Si_07, when did BD happen? It was bad in July/August/Sept last year, but mine was Halloween in 2015. We Divorced by May. Quick.
I'm about where you are. I enjoy my time by myself way more than I used to - I used to hide from my wife, as I have figured out. Had a date or two, but just meeting people. I need to stay single for a while. EX WW is on text mute - she gets texts when I want to give them back to her.
So proud of you man. Keep it up. I don't want to go back to her - you sound the same.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Hi trumpet, BD was 14th Dec 2015 but there was a previous BD in Feb 15 where W said she nearly went to begin an affair but came home. However, thoughtout the year said he was just a friend and said it wasn't important when she interacted with him at work. I didn't find this site until the beginning of this year. I had found many things about EA's and tried to get her to read stuff but it was falling on deaf ears. I understand why now after being on this site.
My thing is although she says she broke, I just see the same person she has always been. She has chosen friends over me before and then turned it on me, even on our wedding day, she was talking to friends when I went up to her to go dancing and I got told to "Go away"... I didn't say anything at the time but when I brought it up later it was my reaction that was the problem...
I have learnt through this that W is someone that needs and wants all the emotional support needed but the few occasions I have needed she goes missing and generally walks out the door. Over the years I kept trying to change myself to adapt but just lost myself in the process. I'm not going to let that happen again and if it means walking away from this M, then so be it.
W has been someone that wants you to be interested in her and all her interests but really isn't interested in me or mine. Nothing has changed during this time, I get random messages with snippets of her life but never once has asked about me since she moved out. She needs to be center of attention and when we worked it's because i did that. When I have had my own life and doing other things, is when there has been issues.
I had a text to say she was on a train heading home and all was well... didn't bother reponding.
I sent a text about clothes for D3 and if she had any that were too small I had someone interested in them and I would be going to see her in a few weeks.. got no response.
I received an email, kinda half hearted backlash that I was expecting trying to use the house as leverage as it's all she has. She wants a valuation carried out, I said no problem just co-ordinate with me so i'm present when someone enters my home. She said we would speed this up if we agree to waive our rights to each others pension, I said no problem as I have no interest in her pension.
She has been the main bread earner in this relationship as I moved around jobs while supporting her career. In the past year I pushed for an engineering job (i'm not an engineer) and got it. I was working on the production floor of the company and from many accounts I have done something unheard of withiin the company. I have had considerable positive remarks from my boss that he values me higher than some of his other engineers. In some ways, I have gone above her in my career by pushing myself forward while, in a number of ways, she has at best stayed still but in some ways has gone backwards. I have offered to buy her out of the house as I can afford it by myself once my tax code changes in the new year, it makes a big difference to my income.
Sorry I detoured from the episode...
For the past several months W knows of a loophole where she can charge me rent for her half of the house (she is still part owner at present). She has used this on several occasions to tell me she was going to start charging me in August but I had explained all the missed joint payments she had which covered my 'rent' for August and September. I offered her 200 a month for her rent' which would be due to start this month.. I checked the account expecting her to have put in 300 but find she has put in 1000 with no explaination....
I then went to watch S7 soccer training after work yesterday only to find he wasn't there and W didn't let the trainers know. He has a tournament on Sunday that I will go too, hopefully she brings him to it...
I have no explaination to things and am not going to try... On to the weekend and next weeks episode..
S7 did not go to soccer tournament, received a text saying he had a cold. Replied with, thanks for letting me know and tell him I hope he feels better soon.
Spent the afternoon putting a new desk together and sorting out the office/spare room.
Yesterday as I'm finishing work, I planned to go to soccer training and see if son was there. Just as I'm walking out, W sends a text saying that he felt better and went to training. I get there and see W and D3 walking around. I park and walk up to where son is playing, notice daughter running to me. She ran the full length of the soccer field and gave me a big hug. She played with me and I had her laughing so hard as I usually do. W came to the same area but didn't come to me, I had nothing to really say to her either, just played with D3 and watched S7.
Bit later daughter walked across the other field shouting at me to come chase her, W started to walk after her so I left her to it. W went to run to chase her, took barely 2 strides before back to walking. There was just no energy to her or around her, it was like she was walking around in a daze. I just leave her to it, not my issue to fix.
My son had a soccer game this weekend. I went, but ex WW had him this weekend. He played well. I met him halfway across the field. ex WW waited.
When I got in my car and left, I waved to him, but not to ex WW. She gave me a stare-down and an angry look and half-wave to me, like she was mad I didn't wave. I told her two weeks ago I finally had enough venom in the texts - she needed to stop, and I would only respond to texts that concerned the kids. I told her she was not someone I ever want to be associated with, and I would like to never see her again.
