I don't think the concentration is affected. He's talking less with me, but I think that is partially justified because it's a new relationship with her and it does need time, but to some extent she is also being overly demanding. She would keep him on the phone all night until he was falling asleep, every night. I told him he is blind and that she is doing this because she just doesn't want him to come sleep with me, because she is jealous. He didn't dispute that. He literally would come to bed and fall asleep in only 10 seconds.
On the other hand, he does seem to have a warped sense of time. He told me one time "I only talk to her 1-2 hours a night" when it actually was 6-8 hours a day. I had read that people do sometimes misjudge time when they are in MLC and so I didn't bother to correct him on that ridiculous point. And he also said, "but I spend all day with you" when actually I mostly saw him for 2 minutes at a time when he came in and out to get something or change his clothes, but that was not due to a lack of attention span, just that he was busy.
He's very busy with preparing the home for her and his work. I'm not going to say what he does as I want to keep my identity obscured here but not only do his customers come to his workplace, he's got them coming to the house on the weekends and sometimes at other times so he might lie down for a nap and have to get up again in 2 minutes because someone shows up. We recently moved to where we are now and we had our home to ourselves all the time before even no visitors so it is a change.
bpetra that is interesting. It may be that he is busy, but he doesn't even go online to read the news like he used to every day and because we had to take down our satellite dish temporarily, there's no tv to watch either, and he used to watch every night, although he stopped watching tv pretty much when we moved so that isn't really related. It's like talking to someone who has shut himself off from the world beyond his own. I have to tell him what is going on in the world. It kind of makes it a bit more difficult to have a normal conversation like we used to.
I'm curious about this. My husband is a bit unusual for a man, he hates pursuing, absolutely hates it. He likes to be chased. This was a big hangup for him about looking for another wife because he was so afraid of being rejected. He told me all this. I've always been the pursuer in our relationship.
On the other hand, he wants now to be in control of when he comes to me and the other wife. I'm not ok with that, but I agree with you I need to accept that part of it to get his attention, but I really don't think there would be any benefit of my being aloof if he does come. I just don't think it will send the right message as it would really hurt him rather than make him want to pursue. His pursuit is just in showing up, not in whether I make a meal or say I love you or whatever.
Over the last few months he has come home so many times and wrongly perceived a negative look on my face that sent him running out of the room, when it probably was just that I had been asleep and just woke up. I actually told him this when we had our relationship talk. I said let's just live our lives, but don't in the future imagine I am upset, if you had stuck around a minute or two you would have seen I was happy to see you, not angry at you. "If you come, I won't spend my time being nasty to you." Honestly, this I think could be the ace up my sleeve as I think the other wife will probably get emotional with him about me if she knows he is with me and maybe clingy, whereas I am not going to waste my time with whining about him being with her when I actually do get to spend time with him. I'll enjoy it for what it is because I know this is what he wants to hear from me.
Actions speak louder than words. Instead of talking to him about what you are or are not doing, show him. Also, it might be best not to discuss what the other wife is doing. After all, he's caught between two women that he cares for and this might actually feed his ego a bit. So, step back, only discuss what pertains to you and leave the other wife to look like the jealous woman that she may be.
As for taking naps, sounds like he's not sleeping very well at night. Maybe he can't turn his thoughts off and his brain is running a mile a minute.
Be the safe place for him to land. Stay as positive as you can and keep the focus on you for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Afternoon naps are normal where we live due to the climate, also his working hours are the evening, so he goes to bed late.
I got a hold of DB and started reading up through chapter 2 so far. I like that it focuses on practical tips and change and moving forward. It's my kind of thing as I am not into Freudian psychobabble.
I avoid discussing the other wife unless he brings her up. Sometimes he seems to be uncomfortable if I mention her, even in a positive way. Facing reality I guess is why he doesn't like it.
We did have a good conversation just now, he told me about what work has been going on for her accommodations and some decorating and construction stuff that would affect both of us. I was kind of surprised he brought it up himself because whenever I would ask before he didn't want to answer me and got annoyed.
But then I sent him a positive affirming text message this morning. I try to keep the encouraging things in writing so he doesn't feel the obligation to respond and can read them and just let them sink in, and then leave our talks to non-relationship stuff. Seems to have worked the last few days.
bpetra that is interesting. It may be that he is busy, but he doesn't even go online to read the news like he used to every day and because we had to take down our satellite dish temporarily, there's no tv to watch either, and he used to watch every night, although he stopped watching tv pretty much when we moved so that isn't really related. It's like talking to someone who has shut himself off from the world beyond his own. I have to tell him what is going on in the world. It kind of makes it a bit more difficult to have a normal conversation like we used to.
It is interesting & probably more common that we realize..
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
We all know we can't fix our MLC spouses. Obviously, we are part of the problem in their mind so we can't really provide them with the kind of support we otherwise would be able to give and move it along. But what about other people? Can their family (e.g. parents, siblings) help them through it in any way? If they are confused, can someone else who knows them well help them through it?
We all know we can't fix our MLC spouses. Obviously, we are part of the problem in their mind so we can't really provide them with the kind of support we otherwise would be able to give and move it along. But what about other people? Can their family (e.g. parents, siblings) help them through it in any way? If they are confused, can someone else who knows them well help them through it?
The problem is .... they do not seem to think there is a problem, they are unhappy and will pursue things that make them happy, they feel a rush doing this ... Affairs, drinking, drugs, spending money, maybe all of these... whatever the fix like an addict they pursue this. So the spouse, family, friends really can not help them through this, they need to face it alone and get to that dark place that was the reason the crisis started, deal with that and slowly heal and come out of the tunnel. Problem with this is then facing the damage done, bridges burnt ... some run back in, some accept it is what it is and the damage is done and they attempt to pick up what is left and live with the results, others may try to make amends .... some sadly never come out of that tunnel ... results vary.
In the end, it is their path to walk and they make their own choices. I believe that other people can say or do things that have a positive or negative effect, but I believe that it is not usually deliberate attempts to change them that have the biggest effect, but random comments that happen to strike them at a receptive moment.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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