Doing a lot of mulling things over, which is uncharacteristic of me now.
I mean, I did, initially obsess trying to work out what was going on and why...oh, probably the first month or so. Maybe even two months. But then I was so incredibly busy and tired with work the third month after, that it really helped cut through that rumination.
Whenever I catch myself now, I stop myself.
Anyway...something I don't understand and would value any thoughts on.
So, the BD on 30 May 2013, my H told me that he couldn't see a future together. I now, retrospectively, understand that he'd started the EA (maybe PA) about 8 months previously. I guess I begged and pleaded at that point..the usual. He stayed. I started on a kind of instinctive period of 'improving myself', made a lot of changes. I now understand that he made none, as he wasn't really committed to 'working' on either our M or himself. So he stood and just half heartedly watched by the sidelines effectively.
Post BD 11 October 2015, when he texts me to say that it's best if we separate (without any discussion at all about what that actually means, in the nitty gritty...him stopping paying the mortgage, him applying for a D etc, etc...nothing on that front has been discussed or resolved) he says that I have made a number of 'startling changes', but that he still hadn't fallen back in love with me.
I was wondering what one earth that was all about?
And very weirdly, I just went to look at the text message he wrote, but he's deleted pretty much everything that he wrote...the entire text message...everything he ever wrote before and after that he wrote to me.
I know I'm answering my own question here, but why am I even bothering to question, feel confused, or get upset about the text messages. They're not really my concern, are they?
You are answering your own question. What purpose is wondering about the messages going to serve?
I think it's normal once in a while to wonder. But I think ultimately you'll never really know.
I know for me when I wonder it just ends up making me feel worse because I don't know for sure what the he!! she was thinking and I probably never will. Especially because I'm not even sure she knows what she's thinking.
You know the answer to your question. You got this.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
Such a struggle at the moment...feel so low. These days seem to be weighing so heavily on me.
I know that it's only myself that can make me feel better. And please believe me, I'm trying so hard. I just feel low, and exhausted and utterly, utterly alone with it all.
I tried so hard to get so far away, so quickly, from it all, hoping that it would make it less painful.
Focus on the positives, focus on the positives...improved health (away from the constant stress of all the lies and manipulation), space (literal and metaphorical for my own healing), friends I never thought I'd make and have, a closeness and support from my family that I never imagined, work and opportunities I never thought that would come my way, a totally new image which is very me in spite of being new, positivity.
I wonder, would it help if you found a ritual for these anniversary days or months?
Writing down your fears and regrets and then burning them?
Getting small tea candles, and lighting one each day and telling yourself that you would mourn for the time it takes the candle to burn out, and then you will eat something sweet and go about your day?
A mantra that you chant when you feel sad?
Loading up a backpack with stones that symbolize bad memories and then throw them one at a time into a river?
I'm not great at rituals, but maybe one of these will spark a better idea.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi Focus, I'm coming upto my one year anniversary too. I think it is inevitable we are going to feel down. I find myself remembering helping her pack her bags. I'm reopening all the wounds on a daily basis at the moment . You are right to look at the positives, you've come a long way and it is all too easy to forget that and beat yourself up. Keep on your path, you have made so much progress. If you have to look back, let it be so you can see how much better you are now then a year ago. You've inspired me to burn some candles and enjoy the evening!
What was I doing? Normal, everyday life. Looking forward to a busy day at work the next day and going to a friend and colleagues wedding reception in the evening.
Totally unaware of the hellhole I was about descend into.
Am I alive? Yes.
Am I out of it? No. A long, long way to go yet.
How do I feel? Today, like a stranger to myself sometimes, and a stranger in this world a lot of the time.
Hopefully that will all pass, as everything passes, always.
So, there was talk for years of H's work taking him to New York. It's somewhere I've always wanted to go. And of course, I imagined being there with him.
Now guess what? He's going. And she is too. Very, very soon.
What the actual?
How is it possible for someone to skip so blithely into my shoes? Shoes I filled for 18 years?
I've rarely felt this angry. I was in work. I was *shaking* with rage. And I felt like I was going to throw up.
I hate the both of them, the lying, cheating scum that they are, for even just making me aware that this place of total hell on earth even exists.
