Just skimmed through the thread and I really want to commend you for doing the right thing.
Whether you recover your marriage or not, OM's wife had a right to know that her husband was having an affair with your wife. It wasn't easy to do that. Contacting her took courage and instincts but it was absolutely the right thing to do even if it has consequences you don't like or enjoy. The fact that you told her and it resulted in the affair ending (hopefully - you've got to keep watching for contact despite what they say), is just a bonus.
If the affair really is over your wife will be in withdrawal for a few weeks so my advice to you is DELAY. Wayward wives in withdrawal are depressed and often lack the will power to follow through on anything. Sure she said it was over a couple of days ago but that was just her anger. She'll get over her anger and as long as she remains in "no contact" with OM, she'll slowly start talking to you more and more and talking about separation/divorce less and less. Her pride may be pushing her to follow through but her depression and hopelessness (over losing OM, the affair and being "stuck" with you) typically overrides her fading pride's motivations. In furtherance of such, don't enable her separation/divorce. Make her undertake to do it all. You just don't feel comfortable negotiating the demise of your family and marriage. She can leave whenever she wants but she needs to leave everything behind and let a court divide it up because you aren't taking part anymore.
I also don't think following Sandi's 37 rules or whatever it's called is effective for you. Those rules work better for betrayed wives trying to manipulate home a wayward husband by 180'ing their husband and acting like they don't care. Your situation differs. Your wife felt neglected and uncherished by you so your 180 plan would actually include being more caring, empathetic and pursuing (in moderation - not desperately). It's just illogical to me to think you can manipulate a wayward wife that doesn't feel you cared about them by ACTING like you don't care about them and are happy for them. Again, I'm not suggesting begging her while pledging your undying love for her in a room full of flowers and gifts. But it's OK to express your devastation and communicate your feelings to give full indication that you give a crap, want to stay married, understand she's not in love with you but you remain willing to try to fix things and if you both try for 6 months, 8 months or 1 year (because, in the end happy loving married parents are what's best for son) and conclude you can't stay married, then you'll be willing to give her an amicable divorce.
Your wife is not going to want to recover. You seem to have passed the first hurdle (no contact - but keep a watch out for the very typical "closure contact" where the affair partners feel REQUIRED to check in with each other to make sure the other is OK or, in your situation, OM may feel he has to secretly tell your wife he doesn't really mean what he's saying and he's sorry he hurt her and/or your wife may feel she HAS TO contact him to chew him out for saying those mean things. Closure contact happens. Do not consent to it. Ask her to write her feelings down but not to send it. Remind her to check her pride. If it happens anyway, there is a risk the affair will resume but either way, withdrawal begins again and you'll have a few more weeks of irate depressed irrational wayward wife to deal with again.
Keep eating with her and spending time with her and your son as much as possible. Just be around but TRY to keep things light. Don't force conversation. Listen to her and listen some more but say little. There's just not much "recovering" you can do while she's in withdrawal but being around talking to her helps distract her from making closure contact or otherwise reaching out to her OM. The worst times are when she's alone. Idle time leads to idle thoughts so just being around helps. You can be "around" and still do some GAL stuff.
oh ---->>> your MIL is wrong and taking her daughter in is actually interfering in your marriage. On your wedding day, I presume your MIL/FIL "gave" their daughter to you. They entrusted you with her best interests and they should honor that. She's not in danger or being physically abused so your wife doesn't need their protection. She should be home with you where the two of you can work on your marriage. MIL is just enabling her daughters selfish entitled wayward attitude. It's a common mistake but it demonstrates your MIL is not a friend of your marriage.
Also, exposing to OM's wife didn't hurt OM's marriage or yours ~~> the affair did that all by itself. It appears this exposure is actually giving your marriage a chance (because without "no contact" there is no chance at all).
How does OM know your wife? If it's over how can you (and your wife, eventually) insure "no contact for the rest of her life"?
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
