D and MLC

[ciluzen]

I couldn't think of anything to write on my new thread so I left it for a few days. Not much has really happened, but the thoughts filling my head are...thick like molasses. They seem to just get stuck on everything. I'm not depressed, really. But there's this little faint buzz of "H" that is almost ever present but very faint. Is this normal?

I received those D papers to go over last week and, because both Ls were going out of town til last night, I just put them aside. Now I will have to go over them and email changes to L. Still have no real feelings about it. Its just one more thing to do...like shopping or paying bills. I almost feel disconnected to what it represents. This disturbs me for some reason. Shouldn't I feel some great sense of loss? I wonder if its because of DBing and the fact that I haven't said to myself I'm completely done?

I'm mostly dark, though after our "bank and beer" meeting, I expected H to send the mail to me that he seemed upset to have left at his apartment. So I texted him and asked for it. He didn't text back that day, so I thought, "here we go again with the ignoring my texts". However, he texted the next day to say he sent the mail to me and that he paid for our shared storage for the month. We were going to split it, but he told me at mediation that he would pay it. That was nice. When I received the package with my (now late) bill and other mail in it, I noticed Bubbles' writing for my address and the office stamp for his address. Nice... and so so sensitive. Not sure if that was on purpose or just another thing he let employees handle because its a habit now. Having them do everything for him. She is an office employee. But still, not very sensitive. Other than that, still very dark. These things will pop up for awhile, I'm sure.

Started my last pre-req, abnormal psyche. Finished my application to grad school. I have a lot of things on my schedule to look forward to. And there is already snow at the ski resorts. I really need to find some ski pants that fit; mine are all 3 sizes too big now. I have new jackets, so why not new pants and gloves, too? However, my time of spoiling myself is pretty much over...tuition and biopsy bills went on my credit card. The real world has arrived.

I will say, I really like my IC. Talking to her is very helpful. However, she seems genuinely confused about my attitude towards my soon to be ex-H. She also was D at my age and had just finished grad school at that time. She seems to be very angry still. She doesn't understand why I can still feel able to talk lightly to H when I see or have to deal with him. Why I'm able to forgive him and not Bubbles. I guess, because he has shown at least some guilt and remorse? Apologized over and over? I see that he feels stuck because of his choices and also he's made choices that have gotten him into this mess because he is trying to make himself happy. Only time will tell if that works out for him; he's not happy right now. He chose a woman he can't "have", a friend only, over me and our family. He has lost respect of many people, and he is trying to hide the fact that he's divorcing me from patients and others because...he knows he's wrong. What a sad, sad man. I feel sorry for him right now, but not really. He put himself in a very strange position. But my IC doesn't really get that.

Maybe its just me, but I still love him even if I don't love what he has done. I see the unhappy, insecure person inside of the jovial in-control person he is to others. But he's also given me the kick in the butt to grow and rethink my own course. I kind of have to be grateful for that in away, right?