Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

Ugh. Didn't even try to go to bed until 7 am, then slept 4 hours. I really do need to get a handle on this...

[Vanilla]

So, just when I was thinking that the worst things that might happen already had, I discovered today that I was wrong. Despite financial restraining orders, today I found that my joint accounts (supposedly protected by the courts, and limited legally to only normal expenditures) were gutted. I went to pay a lousy little power bill, only to find that my balances had dropped by over 90%. My lawyers said he couldn't do such a thing, and yet I'm looking at nearly nothing in my accounts.

Phoebe, I haven't been posting here much recently and I have kept up with your posts. Truly this is awful and you don't deserve it. Yes I get it. The Giggalo has done this too and it's criminal behaviour. Not only that but he wants to sue me for the money he paid into joint accounts to pay bills. And he lives in Italy whilst pretending to be in the UK. Lies and mirrors and deception. This isn't about me but about scummy behaviour of a Wakward WAS.

Please my lovely one, get this to contempt of court or equivalent. If your jurisdiction is like mine then contempt of court will mean leaving and returning are monitored by immigration. Whatever your L can think of to get this dreadful thing before the court.

Awful, awful, awful behaviour of an entitled wayward.

Please take action asap.


So, suffice it to say that I am having a hard time again.

I am not surprised in the slightest and of course entirely understandable.

My last remaining shred of trust in WH is now gone entirely, my financial security, toward which I worked and scrimped for 25 years, is hanging by a thread (on the hope that the money might eventually be recovered), and I just feel so utterly confused, hurt, angry, violated.

Time for action Phoebe, if he has pensions or other schemes get them frozen. That is my choice with the Giggalo. Whilst he lies and schemes, I go for his pension schemes. I have also had the court moved to my jurisdiction at my convience not his. He is abroad and he has no rights of court choice.

These are snake behaviours of untrustworthy sneaks in the night. Side winding snake behaviours.

I abided by the court orders, never tried to hide anything, didn't sell anything, didn't give away his belongings, steal any of our money, etc. I've been taking the high road, and WH has been taking the low road at every single turn, including this major fork in the road. It takes a unique kind of person to.ehave this way.

I am going to call it, for me this is anti social behaviour. No pussyfooting with mlc foggy stuff. It's full on entitlement and a complete breach of the legal orders. It's nasty, mean and he could get criminal charges. You may wish to consider that route. No more Ms Nice Girl, time to get the gloves off.

He is the one that cheated, did drugs, invented and acted out a fantasy life, ripping up my hopes and dreams, and breaking my heart. And apparently, that wasn't enough. He had to go and try to destroy what financial stability I had left. It's heartless,
and cruel, calculated and callous. WTF?

No its theft and legal breaches. For his own shifty little selfish ego. And it's about him, his compulsive needs and this sounds so ridiculous when written but it is that which I believe - it isn't about you or destroying you directly. It's about him, his scabby needs and wants. Selfish jerkdom.

I wonder what I possibly did to warrant such ill will.

Absolutely nothing. You are blame free this is his arse hole behaviour. Sneaky stuff to maintain his facade for a short period of time.

Why someone who ever claimed to love me could steal from me, and steal so much. My long term financial security is in serious jeopardy. Yet another thing I never imagined.

Phoebe, you can't conceive of this because it is not in your nature at all to even contemplate it. Another measure of how your values are solid. I just wish I could reach though this screen and give you my very best rainbow hug. Know this, you are very special and stronger than you know. There are rough times ahead, of course. I know, I have the T shirt and this isn't going to be easy or comfortable. It's distressing rough and truly horrible. That's the bad bit and troubling.

My trauma has gone on for 2 years and continues. With NC it helps but part of it is, what is going on that I can't see, what is coming next? What comes from left field. Expect anything anD get those defences in place. And NO REACTION to anything, even if accused of the most ridiculous things or provoked. He may try to sweet cycle you back in. Or he may try to trigger behaviour he can point to counter balance his (or so he thinks).

Phoebe, you are going to be strong through this. You have you and your soul. Time to get real tough on that wayward and to defend yourself. Really get this behaviour and action to account and stopped by all fair and legal means.

I say this to you, some things are unforgiveable and you do not have to forgive. Especially if no forgiveness is asked for. This isn't about revenge but about legally enforcing the boundaries set by the court that were agreed. It's monstrous and no excuses or rationalisations will take that away. This is defense not revenge.

So sleep's a problem again, but I think I may finally be able to catch some Zssszz now that it's nearing 4 am. is afraid STBXH is going to flee the country, or maybe already has. I have to admit that possibility that he might do so has occurred to me, as well. A person has to be off their rocker to violate a court order so blatantly.

No, they have to be an entitled jerk wad, and consider they are above the law.

