Detached, getting along better, but in limbo....

[Cherry]

Surfer, sorry to hear you've had a bit of a time cycling too lately. Is there something in the air? Wrt the bday gift, absolutely just get something from you. Have a special evening of a treat, take them out or get a movie and pizza and bday cake. Nothing ott, just a nice evening of fun.

It is hard not to get sucked into the vortex of the ws sometimes, we all do it. The importance, for you and me, is that we keep ourselves the same. No codependent mood matching. And no rising to the bait. I was reading up on narcissistic behaviour (my wh fits into this very well). And one thing that for sure ran true, is that they will do anything for attention- good or bad. They're just trying their best to get a reaction from us, the healthiest thing we can do for us is to deny them of that reaction. They truly do show teenage/toddler behaviour, they'll act up to get some attention from us. let's not give this to them, we can do it.

I wouldn't worry about the text, I don't think anything like that would make or break the situation right now. But I totally get the anger, tonight rage bubbled through me, and I furiously wrote out a text telling him not to insult my intelligence, I know about the ow. Bit of a mistake and a stupid thing to do if I'm honest. But I was angry and fed up. We all get that way.

Take some time to do some reading up, revisit DR if it helps, detachment thread exactly.

Sara wrote some interesting observations on cake eating. You know your limits. I don't think there's anything wrong with being civil and putting the kids first and protecting them from the madness. You know your limits. If you feel she is taking advantage of asking you over, then politely decline with you have plans (hey we have a life too yano!) or if you feel it's her reaching out to connect, then go for it. You truly know what you are or aren't willing to do.

Stand up, straighten your crown and get back to it.

[Surfer]

W was quite late dropping kids for school this morning. Always late for everyone, school plays the lot. Disorganised. Is this common amongst a WS?

Said "you're late this morning" in a friendly way. She the began an "I didn't do it on purpose rant", "I couldn't find my keys", I just said okay. She then stopped and talked to D6.

Kids were very happy and we had a lovely 30mins together. They went into school very happy.

Have had quite a heavy weekend Friday and Saturday out, beers with the boys and then went to a BBQ. Yesterday a friend stayed, had dinner and watched a film. Going to kick start a healthy eating and exercise regime this week as I have been lazy. Then try and work out a hobby.

Lots to do. D8 said mummy is still on her phone a lot texting, whattsapp etc. This is the communication mode for the OM. It's how I caught them. It's hard to know how to deal with this. I know I am mind reading as she may not be in contact. Also, why should I care, I am a little numb to it rather than upset as such.

I still don't feel in control as WW is not progressing mediation. Thing is though, I don't want to be in touch with her when she is wayward. I don't find her agreeable as a person - but I am funding her heavily. Time to speak to L re: separation agreement or questioning whether this is going forward or not perhaps. Perhaps the separation agreement can just be used to draw some financial and custody lines. The latter might just look like I am pushing for the D which obviously I don't want - but then if she is never going to change (possible of course), I don't feel so keen to have her back. I can't really talk to WW about all this as it's R talk.

The kids want us together though, if she changes of course I could want her back. So we have a happy family unit.

On another note. I was reading DB and it was talking about how parents divorcing children or visa versa would be absured - yet with a S it is obviously very common. It is an odd concept.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Once you have spoken to an L you will feel a little bit more in control of the situation. Always best to have your ducks in a row and know where you stand with things.

Whatsapp seems to be the portal for A's, that's how I rumbled him. It's really best not to think too much about it, you're just hurting yourself.

You were doing quite well previously when you put the focus fully back on to you, so I'm glad to see you are kick starting a new regime to focus upon, and that you had a good weekend with your friends.

It's hard for the children, especially as they kind of know what is going on. I think the best thing you can do with that is what you are doing, let them see that they are still loved regardless.

As hard as it is, just leave her and her wayward ways alone for a while- step back. She is going to be all over the place for a while. But we know that this is their own internal conflict, and not really anything to do with us.

[Surfer]

Thanks Cherry.

