Everything coconut said. All the focus is on you now. Don't get wrapped up in the drama. If you feel like emotions are going to take over your responses take a deep breath and calmly respond.
This definitely [censored] and a lot of us have been where you are at some point in time. You want your W back but the hurt is so deep and painful. I absolutely know how you feel and am sorry you're there right now Nutts.
If you're drinking right now, I'd say don't get into a conversation with your wife when you get back. The booze will take your guard down. Just tell her you want to go to bed and it can be discussed tomorrow.
Hang in there brother
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I'll share a viewpoint. Something to consider. My XBF way back when had an A with a married friend. I was mad! I told her H. A few unexpected things happened: #1 He hit on me, for revenge (now, that probably is irrelevant but #2 is not) #2: I sucked 2 people into my R that I realized I didn't want there. They ended up in my drama of an R and I couldn't stand either of them-- so my point is that if you tell her H, you will have people in your life you might not want in your life. It might be best to just GAL and avoid that whole shennanigan.
I can see why you are conflicted about what to do, I get it!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I am not by any means a DB pro but, have definitely read a ton here and elsewhere. The A (in my WAW's situation too) is a symptom and not the main problem. Trust me, it hurts like hell knowing about it and seeing all that I see but, if OM was gone it wouldn't fix anything. Actually it may make it worse as her depression and such could escalate and push her to run and file.
She knows I know. Everyone knows. She says they are just friends. Nobody is stuoid but, be cautious of doing things that you know will trigger reactions or actions that aren't going to help your goals. Your goal shouldn't be to destroy OM or his marriage. He's just a tool. A weapon. Take it away and there will be another one as again, the A is a symptom.
Remember, it's not that you can't ever discuss the A. Just now isn't the time. I still catch myself saying stuff that made me feel good for 3 seconds but set me back weeks....it's not worth it.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
Going forward, I'll definitely try and work on me. The W moved her stuff to the guest bedroom and will be sleeping there. She asked me this morning, "How long are we going to do this?" (meaning living together but separated) I didn't know, and she didn't know. I want to try and slow things down for her (the D process at least) so I'm just going to stall while I can.
I also had a conversation with OM's W over messenger; basically she's upset, but she wants to catch him in the act. She's not sure she can sneak and get into his phone to check the FB messenger (which is what I suggested to find her proof). I don't know when or if she will confront him. I confirmed to her they had sex at the beach. We'll see if she confronts him, and I hope she does because I need OM out of my W's life.
I did go out with a friend (whom I learned also had a WW and was dealing with this crap) but his has been going on for a while. The big difference, his W doesn't want to break up their family, my W has no qualms about that.
I got home late, the wife was in her bed, I didn't say anything to her, I just went to bed. I did go see her and talk to her this morning. Before I left, I gave her a hug; I need to stop doing that, but it's so hard. I'll work on that for sure, detaching.
Until next time, good luck to you all.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
OM's W just asked me to send her my W's phone number. I'm not sure I should do that.
Part of me wants to, hoping it will get her to end the A, but at the same time, if I do this, W will be furious with me, and will want to move the D as fast as possible.
I don't think I can send her the phone number, at least not right now, but wanted to see if there was any advice here.
Thanks.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
Don't let this spin out of your control nutts. Let things slow down a bit. A lot has happened he past cpl days. Best to stop reacting and put some time between your decisions.
As to your question, no good advice from me. One of the vets may be able to help
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
well, OMs W confronted OM and my W is furious with me, blaming me for ruiming the OMs family, even tho i told her it was me that [censored] a married man.
she ended the convo saying,you get ur finances in order asap, this thing is moving forward.
i was strong through it all, but now, alone, i juzt want to curl in a ball and cry. i probably will. i feel she slipping away for good, and she wont ever forgive me for ruining her OMs marriage.
just down right now, this [censored] worse than anything in my life. i have my son at least, so thats something.
good night dbers, and good luck.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
A lot has happened in a short period of time nutts. You're going through a massive emotional swing right now as things move so quickly. It's hard to do, but you've got to take a step back and get the control back.
You've out'ed the A, so at this point it's how to deal with it. No going back and replaying it and wondering if you should have done it or not. You need to be in the present, in the moment, and get yourself off the emotional roller coaster and back to neutral. Nothing good happens when you are at these emotional extremes.
What is your plan for you for when you wake up? What are you going to do to help yourself? I'd offer a run, a hike, or even going for a long walk would help immensely. Don't follow around your W. Don't wait around the house for her. Get up before her and be gone. Don't leave a note. Don't tell her where. Just go out and do something for yourself to get your head clear.
As for your W, you don't need her forgiveness. You shouldn't be looking for her to forgive you for outting the A. That's her circus. Was it the right thing to do? Who knows, but it's done.
Stick to doing things that are the right thing to do. Keep your integrity and honor intact. You should not do or don't do things bc of how your W will respond. Do them bc they are the right thing to do.
Get some rest. Get some time to clear your head. Tomorrow is a new day. Take it an hour at a time if necessary. Be strong and keep pushing ahead. We are here to support you brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402, I appreciate the advice and kind words. my emotions settled down after a bit. the wife came home, and wanted me to leave, go to my parents. I started to do it, but decided I didn't want to leave my house. she has a friend over now while I'm watching football in MBR.
Tomorrow, yes, I have to get on the roof and clear a clog in a downspout, afterwards, getting out sounds good, a jog or walk around the park sounds nice.
I understand this will be a long ride, I'm not looking forward to it, but I've got to GAL and work on myself.
it means a lot you guys take time out to help out, that KS again.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
