Cherry. Filed, moving, spinning..

[Coly23]

Yes Cherry! Start making that house your own home filled with lots of love, warmth and laughter.

When I feel sad I imagine my H in his lonely, sparsley furnished one bedroom flat and think I am so lucky that I still have my house and my D who brings me so much joy (sometimes anxiety too!) and that I would never give this up for anything. She has just got home from a party and the house is filled with teenagers laughing and talking, lying around in every available space trying to sleep! That's what life is about!!!

[T384]

Cherry,

He hasn't contributed financially in months? Like not a dime in rent or anything? I hope this is not the case BUT if it is if he doesn't move out by the date he said he needs to go.

Also no single text or exchange will make or break your course here. The WAS is a strange creature and I can't tell you for a fact he KNOWS he has you on the hook still. I can tell just by reading your posts. I know it's hard but you've got to change something or else your going to be in this same position in a few months with a newborn and raging hormones. It's not safe for you!

[JksD]

Cherry, I think you have the right to call him out on his bad behaviour. I find this disrespectful. Especially since he is still living in the house. Has he always been so blatant? This makes me angry.

I think you can do this civilly and calmly. This is where you put down firm boundaries.

Tell him no sappy love songs and no texting the ow in your family's sight. You are still M and he is still living in the marital house with his family.

If you're comfortable, I would tell him that you know about him and skank.

He seems to be pretending that nothing is happening because you haven't called out on his behaviour and given specific names.

This is my take. If he doesn't flaunt the A in your face, I would wait for him to move out. If he does, I would ask him about his plans to move out. If he is too blatant (talking to ow, leaving signs around), I would ask him to move out.

It really depends on your comfort level and what you're prepared to live with. And you must not second guess yourself once you've made the decision.

Wrt to the living expenses, do you have a temporary maintenance order over there? Even if you're not D yet?

[Cherry]

Coly, you are absolutely right. When there is children in the home, they bring so much joy and make the place feel warmer!

T, he didn't last month. And then this month the bills have just gone out and I've paid them. He was complaining to his mom about money, and saying all his is just going, she pointed out to him that this is a choice he has made for himself. But I agree, if by the move out day, he doesn't go. Then he needs to. He's quite happily saying about moving, because he feels trapped and suffocated here. I don't know how, he's barely here and I barely come in contact with him. But that's his own issue. I know what you mean by him thinking he still has me on his hook. And I agree, maybe to an extent he still does. I do feel like when he is properly gone, reality will hit me too, and that won't be the case. I'm working on backing right off. My physical conversations to him yesterday I was more detached and distant. He hasn't responded to my message, but I'm pretty sure when I see him, his rage will no doubt come out.

Grl, he was continuously texting in front of me earlier in and that's when I said to him not to do that in front of me. And he hasn't so much. Of course he denied it, it's just his mates, yes I talk to girls but they are friends. Bla bla.

I've given him her name before and told him I know. Again, he denied it and said she's a friend. Mil has also thrown out her name, and again he has just spewed that she's a friend, I can have female friends.

There's no Maintainance order yet, my L just said when he moves he needs to begin to pay child support and that's all.

I do feel at the end of my rope with him. I know he is going to approach this conversation with me at some point. And I have no doubt he will go into anger mode. I'm not looking forward to this being approached as I know I have a lot of anger in myself right now. And I'm torn by thinking this was a mistake and that I will have made things worse, to feeling like oh well. What the hell does this matter, he's still gone anyway. I know I need to try and remain calm in this, but idk if I can do that. I wanted to make it clear to him that I'm not an idiot. He will no doubt furiously deny this, and flip the situation and blame me and a lack of trust, I've been there before. I guess I need to put on my spew jacket and prepare.

[Surfer]

Cherry

Hate brings hate. Kindness brings kindness and love brings love. Align your actions with your goals for your relationship.

If you find it difficult to act in line with your goals due to fear and anxiety detach or be absent.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Of course you need to be mindful that being nice my not have a WS running back to you but it's probably not going to help your R by going weapons hot IMO.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

You can use anger in your favor. When you two have this conversation stay cool, in control, focused. The goal in this case is to get a support plan in place, nothing else. No emotional relationship talks. If he tries to spew just STFU and when he is done then return to the topic of child support and his financial obligations. If he continues to spew then tell him you will return to this conversation when a constructive solution can be reached but for now you are walking away.

[Cherry]

Surfer and Sara thanks for this. He chose to ignore me instead. Though he did come in to my room a couple times while I was busy trying to do a few things, and I was trying to get S to behave. He offered to take S. He ate when we ate, but chose to sit as far as possible from me and sit in silence. Didn't rise to it, didn't acknowledge it. The sooner I hit the genuine I don't care the better!

Been a mad busy day yet again, but me and S have had some fun. I'm hoping the busy day may mean that I sleep a bit better tonight!

[Phoebe]

Just stopping by to say hello and tell you how much I admire your fortitude through all of this.

I need to take some lessons

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Been reading up on detaching again. Saw something about their moods etc, your H and my W are very changeable at the moment. I read and interpreted some instruction to "assume they have had xyz happen to them" (could even make it up) just so it's not you that's caused them to be mopey or difficult. It helps you to not blame you and therefore not mirror or react to them. Perhaps you do this quite well already?

Glad you have had fun and I hope you sleep well.

Surfer.