The Fight For Self III

[SH_]

CT, my friend....
Take pause...
Take a breath...
Sit still...
Take a moment...
Take rest...

Fatigue can create a thief that runs through our heart and mind stealing that which we have worked so hard to amass...
You have built a fortune of knowledge, emotional intelligence, calm, peace with oneself, and direction.

Take rest to ensure that your protection is in place against this thief...
Energize your self before taking another step in your journey...
Rest is needed as part of the growth process...this holds true in building muscle for the physical body and the mental state.

“Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” ~Maya Angelou

[ForGump]

Again: beautiful verse. Will keep it.

Also beautiful: your paragraphs about where you are, and how tired you are.

You have boiled life down into its existential bone. I wonder which way you will go. Or if you will go at all. No judgment here. I have no prescience about what works, or what is good.

One judgment, same as I've told JRuss: you have proven your core, at least to me. You are a good man. Ten times any man you might stop on the street.

[Cherry]

There are a lot of great men on here that really are preventing me from becoming the bitter scourned woman saying "all men are trash". I think it's just down to how I seem to pick partners.

CT, I'm sorry to hear that you are exhausted. I think there is a good lot of us on here now that are just tired of the behaviour, tired of the pain. SH always gives great advise about when the physical side is tired, it pulls the rest of us down. This is useful for us all so we can continue to march ahead and regain our sense of self.

Ps, for fear of sounding like your mama, please take time to eat! You can't run a car with no fuel.

[CT1118]

.....Well.....I logged off after that last post and went to bed. I slept for 8 hours, which is the longest stretch in a long time. When I got up, I took S5 to a b-day party at the zoo, spouse was there too. It was a good time. I am able to be around her now without feeling like a starving puppy or acting like a junkie wanting a fix. We do not usually do a b-day thing together, but this was for a kid who was in the premie ward with s5 for a month, so it was cool to see them both together and both strapping young lads. Spouse took s5, I came home after and did absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. A hurricane was coming in anyway. Again went to bed and slept 8 hours until alarm told me to go to work and check damage.

SH_ , not sure how, but I had missed your comments before making my last reply:

Not that I am not sleeping fine, just that I am up at all hours reading and trying to find answers to questions...and not even sure what the questions are...

This is so true. Its been many months now and I am still reading new stuff, and as you say, sometimes I don't even know what I am looking for. Would suggest it begs the question of when that part ends, but the Old School still reports here, I know they teach, but as one of my professor's profoundly put it "I teach so that I may learn". So perhaps this part goes on.

I am sensing this may be yet another leg in the journey that we are taking and that there is opportunity for growth and progress...

I think you are correct. I am sure these legs have names. Wonder what this one is? Actually, no, no I don't. Wait...

Limbo as they call it is not a comfortable place...No pain, no peace, no sadness, no joy...just blah!...nothing.
Kind of like a vortex in time...a time that I will look back at as a hole in my life.

Yeah, I had forgotten - there is a name, Limbo. It won't be a hole. Look how many new friends we have made here, how much we have grown, how much we have learned. Yes, born of sadness, but perhaps just change. Let's use 'chrysalis' instead of 'hole'.

Fatigue can create a thief that runs through our heart and mind stealing that which we have worked so hard to amass...
You have built a fortune of knowledge, emotional intelligence, calm, peace with oneself, and direction.

You're right. Thanks for reminding me of this.

The hurricane moved out entire about three hours ago. The city is amiss with flood debris, but power is coming back on in places.The sky has a beautiful low lying sunlight. My son is here watching some weird sht on youtube, but he likes it (other kids playing with toys, could be weirder - could be teletubbies). The winds have dropped significantly. It feels like some peace - finally not so hot that I can't leave the windows open. Almost like the storm moved as some kind of cathartic leviathan through me.

You have boiled life down into its existential bone. I wonder which way you will go. Or if you will go at all. No judgment here. I have no prescience about what works, or what is good.

One judgment, same as I've told JRuss: you have proven your core, at least to me. You are a good man. Ten times any man you might stop on the street.