Lack of sleep is awful and I get the worry, anxiety and shock. It can and will interfere with sleep. I have no platitudes to offer you Phoebe, none. I haven't found the cure for my distress, PTSD or sleeplessness. All I can offer you is empathy and to walk with you on your path. With a little fire and a soft heart to listen.

I can't say it's going to be ok because none of us know that. I can say you can get to the other side with the help and support of the wonderful DB posters. And anything you go through now would be an improvement on the damage of a further 10 years or 15 etc. And I hate saying that as it seems to invalidate your experience, I sense that's true for me so seems appropriate to say. Thank God that phase is over, trite though it seems.

Know I am offering you my rainbow strength if you want it.

-----------------------------

In essence my lovely Phoebe, I lend you some fire to protect yourself with. And a little empathy.

Honey, it hurts so much, walk to the pain, rant and tell us all about it. Take action against this wassock behaviour.

This has nothing, nothing to do with you, you truly don't deserve this, not one jot of it.

V

[Phoebe]

V, I am so glad to hear from you. I feel like a complete fool for so many things I didn't do to protect myself. I didn't file first, so now I have a harder struggle ahead legally. I didn't move funds because I didn't want to start down this ugly path, so STBXH did it instead and now it's not only ugly, but I have almost no resources at my disposal now with which to pay bills or my lawyers for very long.

It's all so very disgusting. I've been in contact with my Ls, and a polite-nasty letter is pretty much as far as things have gotten. No response yet. If we don't hear anything, then I think it's off to court for higher-level interventions. Good grief. What a freaking mess.

Today was mostly OK. I didn't do much of anything at all, didn't see any family or friends, though I did talk to a few on the phone.

Mostly, I'm feeling kind of flat today.

[Phoebe]

And thank you so much for everything you wrote, Vanilla. I really appreciate the moral support, and I'll take all the rainbow strength you can spare, as well as a dose of that V fire. My own passes so quickly...

[Painter]

Phoebe, while your Ls are writing letters (and charging you for it), WH is out spending the money. I would request them to take court action immediately.

A contempt order is a strong tool that can be enforced. He's not sitting around with the money in a pile waiting to see what may happen. Once it's gone, it's gone. Right now, there may still be funds left and firm and swift action could possibly recover it for you.

[SH_]

Phoebe

I have to drop by and give ya a hug...for your kind, sincere, honest, heartfelt thoughts that you shared with me.
You are right and I know it in my heart...now to convince the self pitying 5 year old in my head...

Also I just want to hug and squeeze you tight because of the insanity of your sitch and the calmness that you are maintaining in spite of it all...

My dear Phoebe.. I am praying for you with all my heart.

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter! I hear exactly what you are saying, and I have the exact same fear.

I talked to l-friend about this, and, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to rush things along, even though I would very much like to do so. Apparently raising the issue of contempt is a big bad deal, and has to be approached in a specific order: contact WH's L,who then contacts WH, then they respond to my L. If they don't respond, THEN it's time for the big guns. Ugh.

L-friend just keeps telling me that it is out of my hands right now and I need to just stay the course, and trust the system. (Ha!) Meanwhile, back in WH's fantasy land, who knows what's going on to destabilize things even more.

I am having to exercise my patience very hard right now. I get these waves of blah feelings, then I feel anxious, then angry, then nothing, then I'm hurt, then there's sadness, then I'm happy, then I'm meh... I'm all over the place. I'm going to need a cervical collar soon from the emotional whiplash!

SH, thank you very much for the hug. I really need every one I can get, and appreciate every one of them. And no one can ever accuse you of being anything less than a fully formed adult.

There is nothing childish in struggling to sort things out when our lives have gone completely upside down. Childish would be hiding our heads in the sand and pretending that everything is fine, when it just... isn't. We have been very badly hurt, our trust had been betrayed on so many levels, and we need time and patience with ourselves, as much as with everything that is going on. I fully expect that I will still be struggling with some of these issues at this time next year, but I also expect that the trend will be generally toward a brighter future.

I read somewhere that one should expect at least a month of recovery time for every year of the relationship, maybe more, depending on the circumstances. With that math, I'm looking at 26 months, minimum, so 16 to go. I'm OK with that, as long as I continue to feel like I'm making progress. In fact, I'm kind of glad that I have at least some benchmark of what I might expect.

You can't set a time limit on grief, and there is just so much of it. I'm now at the point that I can go days without thinking much about WH at all, but then something will wallop me out of nowhere, like this whole financial betrayal. Shrug. It's just like we're navigating a mine field, and we never quite know where or when we might step on the next trigger. In my case, the simple act of trying to pay my power bill led to a huge explosion, both emotionally and legally. Who knew?

