Lost, when I came to the board back in 2007, I was a wayward wife. I was in an Internet A, and was considering leaving my H. Like other WW's, I thought I had a mile-long list of justifiable reasons. However, I was quickly shot down when I tried to relay these reasons for my A (thank goodness for the great people back in 2007 that dealt with me).
I, too, believed my H had always put me second. In my case, it was his family, especially his mother. My love tank had been dry for years when I found myself vulnerable for an A. No emotional intimacy, no physical intimacy, no nothing. I felt as if I were dead.
I had saved up many years of resentment, and had lost respect for my H. I will spare the details, b/c I had so many. However, regardless of how much I felt he neglected me......it did not give me a free pass to cheat. As it was pointed out to me......why didn't I divorce him, and then find another man? That would have been the more decent thing to do.
Therefore, I am telling you that you are not responsible for your W having an A. Yes, you are responsible for the things you failed to do, but she has free volition. The A was a decision she made. She is responsible for her own actions, just as you are responsible for yours.
It must hurt terribly to see your part in the breakdown of the MR. The good news is that you are actually seeing your mistakes. As painful as that may be, you are learning. In all the years of my M, I have never heard my H talk about mistakes he made in our MR. If/when you and your W reach the point of really piecing the M back together, you can share what you learned about yourself, but don't do it while she's wayward.
When we are young and in a relationship, we are going to make mistakes. When we are old and in a relationship, we are going to make mistakes. Hopefully, the mistakes we make when we are older...will not be the same mistakes we made when we were young.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
