New LBH with WAW/possibly WW, need help.

[Coconut]

Nutts,

Do not move out, if your WW brings it up again, tell her if she needs space she can go..

Don't do anything else for now, I think what you did is something you needed to do for you, and now you need to let the chips fall where they may. Your WW is threatening you because you messed up her perfect fantasy plans, she can no longer have you and OM without friction, and she doesn't like it.

Any important thing that she asks you now, just tell her that you need to think about that and get back to her, then take time to ask and really decide. Don't rush any decisions, your spinning, she's spinning, good decisions are hard to come by when your like that.

[lt0402]

Yep, coconut is spot on, do not move out under any circumstance. She will try her hardest to convince you it's the right thing to do, but it is not. You aren't the catalyst for this sh:tshow, she is. If she needs to move out then that's her choice.

Stay in the MBR, stay in your house. Be strong and follow all the advice in coconuts note above and it'll be easier to get through this. Unsure where I got this quote, but it's very relevant to you right now:

"Time is your friend, impulse is your enemy"

Take your time, be thoughtful in your responses, and be deliberate in your actions. Take back the control.

[nutts]

She wasn't asking me to move out, she just didn't want me in the house last night, and wanted me to stay at my parents for the night.

I did get up and took an hour long walk around the park near us, and she took or S to a friend's house to play. she'll be back afterwards tho.

I'll follow the advice given, it sounds good. I guess you guys don't advise I compliment her, or go out of my way to try aND woo back? at what point would all the happen?

Coconut, u advise I try and get to a place where she thinks I'm ok with her leaving. damn, that's a hard one.

fyi, she saw my phone messages between me and OMs W, and included in it was me mentioning I'm trying to save my marriage and I still love my wife. Is that a setback, or will it go over ok?

thanks.

[hawker]

Do not compliment her or try and woo her back...it turns her off...re read pursuit and distance and sandi's rules.....

[sandi2]

Have you read any of the links that were provided in Cadet's post? Interestingly enough, there is one entitled, Newcomer LBH with a WW. I would think, based on the title of your thread.......that would have caught your eye enough to at least check it out. There are several threads on the subject of a WW's mindset. This is the first one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

I know you said you ordered the books. Have you tried to apply the 37 rules? I didn't see anything to indicate you had, but maybe I missed it. You have plunged into something, and now, you are in a tailspin. You go from exposing one day to hugging her the next...........and asking when you get to compliment and seduce your cheating spouse! Man, you need to find your head before you open your mouth again.

This is what happens with a newcomer H who doesn't get the basic information before he jumps in and starts doing something. And that's exactly what you said, "I've got to do something"! Your emotions are screaming and telling you to do something.......no matter what it is. As soon as you see her reactions were not what you were hoping, you want to plunge into something else.

So now, will you calm down and focus on what you need to be learning before blindly jumping into something else?

[nutts]

Thank you Sandi for setting me straight. I just re-read the 37 rules, and I'll go over the threads soon too.

I have to accept this is a long process, and I need patience. I think I'm fully learning this now.

Update:

I got another message from OM's W, the OM and my W tried to deny any sex went on, but finally the OM admitted it to his W. OM's W is obviously upset, and told me she plans on coming to our state and confronting my W (OM's W works for an airline, and we're near a major hub).

Should I dissuade that, or should I urge it on? Maybe it will make my W truly stop the A, but I would hope the OM would stop it anyway.

Thanks.

[Coconut]

Before you reached out to OM W Altair posted to you that when she outed A she essentially invited two other people into her R. What did you consider when you read that? Look, people giving you feedback have been there, and are basically giving you the script of what is to come, you need to really consider what you are being told when you read it.

I will tell you I don't have experience with this, I have never been contacted by OM W, but my thought is srop contact with her. Everyone needs to go on their journey, don't think you can control what their journey is. If it was me, next time OM W contacted me, I would politely say that I thought it best you knew what was going on, but I need to work on my self and I do not want to continue contact. She will do what she will do, not your monkeys, not your circus. I would not try and tell OM W if she should or should not confront your WW.

Also, why is your WW reading your messages? You need to stop giving your WW the idea your ok with her having an A, you need to stop being ok with it. Take your focus off wanting to save M, put focus on wanting to better yourself, you need to work on yourself... Step back from the craziness and really focus on you, get your boat stable.

[TxHubby]

Thank you Sandi for setting me straight. I just re-read the 37 rules, and I'll go over the threads soon too.

I have to accept this is a long process, and I need patience. I think I'm fully learning this now.

Update:

I got another message from OM's W, the OM and my W tried to deny any sex went on, but finally the OM admitted it to his W. OM's W is obviously upset, and told me she plans on coming to our state and confronting my W (OM's W works for an airline, and we're near a major hub).

Should I dissuade that, or should I urge it on? Maybe it will make my W truly stop the A, but I would hope the OM would stop it anyway.

Thanks.

Don't dissuade anything. Your wife is an adult who is responsible for her actions. She poached another woman's husband. Let her answer for that, not you. I admire the OM's W. She's not being passive about this at all. That's a good thing.

[nutts]

Don't dissuade anything. Your wife is an adult who is responsible for her actions. She poached another woman's husband. Let her answer for that, not you. I admire the OM's W. She's not being passive about this at all. That's a good thing.

I decided to not to dissuade, my wife deserves to be confronted by OM's W.

I'm still hurting all the time, but I think progressing in detaching. I hurt for myself when I imagine my wife gone from me, but my biggest pains come when I think about my son, and what a D would possibly do to him, and even what this Separation may do to him; he's truly the one getting the shaft with all this.

Thanks.

[Surfer]

Nutts

Okay, not ideal, but with enough love and attention your S will be fine. Just don't argue in front of him and spend lots of daddy time with him. Sideline your feelings about this but as your W will happily spend time with OM rather than her own S, let her. That way you can do fun things and protect him.

To win in this keep detaching. If she is happy, so what, sad so what, kind, so what.....don't be fooled into thinking you are making her feel anything or causing anything in her. She is making her own foolish choices just stay clear and focus on your S.

You are doing great. Keep up the fitness etc. Keep a level head.

Keep going chap!

Surfer.