Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[NYGal]

Oh AND she told me that she thought that if we were to get back together all of the things I'm doing and that changes I'm making would just slowly "trickle away" and things would go back to how they were.

Maybs, the best thing to do is continue to work on yourself and make sure all those changes stick. I find that I slip back into the old NYGal, and I have to stay on top of everything to keep cementing the changes that NYGal 2.0 has become. So it's a process.

BTW, I think the fact that you told W this isn't what you want because you still love her was perfect. Let her think about that when ow shows her true colors and W is wondering wth she did by ending your marriage. Just be the best Maybs you can be and either W will see through the fog, or someone else will. You'll be happy again. And loved and cherished. No doubt.

Hang in there.

[maybs]

Thanks NYGal, I'm trying to stay focused on me.

Threw myself a little pity party yesterday and stayed home from work to lay in bed and wallow. Altered between crying and sleeping and just staring into space trying to understand. I know that's pointless I'll never be able to understand because I don't even think she understands. Some of the things she said clearly indicate to me she has/had doubts but she is obviously not in a place to be able to handle them.

Only got out of bed because FA had me come over for dinner and wine. Hadn't seen her in a while. Had tons of fun catching up on her sitch and getting her caught up on mine and just actually relaxing. It felt weird to laugh to be serious and felt weird to say the ex-wife, but it is what it is. I'm glad FA is around again and we are figuring out how to navigate our friendship with her R. Her H is very controlling and is paranoid that everyone is going to try to convince her to leave him. Even though I'm the one person in her life that doesn't say that he thinks I will. I've been clear on my stance that I don't think he treats her properly but also have been clear that it's her decision to make and as her best friend I stand by her and support her 100% regardless of what decision she makes. I do not bad mouth him or tear him down, I simply listen and make sure that I'm a place she can land when her sitch gets too much since EVERYONE her family included just rips him apart and that [censored].

It just felt good to be with her and laughing and having fun and just feeling normal in all of this chaos.

So yup threw myself a pity party. Got over it. Back up today, at work.

I have told most people in my life that I just need some space and some time to deal with everything that I'm thinking and feeling right now and haven't been in contact with anyone but a select few. I really just need some time and process and deal with my life.

[NYGal]

Good plan, Maybs. I'm thinking of you.

[Cherry]

Maybs, you are doing great all things considered. You are totally entitled to take a bit of the day to have a pity party, you did so well not to wallow and stick in that place. Keep moving forward.

You do so well at not reacting to the tantrums, the things she says are absolute script. My wh too has told me that I seem to be doing well. And the I love you but we are just better apart. This is the things they tell themselves. I also think you did the right thing telling her how you felt. That way, you have no doubts, no regrets, no "gee if I had only said this".

I'm glad you have in laws that have a great r with you, that's really great that despite things, they see that she is acting wildly out of character and that you have done no wrong and continue to see you as family.

But yes, the history rewrite is unbelievable, and hurtful. And Sara, in their culture it is truly frowned upon to marry someone outside of it. I'm just ethnically different from him, I was raised as a Muslim with a Muslim and a catholic parent. And even though I was Muslim, I was still frowned upon by others as I'm Latin and he's Asian. So I know full well, there is no mistake in our m's being a mistake or them not living us. They have to be pretty tough to stand in front of family and communities and say, this is the woman I will marry.

[PsySara]

Maybs,
Remember that you are human with all the ups and downs that come with it. I should have taken some days to lie in bed and wallow. I stressed my body so much shortly after DDay #1 that I landed in the CCU twice with heart issues. I kept felling like I had to push through and be stronger, I should have been more compassionate to my (pregnant) body. So allot yourself a day a month to do whatever the heck you want and apologize to no one.

[maybs]

Thanks everyone, I feel like I've been doing relatively well under the circumstances. But I feel so much pain sometimes that I feel like I physically hurt.

I was just sitting here at work thinking about something super mundane, an item at home, and that somehow started this like chain reaction. Thinking about that thing led to "that was ours" and I'll never be able to look at that again without thinking of her. Then I miss her. Then I'm divorce, she's not even my wife anymore. Then I just kept thinking, I'm divorced, I'm divorced. Over and over again.

And I just felt so alone. I guess I feel so alone, it's not past tense.

[hawker]

Thinking about you Maybs!!!!! Hang in there!!

[MoveFrwd]

I guess I feel so alone

When I feel hungry, I eat.

When I feel cold, I put on a sweatshirt.

When I feel tired, I take a nap

My point isn't that shouldn't feel what you do. It's certainly natural to feel loneliness. My point is that you can control how you feel by your actions. What will you do to change your feelings of loneliness?

[maybs]

It's not like I've just been sitting in my house alone and not speaking to anyone. But even out and about and GAL there's still a piece that feels incomplete.

I know that my day-to-day life hasn't actually changed much. In fact in day-to-day I'm quite content with myself and my life. I enjoy my job tremendously and have been getting great reviews from managers which is quickly leading to added responsibilities which is fantastic.

I enjoy my friends very much and my GAL activities. I've been keeping up on my fitness routine and all that jazz and have continued to see my IC for general peace of mind and well-being to sort myself out and continue on with the changes I want to make.

Overall, I am good.

The problem comes if I think of anything that is more than a few weeks in the future. Things like thinking about kids and holidays and trips. Hopes and dreams WE had for OUR future were also things that I had for MY future and now the future seems so uncertain. And I know the future isn't worth worrying about, all worrying does is ruin today. But it's like I had all these things and dreams that I wanted and I wanted them with her and now she's gone. I know that doesn't mean all my dreams are gone but they've definitely changed and adjusting to that change is rather difficult some days.

In other news she never gave me her keys to the house as she said she would so after work today I'm going to be going to buy new locks and changing out the locks again. (I just did this when we moved in in January). She has not contacted me, not even to get her things that she got in mediation. I have no intentions of contacting her but I also don't feel comfortable with her continuing to have access to my home.

[maybs]

I'm here. I'm still struggling. I mean I'm doing all those GAL activities and have been trying to not focus on her or think about her. Haven't spoken to her since the day she came to have me sign the papers.

Got the official notice from the court in the mail a couple days ago.

Honestly I've been trying to not focus on anything related to our M or R or anything. I've let myself get wrapped up in Friend A's problems as much as possible, because at least then I'm not thinking about my own problems. It's been helpful having her around she's a good distraction and she's always there for me.

Other than that. Mostly have been keeping to myself. Sometimes I feel like it still hasn't hit me that we really are D'd. Since nothing in my day-to-day has really changed it's hard for me to not just feel "separated".

I'm trying to deal