Quote: how I'm always looking for a new "solution" in a book or something.
OMG! Guess who has practically every parenting book ever written?
Quote: Maybe the one who's resisting ME being ME is ME?
Why do think that it? Is it fear of H having a problem with this again? Perhaps (as you've suggested), HE no longer has a problem with this part of you, perhaps HE has come to see the value and appreciates this side of you.....
Quote: but there's NO reason to not start LIVING with acceptance of yourself today, right?
hmmmm....I wonder who it was that posted this on my thread just this morning......
Quote: Maybe the one who's resisting ME being ME is ME?
Why do think that it? Is it fear of H having a problem with this again? Perhaps (as you've suggested), HE no longer has a problem with this part of you, perhaps HE has come to see the value and appreciates this side of you.....
I think there's an element of fear -- big time -- that if I relax my grip on the "changes" or the "self-monitoring" that I will lapse into pre-bomb sage mode.
In my head, though, I know that that fear is silly for a number of reasons. First off, I have made changes that are lasting so I'll never go back to "then". Secondly, it's really not all about my m...I've never felt like I could just be me and let the chips fall where they may.
In an absurd coincidence...here is my cainercast for today:
You may think you're in a no-win situation with respect to family or marital responsibilities. Or the rules of your household may clash with the rules you live by among friends. Meantime, a story on the work front is telling you the extent to which you've sacrificed your freedom to get a job done. These situations all represent your attempt to meet the world on its terms rather than insisting that it meet you on yours. Experiment with the power of being resolutely who you are. People who want to deal with you can adapt, and they will.
it's not fair of me to blame h or anyone else actually for not "accepting" me because the simplest truth is that I've been unable or unwilling for a long time to sit in my skin and just be me. The ultimate fear is that if I am just me, warts and all so to speak, that the entire population will just shrink back in horror. So I try to twist and turn myself to fit some mold I think I need to fit.
The hardest part is that my lack of self-acceptance just screams out "I'm not HAPPY" and "why can't we ALL be better?" and sends this mist of perfectionism over not just the way I view ME but the way folks just generally feel in my presence I think.
IOW, my inability to accept ME seems to shout the message that I find everyone unacceptable.
UGH.
I started with the KLA thread and posted some stuff I would like to improve but it really feels as though the best use of my "time" right now would be to focus on appreciating the wonder of my m and my h and figuring out how to find the wonder of me.
Quote:
Quote: but there's NO reason to not start LIVING with acceptance of yourself today, right?
hmmmm....I wonder who it was that posted this on my thread just this morning......
From Betsey's post on slowly's thread (hope she doesn't mind me reposting!)
Quote: I'm sorry for having taken that path, but I am not sorry for standing up for myself and sharing that I want these things from a man. Preferably from my H, but if he doesn't want the job, someone else will. Eventually.
Does this help? I was motivated to have the discussion with him when I was ready to confront my own demons and how I got where I did. Not a minute before then.
My suggestion for those of you who are on the other end of this coin is to show love for yourselves and empathy toward the straying spouse. What were you withholding that made them feel a void? Maybe nothing. Maybe your spouses are defective people who love the thrill of the chase? Or who were depressed and not likely to get sympathy at home? We're all different, so there isn't a cookie cutter approach to this problem.
But I believe that the majority of people really don't want to be unfaithful. They want their spouses to give them what they want and need. If this were easy enough, the spouses would realize that and avoid this trap. But it looks like many of us have fallen into it. I'm no different than anyone else.
I'm reposting the above because it really speaks to me...and it reminds me of the cycle that I've gotten myself into that just flies in the face of the successful DB'ing I've done..
What cycle?
You know the one...where I convince myself that I don't know how to be a good wife, then I get sidetracked and get mad because I think h hasn't talked enough about what led to the A, and then I start feeling demoralized and then I start stressing out (oh, wait, maybe I already WAS stressing out?) and then I start putting too much pressure on me, on him, and then things feel awkward and then I wonder why h doesn't tell me stuff and then I start beating me up and probably him too and...
So, what's the key?
The key is I feel like I don't know HOW to be a good wife and my anger at not rehashing the A is really about anger at not getting a laundry list from him of what he NEEDS.
But that's crap, no, because I know (at least in part) what he NEEDS...because he HAS said it, and because I've gleaned it and because when I really listen he's actually pretty clear (even though the conversation hasn't ever started "I had an A because you didn't do XYZ...").
He said "you were so angry all the time". He said "I thought our m. was already over."
I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.
Sage
Thank U Sage - this is succinct, direct and helps us all to remember it!
I don't mind at all! If whatever I wrote helps you heal, feel free to pilfer to your heart's content.
