Taking the first step...

[Coly23]

Gosh thanks Job and Ciluzen. Reading your posts has given me much comfort and thank you for confirming that my questions are valid Job and for giving me an idea of what might be going on with the WAS. I think because H made the decision to walk away I am having trouble imagining him missing me or even thinking about me but as you say we have known each other for a long time and unless he has had his memory wiped I must invade his thoughts like he does mine!

As you can tell my mind is working overtime at the moment and I hope no one minds me posting here when I start to get anxious. I don't want to start sounding like a broken record and scare everyone off! H did reach out to D again today and I wonder if he is able to satisfy his need to make contact by reaching out to her all the time instead of me? That's one thing that worries me although she still hasn't responded to him.

I am proud that I managed not text him today and I will definitely take up the suggestion of the elastic band around my wrist! I remember that from a police series on TV where a police detective suffered from OCD and used it to control his anxiety. I didn't think to use it for this situation!

Unfortunately I'm not very good at relaxing or meditation. I can't even relax when having a massage! Although the only massage I have ever had in my life at one point the therapist actually had to tell me to stop talking and relax, it was very embarrassing!! Today I have been out in the garden slamming a fork into the dirt to get all that frustration out, I realise I need to do that more and I'm proud of what I have achieved without H! Me liking gardening was one of the lame excuses he used as to why he was leaving me because he doesn't like it therefore he didn't think we had a lot in common! It's taken me a while to face it again but I am slowly falling in love with it once more.

Ciluzen - your right I think I am going crazy with all these thoughts because I am doubting I know who my H is anymore and what he is capable of. He is definitely not the man I married. Also that was very mean of your H to point out to you about NC upsetting him and then backtracking! As we say the UK, they really are away with the fairies aren't they!

I know this time of darkness is an opportunity to work on me but I just worry that H might feel too much time has passed for him to contact me again. I know I should trust the process and I am trying to promise! I think it's just the weekends that are tough. I've got to try and find something to fill them up especially with the nights drawing in....

Thank you guys!! :0)