2Lady, You raise some valid points, but please don't take offense at what I'm about to say. I feel that NO ONE here comes to the boards to be a role model. I believe that EVERY poster originally comes to the boards seeking help, advice, guidance and support during a sad and often desperate time in their relationship. Yes, they do come here to talk about themselves while seeking help and laying out the details of their situation as it unfolds; but also as a way of organizing the chaotic tangle of thoughts and feelings that fill their heads. What each person's story and ensuing support or advice from other posters brings to the table is invaluable...each person is able to find a connection, a gem of advice, a spark or epiphany that might help them to learn or grow or heal on their own journey. Role models arise through wisdom gained in relating their own situations or through connections made with other posters...they can make mistakes or offer advice that doesn't necessarily "work". They are learning and growing, too. They are often "vets"; not experts.
With that said, I believe most people come to these boards to try to save their M. D is not what we want. Yet there is a reason that it has been said that it is not over until we say it is as well as we can't control our MLCer...two things that seem to be at odds. In my case, as in many others, the time between BD, H moving out, and D filed by H was so quick I hardly had found DB and started that process much less taken a breath. It takes time to learn to 180 and get control over your emotional state when dealing with rejection from someone who you thought was in love with you as much as you were in love with them. In some cases, D is inevitable as the MLCer may have decided that D is the only chance to be happy, even though (in my H's case) he keeps saying he's not. They HAVE to find out on their own as they make their way through this journey. By being patient, kind, and loving toward them (as you mentioned) when interacting or speaking of them to others in real life, we are still showing them our love while allowing them to not feel pressured or controlled as they make their way on their own. And many of the LBS are going to vent on these boards so it (hopefully) doesn't come out to our MLCer; they (we) are going to sometimes make mistakes though as we are trying to gain control over the only thing we can...ourselves. I don't think most people on here believe you can't INFLUENCE your MLCer; the idea is to realize you can't CONTROL them. So we GAL to try to learn how to love and gain control of ourselves, and let them be in control of themselves.
So, do we discount the advice or stories brought to these forums by those who are D but have not given up on DBing as "failures"? I believe in some cases dropping the rope and moving forward is not actually giving up on your relationship, but seeing that the MLCer feels that he needs to see an end to the M as an end to his pain and that if his pain continues, it might cause him to look deeper into himself and do the hard work of finding out the true cause of his pain. If we can work on ourselves while the MLCer is working on themselves, maybe there is a chance of R. So, for many of those who D and move on to be happy with themselves, but do not remarry...DBing is still ongoing. We have a lot to learn from them. "Success" by your definition of saving the marriage has may not have happened, but saving the relationship may still be possible.
For those who have moved forward and have DECIDED that it was over, remarried or not, they may have failed to save the marriage, but call their ability to find happiness a success. I don't believe we can discount their advice or lessons learned, either. Their ability to find happiness after the low times and their techniques and resources can benefit those who are still struggling to DB their relationships, no matter what phase they are in.
I think as long as you follow the guidelines of being patient, loving and respectful to your MLC spouse, while using this safe place to vent or share frustration, anger, sadness and any other emotions you have, you will not be influencing others in a bad way. You will be simply sharing the story of your own journey with an unknowable outcome and a lot of amazing insights along the way. There is no situation that can lead to success or failure by following it...we are all too complex and different. All you can do is try to let your MLCer do their thing, while treating them with love and respect from a pressure free distance until they chose to turn to you.