ForGump, You may not know what works, but you know what is good. I wonder too, but you will know when it happens. And thank you for that, made me smile.

I spoke with a friend Friday night whom I have confided in since the beginning of all of this. He has not always understood my choices, but he understands when to keep his mouth shut. There is a whole lot of value in that during face to face conversations. He was facing some really horrible stuff himself and in his own M when I began on this journey. His R was more like the stuff MWD put in the DB book. Listening to my story I think helped him. He has gotten his W to begin counseling with him as a proactive measure. I hope they make it.

This is useful for us all so we can continue to march ahead and regain our sense of self.

This makes sense, and well, I guess my thread was not called "the Fight for Self" for nothing.

Ps, for fear of sounding like your mama, please take time to eat! You can't run a car with no fuel.

Nope, I need to hear it. I ate a big pile of Chinese take out last night. Not healthy, but the salty fried yummy hit the spot and matched well with a day of desiring no other achievements beyond putting some eggrolls into my face.

I close with mentioning that my son and I had a healthy dinner. Yesterday, when dropping off my son and spouse from the birthday, she gave me a long hug and a kiss on my cheek, then she told me she loved me. We were standing in some poring rain at this point, s5 was in backseat of her car, cue movie scene. I only said "drive safe" and left it at that, did not return the sentiment. The rain didn't stop for another 28 hours. Cut.

[ForGump]

she gave me a long hug and a kiss on my cheek, then she told me she loved me.

speechless/confused

[Surfer]

CT

Just catching up. Sorry it's been a while.

WTF - kiss, long hug?

Temp check?

Not had a hug for 1.5 years. I think I was allowed to give her one. It was probably 1.5 years prior we hugged last. Kiss? 4 Years. Don't get me wrong, I look like a frog so she's understandably worried about taking the prince test. Ha ha.

Might be worth thinking about that though. What made her do that....

Surfer.

[CT1118]

FG/Surfer -
Nothing makes sense in any of this - you both know that. Enough said:
“Freely we serve
Because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.”
― John Milton

As my renaissance man said above, this is all a choice, those of us who remain do so by free will. Is this what we want? Is this really by choice? I would not freely choose to know my W took all 4's w/ another guy, but I do, I know that happened. The horrible part of honesty is that I broke into her phone last February 2016 and read that - out of my own free choice...to know. Maybe you all did something similar, maybe not. I was a spy then, we all were at some point, I do believe, to get here.

So Surfer, your comment made me want to review my journal. According to it, I called her out for the first time in August for allowing her OM to meet our s4 (at the time s4). I restated boundaries, anger,etc. That same day was the first time in a while I got the "I love you" and a kiss. Since, again according to journal, there was nothing until Sept. 11 when I noted she "hugged me deeply while telling me she loved me. I told her 'I love you back, but it was simply a response and it was awkward'" again, according to journal.

Since then - 4 count of the 'I love you' and two counts of the kisses. Pulse check - totally open to that, step towards, I completely doubt that. More likely her significant confusion and desire to remain in control. What I think anyway. What a mess.

[ForGump]

CT-

I read your post, closed my laptop to go to sleep, but could not.

It's too much. You've gone too far. Sometimes a marriage or a person has had just too much damage done. Being strong is good but strength by itself isn't wisdom. Sometimes we have to know when to end a journey. Or recognize that what we thought was a journey is only keeping us in one place.

You can keep loving your W has a person and a friend. But you deserve happiness. You deserve a healthy partner. We all do.

I think you should file.

[Surfer]

In fairness guys. I keep thinking about makIng moves to file.....as W is just sitting back now.

Was thinking a separation agreement might cater for financial control and custody concerns?

Surfer.

[mulesqb]

Since then - 4 count of the 'I love you' and two counts of the kisses. Pulse check - totally open to that, step towards, I completely doubt that. More likely her significant confusion and desire to remain in control. What I think anyway. What a mess.

CT - One question: What is it that you truly want at this point?

Strength and Honor.

Mules