The Fight For Self III

[hawker]

I agree. I am a summer 2016 and you guys have helped me through a lot. I always feel better when I come here to read others sitch or get advice on my own. CT you are amazing!!

[maybs]

I also first got on here over the summer. and it does oddly calm me down sometimes. It really is helpful to have people outside of the situation be able to give you more rational advice.

You really give some food for thought here!

[CT1118]

CT-- how are you?

You won an award in my book a long time ago....

I agree. I am a summer 2016 and you guys have helped me through a lot. I always feel better when I come here to read others sitch or get advice on my own. CT you are amazing!!

Thank you all, quite seriously, thank you. I don't try to be, but it really means a whole lot to have support from my friends here. I don't feel amazing right now, I feel really exhausted...with almost everything. As in literally tired, not fed up.

I believe I am mostly good. My attitude is still quite positive. Between work, graduate school, being a father, my sitch etc - I am just worn out. I commented on SH_'s thread not that long ago about how my daily new, fresh, and exciting GAL's tasks had come to an end - mostly because Graduate school at night fills up every minute not at work or with son - and that this summer left me really tired emotionally. It was exciting and tragic at the same time.

I downloaded some divorce paperwork this week. Started filling it out. I know why I did it, but divorce is still not what I want. F -it. I am not sad. I am not happy. I still feel great about me. Just in a place where I am wondering if this has all gone as far as it will go and I am not sure I feel bad or scarred. I'm disappointed, you know?

Usually don't write like this. Guessing someone will pick up on it. Tired, not much sleep in past two days. Hungry, not much food either.

"When the time comes,
let us lay down in the forest
so birds in their bellies,
may carry our forgotten pieces
above the tree line and into the night."

[Wonka]

CT,

I downloaded some divorce paperwork this week. Started filling it out. I know why I did it, but divorce is still not what I want. F -it.

Why? Why are doing the paperwork if you don't want a D?

[lt0402]

Agree with Wonka CT. Is she pushing on you to do the paperwork?

I hear you on the tiredness of this. I'm at that point also. It's not being fed up and it's not giving up. It's almost like our bodies have become conditioned to this. Unsure if that's a good or bad thing.

With you being so busy w/ grad school and your S, how's the exercise going? Got to keep that up and it'll help you through this rut.

Keep being strong brother! Don't do the paperwork unless you want to.

[CT1118]

CT,

I downloaded some divorce paperwork this week. Started filling it out. I know why I did it, but divorce is still not what I want. F -it.

Why? Why are doing the paperwork if you don't want a D?

Good question - I should have pointed out that I stopped filling it out. the "*-it" part was a comment on me not feeling the energy to write about it right now, not a comment on the M. I can see where that would be confusing.

Why I printed out and began filling out was a moment of complete frustration at the situation. I know - I know. I know what I have learned, read, prepared for, worked towards, what I seek in the future, my goals....all this. Just hit a real point of frustration like I have not experienced in my journey so far.

Not angry, not sad, no tears, no apathy, no depression, not trying to make sense of her, or the sitch - in fact nothing that felt like what it used to be at all. Frustration is really the best word I can think of. Wondering if it arrived b/c of all the positive movements made combined with full on fatigue.

[ForGump]

CT--

First, who wrote the verse? It's beautiful.

I might be at a similar place as you. Although I can't say I'm frustrated. Fatigued. Or just seeing things for how they really are. Maybe there is wisdom in fighting a battle. Going against the tide. But maybe there is also wisdom in seeing things for what they are. And accepting it.

Also, at some point, your whole being -- not just the brain -- wants to feel peace and warmth.

[SH_]

Thank you all, quite seriously, thank you. I don't try to be, but it really means a whole lot to have support from my friends here. I don't feel amazing right now, I feel really exhausted...with almost everything. As in literally tired, not fed up.