I just have to underline the most important part of your post--if for no other reason than a real reminder:
Quote: But that's crap, no, because I know (at least in part) what he NEEDS...because he HAS said it, and because I've gleaned it and because when I really listen he's actually pretty clear (even though the conversation hasn't ever started "I had an A because you didn't do XYZ...").
He said "you were so angry all the time". He said "I thought our m. was already over."
I know so many of the things that work (relaxing, spending time together, listening more, etc) and so many of the things that don't (constantly looking for the next issue to solve, too much churning, acting like a time bomb, etc).
Relax. Appreciate. Observe. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Let yourself be loved. Open. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful. Share. Smile.
Your last paragraph says it all. And I think this is the answer to all your questions, Sage.
A big hug to you for being so doggone wise and helpful.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
A few weeks ago I finished a book called "Addicted to Unhappiness" by Pieper. I kept meaning to post notes but kept putting it off!
Basic (overly simplified, may be BS) premise is this: As an adult, you'll do what it takes to re-create interactions that remind you of your childhood -- not only the good ones but the bad ones too.
Not trying to be anti-DB here by delving into childhoods
************ * An adult who experiences anger of disapproval from annother can evaluate the reasonableness of the other's behavior. But when children are punished or faced with disapproval for not living up to expectations that are too high, even though they may feel angry, underneath they always believe that whatever their parents do is right. As a result they conclude that whatever unhappiness they feel is what their parents intend and that they themselves will be happiest if they become just like their parents and treat themselves and others exactly as their parents treated them.
* If you are a person who turns on yourself or others when things go wrong, the first step in changing this painful behavior is to understand that unknowingly you are trying to comfort yourself by feeling the way you thought your parents wanted you to feel... when you respond to losses by turning on yourself or others, at some level you feel loved and valued.
* Experiences of genuine happiness may arouse unrecognized needs for unhappiness. You may subtly undermine positive efforts you are making toward goals...when you achieve a goal you have long sought you may experience unaccountable periods of depression, self-criticism and anxiety that you don't realize are reactions to your success.
*If your parents misunderstood your needs or for some reason were unable to attend to them, out of love for your parents and in an attempt to care for yourself exactly as they cared for you, you unknowingly developed the desire to make yourself happy by causing yourself the familiar discomfort you regularly experienced with your parents.
* Accept the fact that there is a way in which feeling badly also makes you feel comfortable or comforted. there are a wide range of painful emotions that can feel familiar and therefore soothing (depression, anxiety, fear, lack of purpose, helplessness, anger, suspicion, loneliness, self-criticism)
* Identify when you are most likely to seek out painful emotions. Once you know under what circumstances you are likely to slip into a painful mood, you may find that anticipating it will enable you to head it off.
*...she realized that after a day that had gone well she would dwell on aspects of her life that weren't perfect and would feel dissatisfied and irritable. At the same time she also noticed that when her day went badly she usually felt on an even keel.
* when people make a good friend or fall in love with a delightful person, their addiction to unhappiness can often spoil the pleasure to be had in the relationship by causing them to overlook the other's strengths and overemphasize the other's weaknesses.
* Once you have determined that the relationship is worth preserving, you need to close the door on the thought that if the going gets tough you can always walk away. Knowing that you are in the relationship for the long haul will make the conflict that is so gratifying to the addiction to unhappiness seem even less appealing and will push you to work toward solutions that are much more constructive than the false comfort you feel when you think about leaving.
* The "comfort" you feel when you think about walking out is really unhappiness in disguise. Ending the relationship would cause the real unhappiness of knowingyou have lost an important relationship that added quality to your life. In contrast to the false pleasure that comes from thinking about leaving a good relationship every time conflict arises, you will experience genuine pleasure from knowing that your commitment to your relationship is rock solid even at times when things aren't going particularly well.
* learn to thwart the demands of your own addiction to unhappiness. Learn how to avoid stirring up conflict, recognize that some areas are just differences of opinion and stop blaming unrelated emotional pain on the relationship.
* People unknowlingly seek to recreate painful emotions because early in childhood they confused these emotions with happiness
* Holding a relationship responsible for always making you happy will destroy it.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Holy heck! This looks like another book for the "Betsey must read" pile.
Is delving into childhood anti DB? I'm not so sure about that, Sage. The fact is that most of us (if not all) bring baggage into our marriages that originated in childhood. We just seem to need a concrete reason to get rid of it--because most of it is based on incorrect perceptions and distorted memories.
I know that a significant part of my own growth on this road has quite a bit to do with confronting the demons of my past. Surely I'm not alone in my own canoe?
This is really heady stuff... thanks (as always) for giving me more to think about. I think you'd make a great teacher...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
