Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[ericmsant2]

Bru

I know not to believe anything, but when she presents herself one way to me and another way to her friends, I get confused.

Anything after a but is usually the excuse we give ourselves.

If you were more focused on YOU – you would be less focused on her behaviors and not get confused.

W received her first paycheck last week and continued to draw from our joint checking account for various things. She paid her mother $375 for the first 3 weeks of babysitting from our joint checking without saying a word to me or asking me beforehand to agree to anything (when discussing going back to work, she itemized that part of her check would go to child care).

How are martial bills normally paid? Maybe you need to come up with a budget and sit down with her and come to an agreement on who pays what and when.

She bragged to OM that night that she wasn't going to bother doing so. I texted her once again the following day, also ignored.

She bragged to OM…..Hmmm…still snooping are we?

when she makes a 1/3 of what I make

Maybe the solution is to split the bills and allocate 1/3 of the bills to her.

She was asking me where is the proof that I love her.

This is an interesting quote. One that I think you need to be careful with.

I told her the best I can do these days is to continue paying all the bills and giving her all the space she needs since she is so angry with me and doesn't want to speak to me at all.

NOTICE that YOU agreed to pay all of the bills – yet you are also trying to limit HER cash – in part I suspect because you do not want to fund her affair, which I agree with. First stop agreeing the things that you think she wants to hear. Maybe a better answer is that you are respecting her need for space and also working on really looking at some of her complaints and trying to address those.

If I were you…I would spend some time rehearsing answers that you will want to give her. This way you are not shooting from the hip.

I told that I cleared out the savings account and that I stopped putting money into the joint checking account, that I set up my own private checking account. I could hear her breaking into tears saying "how could you do that? That's my money, too!"

Bringing things like this up….only prove to show her that you are more interested in saving your arse.

I calmly explained that I have to protect the family's financial situation. I have to make sure all the bills are paid and everyone has health insurance. I cannot do that when she continues her reckless spending on clothes, restaurants, taxis, video games and "nights out".

Once again…why not sit down with her and include her in the process. I get that she probably may not “get it” – however, doing things the way you described is not getting you the results YOU want. DB101 – if something is not working try something different.

I try to avoid finger pointing, but she won't let sh!t drop.

There is the BUT again….


Ericmsant…I would BUT….I could BUT….I try BUT…..

Bru – YOU can control how you respond. Keep working on it.

Today's holiday allowed me some snooping and my W says she is getting ready to file for a S.

Here we go again….snooping….. Dude, your snooping is impacting YOUR ability to work on your changes. You snoop – then respond…you snoop, then get emotional and respond again. Stop it!

In the same breath, she's talked of quitting her job that she's only held for a month.

How long has she worked in general? Were you the primary bread winner for the duration of the marriage?

she's telling people I am trying to control her through money. I don't get it.

YOU claim you don’t. I thought see it very differently. IMO, you are. You are using finances to control IF she files. As I mentioned earlier….you cannot serve 2 different masters.

I don't know if I really need to put a good foot forward. She still sounds confused, but she seems intent on trying to figure out how to file.

I want you to chew on this question for a bit and I mean really chew on it. Take your time…. Believe it or not….you really already know the answer.

Do you really want to stay married to your W because of the love you have for her, the way she makes you feel, the deep connection you have with her OR are you really just afraid of the impact to YOUR life and that of the kids?

I receive so much conflicting advice, and I don't trust my gut or my heart right now. I don't know where to go.

I actually think you know what your gut it telling you. The question really is….do you like the answer. As for where to go – it really is simple – FOCUS the F*ck on YOU finally. Focus on really making changes that YOU want for YOURSELF.

Covering my butt is a big deal with the money

I get it dude – I really do. You will need to choose…..money or trying to save this and giving it everything you have.

I reached out to yet another person for validation that I'm in an abnormal sitch that I feel powerless over.

As people we really FEEL like we want control. I believe that we actually convince ourselves that we somehow have this control. We don’t. Getting to a place where we accept that we really only control ourselves is KEY. You are powerless because that is what you keep telling yourself….when the reality is quite different.

I still feel like this really is all my fault

A normal feeling if ya ask me. Add to it that the person that you loved has painted you as Lucifer reincarnated. Here is the thing…… Learn to be honest with yourself. Learn to look deep inside yourself. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Once you master this….IMO…..a lot changes…a lot. The changes you want to make for YOURSELF become important – not because of what others say…nope…because you want to change.

It is hard to let go of pride

Hard does not equal impossible.

when half of me wants her to leave anyway

And believe it or not….you do have the power to make that choice. Question is…is that what you really want or is that the hurt that is speaking…or fear.

Part of me thinks DBing is just going dark and nothing else.

Read the book again – there is a lot more to it than just dark, GAL and detach. Given how emotionally you are connected though it is hard to realize that. Detach and things may make more sense.

I'm not trying hard enough to figure out what it is I need to change.

Simple – just do better.


Here is what I see……


You want things to go back to normal. You want her to all of sudden snap out of this. You focus on her and what she is doing. All of this put you in the position to not really FOCUS on you.


So Bru…..what is it that you really want to change about YOURSELF for YOURSELF…..cause trust me….the best chance you have to save this is to really become someone that a women would be a fool to leave

And that…..YOU CAN CONTROL.

Balls in your court.