You will survive this

[HaWho]

Hmm. I find most people here are not easily influenced by others. In fact, I see the opposite sort of people. I see people who knew something was off with their spouses and were looking for the ways to help. When we have told any "real" person what our spouses are doing and said we are standing, most of us have been scoffed at and told to "move on" and yet we did not. I describe us as the "loyal to the finish" and "against all odds" variety.

When I see downtrodden posts, I find myself empathizing. And then, the way it influences me is to reassure the person for standing under such trying conditions. I don't see it as influencing me to be negative. I see this as a safe, non judgmental place to voice very deep, dark concerns that no one in the real world understands. So I read it and say: oh, I can validate that feeling and post something to lift this person up as I see he/she is going through something very difficult.

As for speaking negatively about our spouses, I think in this instance people are discussing hating the behavior but loving the person. There are many people here who have faced incredible circumstances. Some spouses have done some, or even all, of the following: maxed out credit cards, spent inheritances/savings, turned to outside men/women for validation of their feelings, sought relief through drugs and/or abandoned their families entirely.

I don't think any of us here condone the behaviors. We are trying to cope with the behaviors to which our spouses turn. And yet we are here working through all the emotions we have (which are real and valid) and yet we still hold on to love, hope, faith and sympathy.

And yes, attitude is important. However, I am sorry to say this view can also be very simplistic and border on blaming the victim (the LBS). There are many, many people here who have shown tremendous compassion and kindness throughout and yet their spouses remained lost. Reading someone's signature is not going to tell you who is successful and who is not. You have to know the whole story and watch the whole journey.

Many MLCers choose not to return because THEY cannot face what they have done. The LBS can forgive it, the MLCer cannot. The signature cannot reflect the complexity inherent in true MLC.