Since then, it's been better. But the times I have seen her she looks tormented. She's got our old house, her man, and her life. I don't think it will make her happy, but it's no longer my concern. Your W and my ex-WW are the same, from your description. Mine could never give of herself - lots of taking, no giving. No concern for me, just for her. It feels so good to be free of that constant worry of how my ex-ww would be, what I needed to do, what mistakes I would make (perfection is what she expected from me)... just great to have no expectations from someone I love.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Hi Si_07, it was good reading through your story and I take a lot positives from your situation.
I myself am only 5 weeks into this torrid situation. My W left after we had been together for 18 years, married for 10 and with a 3.5 year old son. The reason being that I have been controlling and failed to listed - but apparently this was like the flick of a switch.
There has been little to no communication and I feel so lost.
I'm only 36 so my entire adult life has been with her and I got my validation from her. I know that I've come so far (even in just 5 weeks), but I have no idea how I am supposed to drag myself through each day.
Bravo to you though fella.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Was at our work Ocktoberfest on Friday night which was a great night.
Picked up kids Saturday morning, had a new shirt that fits better due to the weight I have lost and kept off. Having to slowly rebuild my wardrobe. As I picked up kids, W came down to her door wearing her coat and bright red rubber boots, (she didn't even come outside). S7 first asked if we were going somewhere as he obviously noticed the clothes I was wearing. I just replied that we might be.
I get home and check kids stuff, son's soccer boots and shin pads are missing and he has a tournament today. Son tried to call her, no answer so I text. She responds at 7.00 in the evening saying she has dropped them with one of the other mothers to bring as she doesn't know if she will come to the tournament. Says she came down with a fever and sore throat. If she is ill again, I believe that's about the 10th time this year, I would say I know of her being ill almost once a month since she ended this. Earlier I didn't hear about it from her, the last couple of months, I've heard about each time.....
I just replied to her saying that I had got him a new pair of shin pads as I hadn't heard before stores closed (I have a spare pair of boots so figured I'd just get a spare pair of both) and cheers for the info in case the kids get symptoms and said feel better.
For the last couple of months now, in almost every text there is a problem she is having....
Anyway, had a good day with the kids, quiet as I was still a bit tired from the night before. Heading to the tournament later and maybe going swimming afterwards.
At sons soccer tournament, W's new friend (also a single mom) came and spoke to me telling me how sick W was... I basically said it was a shame and she seems to be sick a lot over this past months. Personally I know this is because of stress, it's what her body does when she is not looking after herself.
Felt my first wobble in the last few weeks in having the feeling of doing something to help her out. When I was making dinner, it did cross my mind of taking her some but I refrained with the thoughts of this is her decision and she wants to look after herself rather than have the support of her family.
Tournament went ok, sons team is young but they did alright. Played with D3 in between the games. We picked up an ice cream on the way home and then they both helped me changed the tires for the winter ones.
Chatted with one of my buddies who married one of my W's cousins (it was at their wedding that me and W met). He was telling me that his W had reached out to mine but got no response.... is in keeping with her mindset of shutting the people/family out that will potentially disagree with her actions...
Why do I still post DDJ, because I still learn from this site and while many situations are similar yet unique, I learn from other posters and hopefully I can help others with my own experiences.
For me, it's not about nullifing my emotions to not feel anything, it's about learning how to control them in positive ways so that I can build an exciting, wonderful relationship in the future. This may, and at this point, probably won't be with my W. Being here, learning from so many resources and reflecting over the years, I have come to understand my W in ways I don't think she has to this day. She is someone that needs constant external validation but while I can understand it, it is not something I can help her with.
Does this mean I stop caring about the mother of my children, no. I can show compassion but I have also come to terms that it is unlikely she will find this understanding without the desire to do so. I see on a weekly basis her searching for the next buzz, the next boost of energy that she gets from that validation. However, I have also understood that a relationship in this fashion is unhealthy as it is extremely exhausting for the other person. This has also helped me understand how I always had the feeling that nothing was ever enough, she always wanted more, needed more and I got to the point where I had nothing left to give.
I have my faults and I learn from those also, I clean up my part of the street as we recommend to many posters.
I am not going to wait around for something that may not happen, I'm not looking to be friends with my W (like I'm sure she would like to be). I live my life how I want to, I'm enjoying my life, I have learnt to understand people in a much different way but the most important thing is learning about myself.
I am now at the point where I am thankful this happened, that I needed this because if it had of have carried on like it was, it may have destroyed me in ways I may not have recovered from.
