I've had a whole range of practically physical symptoms these past few days: almost debilitating back pain, a crushing feeling in my chest, dizziness, nausea.
I just want this all to stop, and to wake up, and for it to all be normal again. Except I don't even know what that is any more. I can't ever remember what that feels like and what that ever felt like.
A Scot with back pain can't be a good thing. How're going to toss the caber?
Have you considered seeing a doctor? With those symptoms, you might be on the verge of a heart attack. Or you might need some anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants.
I've got an appointment for 24 October, to get some anti inflammatories for my back. That's an old injury that's flared up the past few years. Physic says it's stress.
I've had a whole range of practically physical symptoms these past few days: almost debilitating back pain, a crushing feeling in my chest, dizziness, nausea.
I just want this all to stop, and to wake up, and for it to all be normal again. Except I don't even know what that is any more. I can't ever remember what that feels like and what that ever felt like.
Focus, please check out the ted talk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid... The type of stress and emotional anguish you are sharing here sounds to have moved to physical symptoms... You need to treat for this, and amazingly there actually is good information and a lot of science and study behind what he shares. Please do take care of your self.
(((((focus)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I'm sorry for not replying to everyone's kind comments. I have read them all.
I've had a very bad few days. I'm feeling all over the place.
On top of it, I got a text message. He's leaving on Saturday.
He didn't say where and for how long, but he's going to work in New York with her until the end of January. So they'll be spending Christmas and New Year there.
Anyway, it was to say that we should have a conversation about how long is left to pay on the mortgage at some point.
This is Monday, and he's leaving on Saturday. What the actual? Like dropping some sort of bomb right there and then running away?!
I've not answered.
Legally I know that he has to provide financially for me if we're still married (on paper at least). I have no idea what to say back to that.
He's essentially running away again. Dropping a bombshell and running away. Leaving me to deal with it all. With the added pressure of replying before Friday/Saturday.
I was at work, with a few minutes to spare before a meeting with my boss.
I went into the toilet to get away from everyone and ended up having a panic attack there.
I emailed my boss from the toilet and apologised for being late. I told her I was having a panic attack (she doesn't know my situation). I told her it was nothing to do with the work I'm doing.
When I got to the meeting she was really understanding and told me she was full of admiration for me. She caught me a bit off guard, and I tried to assure her again that it definitely wasn't the work I was doing that caused the panic attack. And she said that it was to deal with anxiety the way I do that she was talking about.
Anyway, after work, I decided to go for a shot of whisky in a small pub on the way to do my own work. I had a nice time having a bit of a laugh with two guys who were very obviously both chatting me up (what an ego boost...me in my work clothes...having been crying in the toilets a couple of hours before!). They kept offering to buy me a drink, but I very kindly refused and said I was going to be heading off after I finished the one I had bought myself. I shared a few jokes, a little light hearted political chat and was on my way. One of them said it had been a pleasure to meet me and shook my hand.
Bumped into one of the people I share a workspace with. A very lovely girl I'd connected with a bit a couple of times we'd chatted briefly. I told her what had been going on and we chatted for ages. She was lovely and full of wisdom (her partner had left her 10 years ago after a miscarriage. He had also had an affair. Really horrible) . Anyway, she was so lovely and I feel like I've made a good friend there.
This is all so excruciatingly difficult. I don't know what to do.
I haven't yet replied, but I have regained my composure and feel centered again.
I think I finally get what's going on now. And being able to see this has helped me stand further back from the situation and not fee so caught up in it, or my feelings.
So, every time he us about to do something that he sees as significant, there are a flurry of bizarre FB posts from him and then he gets in touch with me by text. Any reason/excuse will do.
Because what it's really about is seeing how I react to his contact (it's only been by text since he left last October, which is good for me as I don't have to go with my initial reaction...which is still all over the place and doesn't allow me to step back enough).
They're all temperature checks.
So far, I think I've managed to be pretty neutral, and distanced after giving it plenty time and space to think about how I'm going to reply.
So, I have a feeling that he might throw a lot worse at me at some point in the future, to try and push that neutral reaction as far as he needs to so that he can get a reaction.
