The tapes aren't about forgiveness per se. They are about transcending anger. And I did say that I didn't mean forgiving your XH or anyone. Much of what I discovered to be the root of my own anger was stuff that was unresolved from my past and got in the way of my present. It was liberating to understand.
And for the record, I don't offer forgiveness as a blank check. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It's merely an effort to not let it get in the way.
I interpreted this because MB said she was sick of feeling the heaviness in her heart. What does she have to lose? Even if she only gets one thing out of 4 CDs, it's more than worth the $35 to get stuff to chew on.
There are certain events in my past where there will never be absolution - 1) maybe because the offender doesn't ask for forgiveness or 2) the events were too painful and deep to get to that point or 3) at this point in my life, absolution falls in God's hands. But by "forgiving" the event, I give myself permission to absolve myself for any part I played in the process and give myself permission to heal the wound and move forward. I hope that makes sense.
I think the word I'd much rather use is to accept. Accept people for who they are, but that might have to be with distance and detachment (in the case of MB's parents). They aren't going to change, so the only thing she can do is create and enforce boundaries and learn not to take *their* issues personally. I truly think their issues are about their unhealed wounds from the past and not about MB at all... though how they go about dealing with their foibles and fears undoubtedly hurts her a great deal. It's a tight rope.
For the record, when I listened to the discussions, I had a few "aha" moments. It forced me to see some people as they really are instead of how I wanted them to be. It actually helped me catapult to a higher place. I realized that much of their motivations were coping mechanisms from childhood wounds that were almost animalistic protections: the kinds where wounded animals lash out at others as a smoke screen to prevent them from getting hurt (or killed) further. Without skills to choose differently, it's difficult to heal those wounds and accept our humanity.
MB, my XH and I are both people whose periodic significant others have problems with how we conduct ourselves. It's still an issue from time to time. I can only tell you what we tell them: we're not getting back together and just because we are civil to each other and friendly most of the time doesn't mean we were destined to be married to each other. I think you don't have any or many role models here, which might be why you are having difficulty getting your heart wrapped around it. I will reiterate what others tell you: this man knows how to treat someone who has hurt him; the same is true for his XW. It just shows their evolution as parents. That's not to say you are not as evolved as he is! It's just that their R isn't about the tension. They focus on the kids and issues that surround them.
Let's steer clear of your insecurities for now. Go get the CDs and process some of that crap that's not sitting well with you. I'm not saying this is the be all to end all. But it's a start. And the presenters are human and not at all speaking down to the audience. I appreciated the humility more than I can put into words. I have periodic issues with my mom as well... you are not alone. Being hurt is okay. You just need to process the hurt appropriately.
Hugs, sister!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
