was or what 8

[roist]

I'll finish my reply to Rose.

No we have not gone out on a date like that in .....well a long long time. Earlier on I made initiatives by organising some. I will organise one shortly for our 10th anniversary so we will see if things go better. I don't think she is ready yet so I will just take it as it comes and make mental notes! It was a few days after our 8th anniversary that I decided I wanted to do everything I could to save my M. So I can celebrate that too I may not have saved it but I haven't lost it ( or who knows.... )

I guess I would prefer her to either check fully out or check back in. Obviously I prefer the latter, but both beat this partial BS. Maybe it is a good achievement that I have stopped things getting worse and held it together this long. No maybe. It is. But this is not how I want to live and eventually will not. But for now I have work to finish on me and other distractions.

I am not happy with my life and am slowly working towards reliving again . I am holding myself back on that a little but I recognize this and know I can live much more even within this situation. I am taking steps towards that..I will get there.

My struggle has not being really about giving up but moreso not wanting to continue to live this way. There is a difference.

I want to be able to stand long enough that my W can decide in her own time to leave or not. But there are times I feel it is not right that she gets to choose after all this time but in reality she can choose because I made a choice. So I amino victimhere.

If I read these positive points in any other thread I would say it is sure she is not fully gone and the chances are better than average at reviving our connection.But being my situation and living the downside I have a harder time believing that.

But for now we are both still here.

I have often written about my struggle throughout my threads. I acknowledge and appreciate the better points. I embrace gratitude strongly even if I do not journal it here always. When I moved to mlc section it was to seek out guidance from long timers and to help them help me I am making the time to outline my situation as fully as possible.

I look forward to your observations/comments or questions. Thank you for getting me to share this.