Focus on Me and the Boys 9

[J5K]

Jim, I have followed your story for a long time. Would you mind reposting the reasons you had for staying in MI and keeping the boys there? I wonder if you have forgotten them. I don't remember them all.

Painter,

The reason I stayed in Michigan was because my family and friends are there. Cost of living is less expensive there. Future opportunity for promotions for the company I work for.

STBX states the following: Quality of life is better in Toronto, education system is more consistent and better in Ontario than in the US.

Last night when we argued on the phone she basically reiterated those feelings again.

DB coach asked me to list things objectively on the differences between living in Michigan and Toronto. I have to say that I agree with STBX after I did research on the education system and quality of life. Canada is rated #2 for quality of life. It includes health, happiness of people, and many other categories that define quality of life.

If I eliminate the R between STBX and I, then I really cannot disagree with her.

Last night she still kept saying I work in Canada and I had to remind her that I did not any longer. Then she said well you are working in Toronto this weekend. She knows that I can still transfer here and is upset that I am not. I am sure she feels like I am doing this out of spite to punish her.

I agree with Rose, you didn't have to let your ex adopt 5 boys if you had concerns. That's a HUGE decision that you should have been in full agreement about. Blaming her (and yes, you do that a lot, even for things she does not have the power to decide) is not right.

I did push back quite a bit, we had many arguments over this and yet she kept moving forward with the adoption. Not blaming her, these boys are both our responsibility and we need to own up to taking care of them regardless if we are together or not.

It's also incredible to read that your reply to the psychologist's concern is that you do not have control over Ex. You were just given control over most of their time, but you want to give it away?

Before you declare to everyone that you're changing your plans, please discuss this in depth with a counselor for yourself. You have said before that you tend to make decisions based on emotions, and you just can't afford to do that.

I am slowing down. Not going to make any moves in the short term. I will give it additional time.

I think the travel may not be as bad as you think. Are you sure you're not looking for an excuse to go live near Ex? To keep in close touch daily? She could make your life hell. She has already showed what she is capable of. Did you forget she threatened you? That she bullies you in order to get her way?

You need to let the feelings you have for her stabilize with the new reality before you make this huge move.

I am not looking to live near her to get back together with her. I cannot change an angry, miserable person who is selfish. Her perception is that Toronto is a better place to live for the boys. She feels I am keeping them in Michigan to punish her. She knows I can get a transfer to live here. Her arguments now are strictly for the boys. I get her perspective and am not opposed to it, maybe because I am too nice and easy going. As many have stated, give it a little time and let's see how this works out for the next few months before making any decisions.

I can tell you it is nice to be in a city with lots of people.

I can also tell you that STBX does not have a plan regardless of custody arrangement. She has no idea how she will sustain living in the house her parents are buying. Without the support of her parents, she would be truly lost.

STBX does not know if she will be exercising her every other weekend parenting time in Michigan. She would have to pay for hotel and 3 meals a day. She also does not know how she will raise the boys in the summer. She did not say that she is going to look for a job, but she sounded confused on the phone as she had no plan.

I bought the LRT videos from MWD and have viewed them. Going to post my thoughts later about what I learned and understood from them.

Lastly,

Last night I had a dream about STBX. I offered her to be in an open marriage and she accepted the offer so that we would both be able to live with the boys and raise them. WTF!