[Surfer]

Journaling....I am feeling good today. Totally over recent wobble. All nice and confident again.

Decided to take S6 to football with practice WW usually does. She seemed really appreciative. I'm not going to do it if I doesn't fit in with me but I am going to try and make the effort each week. If it looks like she is not being appreciative at any point I will definitely reconsider. Anyway it's time with S6 and so far so good and a bit of a 180 - I don't normally take him as it's relatively early in the evening and I am often working. I was also thinking it might be cake eating too. It felt right.l though. W stayed at rented place with D8. All seemed happy when I got back. I didn't linger just drop and go. W said thank you and seemed to be pleased. Not that it matters to my emotional state but I appreciated it.

I noticed whatsapp dings when I was there. OM favoured method of communication. Her girlfriends too at times. Didn't really bother me but as D8 has said she is on whattsapp a lot I did think mmmmmm. Anyway no mind reading.

I do think we have potential to get along much better and who knows. Not sure she will ever really apologise and regret for the hurt, but no point in trying to second guess that.

Keep contemplating dating......not sur yet still.

I am still concerned that she is not moving forward with mediation. She is also too comfortable financially at the moment and is not really feeling any pressure of being apart. I still think finances will be the key to this. In a way I want to know, are we divorcing or not. Are we mediating or not but I suspect all I can do is get my L to put a separation agreement on the table to improve custody and restrict spending by my W. However, this won't improve relations. I know this sounds controlling but I do want 50% custody - I am at circa 30% right now. Also, if she is renting, she should doing that with 'her' money not our money.

Perhaps I am rushing things. Or perhaps I am just being a mug whilst she is waiting for an OM (perhaps there is one - definately has been) - I am propping her up financially until she is ready to pull the rip cord????

Any views.....?

Surfer.

[PsySara]

My DB coach said boundaries are to keep things healthy but not restrictive. I think in this case a financial separation would be effectively letting her feel the loss without being punitive. You can tell her that it's not working for you. What is your end goal? How does it look? What will bring you closer? Seeing a future between you and your wife is one way of enduring the marathon of DBing when the WAS/WS is still floundering. But in the meantime it is not unreasonable to expect your wife to support her separate living arrangement, it may bring into focus real life when it comes to leaving her family.

[Cherry]

Great advise from Sara there. Perhaps the separation agreement will be the knee jerk that she needs in order to help her see reality. Right now, although living apart, she still has the safety net of your money. I think you are best putting some control on the situation there. I completely get where you are coming from with regards to not wanting to rock the boat with regards to the recent calm, but I think you truly need to protect yourself just in case.

[Surfer]

Thank you both. If a separation agreement can help to focus on she only has a limited sum of the money she has available to make her next move that should do it. I.e you might have your hands on £75k of cash but spending more than £30k will be totally unreasonable and even then you will need to account for what is spent as it's not just your money. Need to work out how best to get this across.

I will speak to L about this.

Thanks.

Surfer.

[Ginger1]

Your wife usually takes your S to football practice. I think it's great your wife is appreciative. But to not do it if she isn't?

I'll ask, why is she the one who usually does it? If you enjoyed taking him and getting more time with him, why don't you work something out with your W and alternate?

I've notices a "wife usually does it" theme when it comes to the kids, like the birthday gift. I think these are great opportunities for you to 180. And not only does this 180 show how you can take initiative with the kids, but I bet your S would love it.

I personally swore I wouldn't be a doormat, but when it came to our daughter, if he wasn't willing to get it done, I would. I mostly do all of her activities. I haven't gotten an ounce of appreciation in 8 years for all I do for our daughter. But I don't do it for the appreciation of her father (I admit, it would be nice) I do it because my daughter is happy. because no matter what, she can always count on me. That's priceless.

[Ginger1]

I just want to add, I do understand when in a marriage with kids certain roles are taken. I forget sometimes as we split when she was a baby. The adjustment is some thing new, just I think you can reap so much positivity from taking a more active role.

But don't expect appreciation. Your rewards will come from your kids .