No you don’t know – otherwise you would not do it.
Think about this for a sec…..
You joined some online group and are securing advice from a bunch of strangers. The strangers tell you NOT to snoop. You do it anyway.
Do you think that maybe YOUR W feels that you said you are/were going to change – yet she feels you will do it again.
Your actions do not match your words Brubeck. And do not think for a moment that YOUR W does not see it. H@ll I do not know you that well and I see it.
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I interrupted her only to point out the faulty math in her child support proposal.
And what was the real purpose of interrupting her? Cause from where I sit I would bet that what you really tried to do was plant some fear in her arse that she is not going to be able to afford the life she has now. Do you really want to try and scare her into staying?
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I had no choice but to take her debit card from her purse last night...Immediately into the paper shredder. I felt bad for going into her purse, but she has no qualms about going into my wallet without my knowledge to take my bus card to use on mornings when she can't find hers.
What you are doing right now is NOT DBing. It is protecting your arse. I understand why. Just remember these action later down the road.
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She just keeps screaming over and over "They were fine!" I scream over and over "Don't leave our kids unattended."
Ummm…how’d that screaming over and over work for ya? Did that approach you take move you closer to YOUR goals?
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She starts again "I really hate you. I hate you, and you don't love me. You don't love me at all. Your idea of this relationship working is to have total control over me. You want me to cower to you over everything." I ask her not to tell me what's in my heart or my head. She says I only want to stay married for the kids and to avoid the headache of a D. I remain calm and point out that a D will be no picnic for her either. She leaves.
Dude – do you ever really employ the STFU approach?
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Before taking S8 to school, I go downstairs to apologize to MIL. I start crying. I tell her I love her daughter and I respect her daughter and I would never hurt her or my children. MIL starts tearing up a little, but avoids eye contact. I reach out with open palms and she receives them to hold hands. She says "You know my English is not so good..." and proceeds to advise me that W and I don't argue in front of the kids. I agree. I tell her as quickly as I can that W is not happy with her marriage, is not happy with the work of motherhood, and is not happy with being 39. She wants everything to be different, and I'm trying to let her do what she wants to do, but I can't have her leaving the kids alone. MIL is struggling for words, but I sense she's already noticed the change in W's behavior this year.
As I read this I wondered…..are you trying to use MIL to help convince your W that a D is bad. If so, that is manipulative. YOUR ACTIONS are the best tool you have….and honestly, you are doing a really chitty job of DBing.
Your emotion get the best of YOU and YOUR W sees it.
Your actions TOWARDS YOUR W in front of YOUR kids is not helping.
YOUR pride (not to be confused with suggesting that you become a doormat) is NOT helping.
DB101 – Do what works.
You are NOT doing what works.
Do you think you have really changed?
Do you think your actions are someone that she would want to come back to?
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I text W an apology when I get to the office.
Maybe if you would learn to STFU you would not need to apologize.
Bru, I am Puerto Rican myself and I get the whole latin culture thing, which IMO, plays a little bit of a role in your sitch.
Your W wants more control and more freedom. You appear to be keeping hold of it in a manner that you are used to. DB is about changing habits.
Case in point – rather than apologize and remind her what she does not want to hear right now (i.e. I still love you)….Maybe you need to come up with a more consistent schedule. For example, maybe a convo with your W that goes like this…….
Hi W, I was thinking that maybe to avoid the disagreement we had the other day, that we should probably come up with a more consistent plan for the kids. I understand that YOU need time for yourself as do I. To that end, I wanted to see if you have any ideas. I have some myself.
Then….you sit back and listen. YOU do not agree to anything you LISTEN. You reflect back (read up on Reflective Listening) to her what she said so she understands that you are really listening to her.
Doing what you are currently doing is NOT helping your cause.
Finally, some of the best advice I received…….
A servant cannot serve two masters.
You either focus on protecting your arse or
You give everything you have to try and db this.
You cannot serve both. That is not to say that you do not afford yourself some protection. I guess said another way…..
Where is YOUR heart really at.
Either way – I will support you so I do not need an answer. The answer is really for YOURSELF.
