The Fight For Self III

[CT1118]

FG/Surfer -
Nothing makes sense in any of this - you both know that. Enough said:
“Freely we serve
Because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.”
― John Milton

As my renaissance man said above, this is all a choice, those of us who remain do so by free will. Is this what we want? Is this really by choice? I would not freely choose to know my W took all 4's w/ another guy, but I do, I know that happened. The horrible part of honesty is that I broke into her phone last February 2016 and read that - out of my own free choice...to know. Maybe you all did something similar, maybe not. I was a spy then, we all were at some point, I do believe, to get here.

So Surfer, your comment made me want to review my journal. According to it, I called her out for the first time in August for allowing her OM to meet our s4 (at the time s4). I restated boundaries, anger,etc. That same day was the first time in a while I got the "I love you" and a kiss. Since, again according to journal, there was nothing until Sept. 11 when I noted she "hugged me deeply while telling me she loved me. I told her 'I love you back, but it was simply a response and it was awkward'" again, according to journal.

Since then - 4 count of the 'I love you' and two counts of the kisses. Pulse check - totally open to that, step towards, I completely doubt that. More likely her significant confusion and desire to remain in control. What I think anyway. What a mess.