Have been wishing to have some time to get to the board. If you forgot about me, I don't blame you, I keep disappearing and when I came back it is in a very selfish way. So ugly, but I really don't have much time these days.
Everything is good with life. My boys are moving along. S22 is getting better every day now that he is not taking those bipolar medications. Still struggling sometimes to accept that he was misdiagnosed and lost time in his life. Oh well, he will learn.
S19 is always complaining that College is a waste of time. That sometimes the kids know better then the teachers. I just keep talking to him and reminding him that he is just a freshman, things will change eventually. He joined the soccer team and have lots of fun with it.
S16 is just moving with the flow in HS - getting ready to test for his driving permit (at last it is here). He has been more uplifting lately. In good spirits.
I am doing OK most of the time. I look pretty different now. And friends and family are saying that the divorce was really good for me.
Now, it is for real. I was dragging my feet on the job hunt stuff, but it is here. Lots of stuff changing at work and I will end up doing a lot more for the same money. NOPE, thanks but no thanks. I am a single mom and I need to be compensated for the long hours at the office. So, I am job hunting.
Working a lot on my faith and found out that I didn't know much about the God I pray for. I am very happy I got the opportunity to learn about this intimate relationship I can have w/my God and I am in love with him. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.
There are so much more layers on faith that I had no idea it even existed. I tough I knew it all, that I was doing all the right things. But now, I can see that I had no idea about my religion, my God and my faith. Happy I am having this in my life.
Now, the most important... THE EX HUBBY!!!
As you all said, it could be that XH talked about going out as friends, developing friendship and then nothing for a long time. Well, you were all right. After that day I heard nothing more about going on a date. We talked again for many hours and that was just him saying that I gave up on him before he gave up on our marriage, that I didn't love him anymore and he did me a favor, that he is broken and have nothing to offer to me or to anyone else as a matter of fact.
I did not say much, I just told him that it is all fine with me, and that I am moving on, that I need to live my life as it is and stop crying for the milk spilled.
We sat outside, looking at the full moon, not talking much. I put my hand on his back and he said that for a long time I don't give him a massage, then I gave him one. When I finished, I sat beside him and he held my hand very tight and said. Oh Pink, what we are going to do!!! I said... Nothing, let it just be.
Basically, things are kind of the same. His stuff is in my garage, even tough I asked him to take them away again. We see each other very often.
I just notice now that he is being more nose on my life. That he is doing extra stuff for the kids. It is like he is extra nice all the time. I know he has been changing, but I don't know how much.
This month he put on the schedule that he would cook something at the house, I did not complained about it, it is fine with me.
But what I am trying to say is that it is hard to read what he does. XH has been very polite since the beginning of all this. So, I am not sure if he wants to be close to me because of his nice behavior, because guilty, or because he is having second toughs about us, or is just simply because the kids.
He is always full of attention with me and has been more lately. Whatever I ask, he try his best to do.
But sometimes he says something that makes me think he is just trying to keep a good neighbor. Like, we are talking and I say that I need to have all my emotions in place and I tough it would be easier. Then he said that he is in a better place because he was ahead of me in the whole divorce stuff.
Or like last sunday, one of the ladies from the church asked me something and said - Ask for your husband to give it to you Pink. And then he said, EX, Ex husband.
I also did a bad thing. I SNOOP, again. Yes I did and yes I kind of regret it. XH left a bunch of bags in my garage and left to have dinner with the boys. I checked and found his computer bag sitting right there. I opened it and read some notes. XH always write about his feelings.
Found some notes about the OW. How he would like to say good weekend, why did this happen, that he will wait until his patience runs off, that he would like to make love day and night and blah, blah, blah.
The last thing he wrote was dated Oct/Nov 2015 then nothing more about her. The other stuff was only about himself and his faith. That he is holding on to his self by his values and faith, that all what he wants is that God will work on him and will make him a better person. That he will always be there for his family and friends.
In his notes about her there is no name, no place, nothing. There is no I love you, I miss you. There is just a cry out that she did not decide to be with him. But that does not change that he fell for her. That he loved her.
I don't know exactly what goes in his heart or his mind. There was a time that I asked for his help with some of the boys stuff and he said that he is already doing everything that we agreed in our divorce. Then I said that this is a very comfortable single life, with no responsibilities, that it is nice to see that he is happy now.
He said that I have no idea of what he feels, that I think he is very happy and it is all the contrary, that he has nothing and no one, that he sleeps alone every day, that he knows the mistakes he made. That he realized that he was stupid and did not know what he was losing until he really lost. That he regrets all what he did because it was a big mistake.
I try to read something similar, but I always find people that are gone for awhile, or people that are angry for awhile, but my XH is not like that. He has so much attention with me, he is so lovely many times, he says he loves me almost every time we talk, that he didn't stop loving me and couldn't take me from his heart to this day.
But yet... he is not back, he does not want me in his life. He pretty much seems like he accepts he made a mistake and that this is it, we are done forever.
The last two times I saw him, I was very quite, distant and did not talk to him besides say Hi, and short answers. He was skeptical, I notice that he was full of questions of why I was like that. Well, I know. I felt bad reading those words about the OW even tough I know it was written last year.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to put distance between us, but then I feel we can develop some friendship and get closer again.
There is a tiny bit of hope in my heart, but there is so much fear for enabling myself to just have empty hopes. It's complicated to put distance between us because he shows up, we go to the same church, we have same friends. But it is also difficult to be friends because I end up betraying myself and having a lot more hope then I should.
I feel more detached from outside. I say outside because sometimes I act as if, and I got pretty good about it. I is like he didn't exist sometimes.
I know I am not ready for another R right now. But in the same time I feel I want some attention, I want company, I want someone to share some things in life.
I started reading something between jack beans and a nice lady from Germany, I do not recall her name now. It helps, but her H was a complete J@@@K. Will keep reading to see if there is anything familiar to grab my eyes on it.
Why?? Because it makes me feel better, not alone, standing for a M that doesn't even exists anymore. By the way, I am still married to him in my country, what by the way is legally accepted in the US. What a mess.
XH called my mom in her birthday, said he called his mother in law. I just can't believe it is happening in my life.
If you have questions that would make think, if you see in my words what I can't see, if you know better then me, if you have advices, if you think about anything, please let me know.
I keep going because my heart did not forget XH, I still love him and even more now that he really goes a mile to treat me well. He probably thinks the same, why now I actually treats him with love and respect.
We make so many mistakes thinking that we are doing the right things. So unfair... but reality. And now the consequences of my behavior.
Whatever you throw at me, will be welcome.
If nothing, then I will just post it here, someone will use it someday.
