Talk from the kids about her getting a bigger house and a dog (wtf! she hates dogs!) is driving me nuts. W waltzes in with a "happy" look, when I know in her eyes she is not. Why are they so fake? Her facebook is littered with "lifestyle" pictures, but she is paranoid about getting old, and feels she has terrible wrinkles.
This is one h@ll of a rollercoaster. If I rewind myself back to spring, I had accepted the current sitch. The current state of play with a stalemate due to her demands about holidays is driving me nuts. I feel I want to hit her with an ultimatum, but I know this will do no good. I'm tired of feeling sad around my kids, yet I know a D will not help. I'm GAL'ing as much as I can, almost to the point it is making me ill. I feel far too invested in this M, but that my W has taken me for granted.
What is annoying me the most is her lip service to "trying". She sat in counselling as said she wanted to when I didn't unless she was committed. She has since done nothing more than a walk or soft drink at a bar. She now only seems to want to meet up in my time when I have the kids. This show no commitment in my eyes and is actually harder for me than not meeting up. Her reluctance to progress this in any manner seems like a signal to me that she is unwilling to work on the M. I should not be surprised since I know this is a sign of mlc, but I feel done. I want to stand but I'm starting to wonder the point.
I have no doubt we had and can have a fantastic marriage, but I cannot do it all myself. Equally I don't want the worry of someone not "all in" and the feeling they might not be there when I get home. It is going to take a lot of work from her to rebuild the trust needed in our R and I don't see her willing at the moment.
I know I'm now rambling, and probably it's just the hurt coming out, but I'm starting to doubt my strength. Another piece inside me is also wondering what will happen if things suddenly get serious and her "fantasy" starts to collapse around her. However I'm then scared of getting the answer I don't want to the question I've dared not ask.
I know I need to think this all over, 48 hours and all that.
