I'm meh... I'm all over the place. I'm going to need a cervical collar soon from the emotional whiplash!

SH, thank you very much for the hug. I really need every one I can get, and appreciate every one of them. And no one can ever accuse you of being anything less than a fully formed adult.

There is nothing childish in struggling to sort things out when our lives have gone completely upside down. Childish would be hiding our heads in the sand and pretending that everything is fine, when it just... isn't. We have been very badly hurt, our trust had been betrayed on so many levels, and we need time and patience with ourselves, as much as with everything that is going on. I fully expect that I will still be struggling with some of these issues at this time next year, but I also expect that the trend will be generally toward a brighter future.

I read somewhere that one should expect at least a month of recovery time for every year of the relationship, maybe more, depending on the circumstances. With that math, I'm looking at 26 months, minimum, so 16 to go. I'm OK with that, as long as I continue to feel like I'm making progress. In fact, I'm kind of glad that I have at least some benchmark of what I might expect.

You can't set a time limit on grief, and there is just so much of it. I'm now at the point that I can go days without thinking much about WH at all, but then something will wallop me out of nowhere, like this whole financial betrayal. Shrug. It's just like we're navigating a mine field, and we never quite know where or when we might step on the next trigger. In my case, the simple act of trying to pay my power bill led to a huge explosion, both emotionally and legally. Who knew?

So, in happier news, here's a bit of a farm life update to get us out of this thought rut:

My beautiful little Silver-Laced Wyandotte pullet is laying the cutest half-sized egg. They are absolutely perfect and make the best little tiny fried eggs. In fact, she lay a double-yolked egg a couple days ago. It was the cutest thing I've seen in some time.

My silly young birds are just beginning to come to me when I call them outside. The older hens come running like they might miss their last meals, but the little ones have been a bit reticent. I suspect that is because they are lower not he pecking order, and so they have hung back when the big girls come a running! Lately, though, they're getting braver.

My kitties are wonderful, too. I still miss my little man, but I'm feeling better on that front. Now that he's not here, being cute and demanding all of my attention, I'm spending more time with the others, and they are also lovely.

Tomorrow I have my second class/discussion session with my native gardening group. I have a bunch of reading to do. Before this next session we are all going to tour the hosts' native gardens at their home. They've been working on for 15-20 years, and I'm excited to get a better look at it. From what I saw last time, it is pretty amazing.

Good night to all of my fellow DBers.

Hugs to all!