Any reaction at all from me, and he knows that he has my attention and energy (even just the handful of replies I have sent over the past year). Thinking about a reply and typing it is time and attention at a very basic level.
Any pleading and assuming all the responsibility for trying to fix things (like I did for a couple of years before October past) and he knows I would still like to be with him. Which means that he can still carry on with her, knowing he's got me dangling by a thread.
Make me lose my temper and be angry with him, and he gets to play the victim in all of this.
So what's left? Total zen. Or...
I chatted very briefly about it with my mum. She doesn't know what happened (about his waywardness), but I wouldn't be surprised if she's worked it out. She said just to ignore him completely and not even answer texts. Dignity in silence, that's her approach.
There's nothing he actually needs from me, and nothing he needs my help for...even getting divorced. He can carry the burden for all the decisions and for all the actions he takes.
I think I'm good with that. It frees me from all interactions with him, and from the possibility of all future interactions with him, which is like a huge relief.
It also means the attention, time and huge amount of energy I used for those interactions (even though they were very minimal) I can use on myself.
And, it will also give him a sense of what it's like with me *totally* out of his life.
I've had a whole range of practically physical symptoms these past few days: almost debilitating back pain, a crushing feeling in my chest, dizziness, nausea.
I just want this all to stop, and to wake up, and for it to all be normal again. Except I don't even know what that is any more. I can't ever remember what that feels like and what that ever felt like.
Focus, please check out the ted talk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid... The type of stress and emotional anguish you are sharing here sounds to have moved to physical symptoms... You need to treat for this, and amazingly there actually is good information and a lot of science and study behind what he shares. Please do take care of your self.
(((((focus)))))
Thank you.
I loved this talk.
I'm really not very good at this at all. Everything gets turned inward with me. I can't quite express how painful it all is in words.
I'm soothing my physical aches and pains with hot baths. I'm having them a lot. But I figure it's not a bad thing I'm doing. Being in the hot water is really calming and relaxing, and it really helps me unwind.
I coloured my hair again, red (which looks like a deep red on me). Everyone notices it, and they all love it. It's colour I'd never considered before, so I like that...a break from the past.
I also bought myself some new winter accessories: huge, oversize, tartan scarves and a coupe of pairs of short boots in the sales. These styles are a new departure for me as well...a break from the past.
So, last night...I had an awful nightmare. He was sitting there, head bowed. I was standing up near him, and all our friends and family were looking on, like an audience watching a show. I was talking, almost shouting at him, my voice half way between crippling hurt and venomous anger. It was also a performance for the benefit of all our friends and family. I was saying/shouting how we all have feelings, but that we don't all have to act on them. And the difference between feelings and actions.
Woke up feeling utterly exhausted.
I bought myself some nice fish and an avocado for lunch. Had them mashed together. Healthy food that is good for you.
I'm trying to work on some admin today to move my life forward.
Finally applying for a single person's Council Tax discount. And I discovered that they can backdate it too, to the date he left. That should make things a bit easier next year (depending when it comes through).
A year feels like no time at all.
I remember getting to three months and thinking I had already come so far.
But a year? I can remember the pain like it was just yesterday.
I've tried to do a 180 on this, and I felt a bit crushed by what happened today.
I normally don't talk to people about issues/feelings. I find it hard to trust people. But I've been trying to talk a little more since this whole thing happened.
I have two closest friends. One has been very cut and dried from the very beginning, telling me to 'get a divorce'.
I asked her advice on something (I know, I know...I really just wanted a friendly ear and to find my own way to my own answer). She was very much of the 'get a divorce and make it amicable to avoid years of animosity'.
I asked her if she would have said the same thing if my husband had died suddenly a year ago. And she said he hasn't, nobody has died.
I tried to explain how I felt that a he had, in a sense. And she just cut the conversation short.
I almost had a panic attack afterwards I was so upset.
I know this is bad, but she's only just got married and I wanted to say to her imagine how you'd feel if it happened to you, not just after getting married, but after many years of marriage. But I didn't say anything like that, obviously.
