I am glad to hear that you are willing to look at your mistakes and want to make changes. This is what will carry you far whether you two reconcile or not. I would encourage you to find an IC that can help you through this process, keep doing your GAL activities and 180s. If you can stay on course, over time, you will grow as a person and all of your Rs in life will be stronger. If your W does not come around and give you another chance, then you will eventually meet someone and have a better R with them. That is the silver lining in DB.
I believe this is true because you have been given a gift--the rug has been pulled out from under you--and you will not longer walk through life being blind to your unhappiness and how you may hurt others. There is no use in beating yourself up any further and that will not bring her back. And there is NOTHING you (or anyone) can do that justifies infidelity. If she chooses to go down that path then she will have to live with the consequences. My H is years down the road and still has to live with his shame and regret of his A. The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence, it's greener where you water it!
So how can we help you move forward? You are getting new clothes and that is great! Find some people in the store that are dressed well and ask for advice. Most people are happy to help a stranger in that way! Try and make a few fun plans a week to get your mind off this sitch, even if you are not motivated to, it is a great distraction. I think this is also the best time to reach out to family and friends that you may not be spending much time with--nurture those relationships now. I made some wonderful friends and strengthened several Rs during my separation--and I still have them. Most people want to support friends during hard times and they can help you reinforce the postive changes you are ready to make in your life.
This could be a long journey, but you will get to the other side. Try not to keep beating yourself up. Start pulling from resources to help you understand why you made those mistakes and how to prevent them moving forward. Stay on course and become the man only a fool would leave, not for her, but for you!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
