Letting my weight down...

[sage]

From Betsey's post on slowly's thread (hope she doesn't mind me reposting!)

I'm sorry for having taken that path, but I am not sorry for standing up for myself and sharing that I want these things from a man. Preferably from my H, but if he doesn't want the job, someone else will. Eventually.

Does this help? I was motivated to have the discussion with him when I was ready to confront my own demons and how I got where I did. Not a minute before then.

My suggestion for those of you who are on the other end of this coin is to show love for yourselves and empathy toward the straying spouse. What were you withholding that made them feel a void? Maybe nothing. Maybe your spouses are defective people who love the thrill of the chase? Or who were depressed and not likely to get sympathy at home? We're all different, so there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this problem.

But I believe that the majority of people really don't want to be unfaithful. They want their spouses to give them what they want and need. If this were easy enough, the spouses would realize that and avoid this trap. But it looks like many of us have fallen into it. I'm no different than anyone else.

I'm reposting the above because it really speaks to me...and it reminds me of the cycle that I've gotten myself into that just flies in the face of the successful DB'ing I've done..

What cycle?

You know the one...where I convince myself that I don't know how to be a good wife, then I get sidetracked and get mad because I think h hasn't talked enough about what led to the A, and then I start feeling demoralized and then I start stressing out (oh, wait, maybe I already WAS stressing out?) and then I start putting too much pressure on me, on him, and then things feel awkward and then I wonder why h doesn't tell me stuff and then I start beating me up and probably him too and...

So, what's the key?

The key is I feel like I don't know HOW to be a good wife and my anger at not rehashing the A is really about anger at not getting a laundry list from him of what he NEEDS.

But that's crap, no, because I know (at least in part) what he NEEDS...because he HAS said it, and because I've gleaned it and because when I really listen he's actually pretty clear (even though the conversation hasn't ever started "I had an A because you didn't do XYZ...").

He said "you were so angry all the time". He said "I thought our m. was already over."

I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).

Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.


Sage