So, in happier news, here's a bit of a farm life update to get us out of this thought rut:

My beautiful little Silver-Laced Wyandotte pullet is laying the cutest half-sized egg. They are absolutely perfect and make the best little tiny fried eggs. In fact, she lay a double-yolked egg a couple days ago. It was the cutest thing I've seen in some time.

My silly young birds are just beginning to come to me when I call them outside. The older hens come running like they might miss their last meals, but the little ones have been a bit reticent. I suspect that is because they are lower not he pecking order, and so they have hung back when the big girls come a running! Lately, though, they're getting braver.

My kitties are wonderful, too. I still miss my little man, but I'm feeling better on that front. Now that he's not here, being cute and demanding all of my attention, I'm spending more time with the others, and they are also lovely.

Tomorrow I have my second class/discussion session with my native gardening group. I have a bunch of reading to do. Before this next session we are all going to tour the hosts' native gardens at their home. They've been working on for 15-20 years, and I'm excited to get a better look at it. From what I saw last time, it is pretty amazing.

Good night to all of my fellow DBers.

Hugs to all!

[Vanilla]

V, I am so glad to hear from you.

I am pleased and proud to be sharing with you. It is my honor.

I feel like a complete fool for so many things I didn't do to protect myself.

Yes I get it. Me too. You like V did what you needed to do at that point with the information you had. You did as you needed. So wallow in the I am a fool, wear the badge with pride. You are in excellent company.


I didn't file first, so now I have a harder struggle ahead legally.

And so it is. In the long run more struggle buto not impossible.

I didn't move funds because I didn't want to start down this ugly path, so STBXH did it instead and now it's not only ugly, but I have almost no resources at my disposal now with which to pay bills or my lawyers for very long.

Oh yes. I use credit cards......
Tough stuff. Truly it is. And ugly, yes.

It's all so very disgusting.

Yes. Yes. Yes. And anti social.

I've been in contact with my Ls, and a polite-nasty letter is pretty much as far as things have gotten.

Sorry not good enough. Strong instructions from you Phoebe for contempt. Take the lead. I have learned this. I lead, they do the legals.

No response yet. If we don't hear anything, then I think it's off to court for higher-level interventions. Good grief. What a freaking mess.

It is what it is. It is your choice to unless it Phoebe. Please don't pussyfoot. WH I slap your wrists. Nour, it's theft, go get a police report. And copy him in.

Today was mostly OK. I didn't do much of anything at all, didn't see any family or friends, though I did talk to a few on the phone.

Phoebe, here have some V fire in your belly.

Mostly, I'm feeling kind of flat today.

Time for action my dear brave Phoebe. Let me know.


V

[Phoebe]

Today was a frantic legal nightmare type of day, and therefore thoroughly awful.

I got to read STBXH's legal affidavit and it is full of angry garbage spewing, but all laid out in an organized and notarized legal document. It made me feel sick and hurt and angry and a whole spectrum of other unpleasant things just reading it. WH painting himself as a victim, that I insisted on buying our farm when he didn't want to, that all the money we have was his, that I've been living off his work efforts all these years, that we argued about it, that he warned me he wanted a divorce, but decided to give me a second chance. WTF!!! If I had any idea he wanted out would I possibly have been so broadsided by him abandoning me? Just complete horrible nonsense. Revisionist history in full swing, with lies and mis-statements of what happened. Stating that my efforts to improve the property were basically of no value whatsoever. All the worst of the earliest spew when he first left, but now delivered by the court system.

My affidavit was truthful. His is just personal.

WH claims (through his local L), that his non-local L told him he should move the money out of my hands because that L was worried that I would move it!!! Me??? I haven't hidden anything throughout this a whole disaster. Not one thing, nor have I gone on any trips, made stupid purchases, NOTHING, and yet he implies that I am the untrustworthy one? Supposedly the money is still intact, just now safely out of my sphere of influence.

I had to quickly get myself back under control and do a bunch of typing to formulate my response affidavit. I could barely even think straight. Still can't, actually, but with l-friend's help I managed to pull a few pages together. I had to take Xanax to even start to calm down, and I haven't taken any in weeks.

This is rapidly devolving in a most ugly fashion. WH is angry because I didn't lie down and roll over in submission when he launched his divorce bomb.

Anyway, it's been a thoroughly painful awful day, and I'm barely hanging in there. I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed, and then when I finally got some critter time in and some time outside on this gorgeous day, and was feeling slightly better, I came inside in time to get a call from my L informing me of all the new, unpleasant, developments, and letting me know he was going to forward WH's documents to me. It all went downhill rapidly from there.

Thank you so much, V, for your support. I feel like I'm in freefall again and I feel sick about all of this. I used to think that STBXH was the kindest person I had ever known. So much for that.

[Phoebe]

And I'm such a mess and was so busy writing legal stuff that I could t go to my gardening group tonight. I am so discouraged.