WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[BluWave]

So, I've turned a bit of a corner in the last week. A series of events, some wisdom from lovely people, and reading here, have brought me to a realization. I was better at DB than I have previously given myself credit for. It's easier to focus on the wrong, and what could have been better, especially for a perfectionist like myself. So I was inspired by a person dear to me to post what I did do that was right. Some of these things I did all along, some took me time to master, but by the time I let go of him, I had few backslides.

I kept strong boundaries with WH and told him clearly what I would put up with and what I wouldn't. I did not let him close to me--physically or emotionally--until he cut off contact with OW, offered transparency, and was committed to the M 100%. I demanded the respect I deserved.

I was honest with him, and while at times this showed my vulnerability, he also knew where I stood and what my position was. I beat myself up the times I let him see my emotions, because it was not in DB form, but I can see now that it also helped him see me for who I was. Even though I didn't trust him, he knew he could trust me and that I meant what I said. Even in his fog, he trusted my words.

I protected my children from his behavior and his R with OW. Everyone told me that I couldn't control him and what he did, but my instincts told me to never stop trying. I was clear with him that I would never be okay with him bringing the kids around her and that it would be damaging to them. He didn't. And even though she tried, he knew I was right and he didn't.

While my GAL and 180s were a frequent struggle, I never gave up trying. I still exercised, did nice things for myself, and went to IC every week. I invested a lot of time in my Rs with other people, family, friends, and I still was able to create good memories in an otherwise dark time.

I started to plan my life without him, consulted Ls, and told him that I would be fine without him. I realized eventfully that this was true. I also realized that I didn't want a person that could give up on me and our family and that if he wasn't wiling to work for it, he wasn't good enough anyhow. It took me a long time to accept this but I did.

I blew it all the time--several nasty texts, lashing out, and even cried and begged in the early months. Overtime I stopped altogether. Most importantly I still woke us the next morning, went to work, took care of my kids, and kept on going. I can see now that those backslides did not prevent him from coming back, but showed him that I was still human and also reminded him that he was in fact hurting me. I didn't pretend I was fine when I wasn't, but I was human and imperfect.

I have been really hard on myself because I made a lot of mistakes. When reading here now I can see that we are all human and we ALL make mistakes. Beating ourselves up does not move us forward. We teach others how to treat us. I am so much stronger now than I ever was before any of this happened. Another silver lining and there will be more to come. I believe it, therefore I know it to be true. We create our own destiny.

So I no longer regret all my mistakes because they got me where I am today. My future will be bright no matter who is in it. Yours will be too if you decide you want that.

Blu