Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #5]

[PsySara]

Being more of yourself sounds like the perfect DBing. It sounds like you were trying to detach in a way that wasn't working for you. You can still be warm, kind and receptive without pursuing. IT's ok to feel pain over her actions and words, it's not okay to let those emotions rule your behavior and reactions.

I ran away from my WH plenty. I kicked him out about three time and saw a lawyer twice. I called him the most vile names in the book, once I sat in the car screaming in his face at the top of my lungs for at least 5 minutes straight. The picture of DBing I was not. (This was before reading DR) At times I fantasized about committing violence on him and OW. I would play out fantasies where I came to their job and put posters on the wall of what they did. I wanted to cause them pain that they caused me, I hungered for revenge.

I partially got my revenge by sending OW parents a letter exposing her affair, mentioned I was pregnant and had permanent heart damage from the stress. I thought I had succeeded, especially when OW texted me (what I thought) was a deep, heart felt apology. In the end it just pushed them back together and they resumed the affair. My actions resulted in more pain for me and a deeper injury to our M. After reading DR I realized my biggest mistake was trying to stop the affair and make ultimatums. I could not accept that I could not control my WH and this created more hurt to myself. The tighter I held him, the harder my demands the more he despised me.

So I read DR, got a coach and started my journey of recovering myself. I started to seriously question some basic things about myself. I began to see how I was coming across to my WH in our marriage, specifically the years before the A. I realized I had become very hard and unforgiving. I was so busy waiting for WH to "pull his load" to "step up to the plate" that I never asked myself what I could do to help our marriage. Sure, I suggested MC but that was because I wanted someone to point out to my WH his shortcomings, I felt I was the mature one and needed very little change. I was so wrong.

This is a process that never truly ends. I find I like myself better when I am kind and quick to say I am sorry. Strangely enough this resulted in my WH becoming soft towards me and for him to start doing the real work of reconciliation. Before when I was making my demands and ultimatums he would only half @ss participate, and grudgingly at that. Now he actively asks what he can do to make me feel safe.

I am not entirely sure we are piecing yet but I do like the direction our lives are moving now.