CT my friend, my SuperHero brother...
I completely understand this feeling...
I have been caught in the same quicksand of late...
I find exhaustion the order of each day, in spite of efforts with exercise and healthy eating, although I might be able to sleep a bit more. Not that I am not sleeping fine, just that I am up at all hours reading and trying to find answers to questions...and not even sure what the questions are...

I believe I am mostly good. My attitude is still quite positive. Between work, graduate school, being a father, my sitch etc - I am just worn out. I commented on SH_'s thread not that long ago about how my daily new, fresh, and exciting GAL's tasks had come to an end - mostly because Graduate school at night fills up every minute not at work or with son - and that this summer left me really tired emotionally. It was exciting and tragic at the same time.

I also am at this same crossroads...
The GAL activities have tailed off as the pressing matters of surviving and progressing take up much time and create a routine that feels to burn the candle at both ends...and the remaining time is put into time with my daughters.
I am sensing this may be yet another leg in the journey that we are taking and that there is opportunity for growth and progress...

I downloaded some divorce paperwork this week. Started filling it out. I know why I did it, but divorce is still not what I want. F -it. I am not sad. I am not happy. I still feel great about me. Just in a place where I am wondering if this has all gone as far as it will go and I am not sure I feel bad or scarred. I'm disappointed, you know?

I get this...I have fought with the little angel and devil on my shoulders over this many a days...
She has stalled in pushing this fast paced D process...
And I am not sure if this is good, or if I should just jump in and end it...
Limbo as they call it is not a comfortable place...No pain, no peace, no sadness, no joy...just blah!...nothing.
Kind of like a vortex in time...a time that I will look back at as a hole in my life.

don't write like this. Guessing someone will pick up on it. Tired, not much sleep in past two days. Hungry, not much food either.

"When the time comes,
let us lay down in the forest
so birds in their bellies,
may carry our forgotten pieces
above the tree line and into the night."

You are human...you are on the right path...you are doing the right things...do take pause on occasion...growth takes place both physically and mentally when we take a moment too rest and catch our breath and stop pushing against the resistance.
A second wind will come up and then you will jump back into the fray...

"We’d never know what’s wrong without the pain. Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." -The Fray All at Once

[SH_]

Good question - I should have pointed out that I stopped filling it out. the "*-it" part was a comment on me not feeling the energy to write about it right now, not a comment on the M. I can see where that would be confusing.

Why I printed out and began filling out was a moment of complete frustration at the situation. I know - I know. I know what I have learned, read, prepared for, worked towards, what I seek in the future, my goals....all this. Just hit a real point of frustration like I have not experienced in my journey so far.

Not angry, not sad, no tears, no apathy, no depression, not trying to make sense of her, or the sitch - in fact nothing that felt like what it used to be at all. Frustration is really the best word I can think of. Wondering if it arrived b/c of all the positive movements made combined with full on fatigue.

I completely understand your thoughts and sentiments here...eerily identical thoughts for several weeks now...
I find your comment that it may be due to positive movement combined with fatigue, of particular interest to me...I have been trying to put my finger on a reason for this myself. You have given me something to think on.

CT, feel confident in simply taking a moment to rest, breathe and move your thoughts to nothingness...meditation... the short break can bring you a renewed strength and energy for the next leg of your journey.

I appreciate all that you have shared and supported for me...I am here to return the favor my DB brother.
Your are an excellent human being and I look up to you for what you have brought to this table for me and many others.
Share some of the same with yourself.
You deserve it.

[CT1118]

IT - no, she is not pushing the paper work; it was me on my own......................good guess, the exercise has fallen off. Not by choice, by fault of boundaries - and not by her, at work. Work has been Hll lately. Sounds weak, but it has been. I had very good about refusing to do things around my lunch hour so I could work out - fell off somewhere. I know where, one of the political candidates for POTUS visited a month ago and it was a major disrupt which coincided with some other BS- blah....I allowed the disrupt and have not stopped it.

FG - the verse is from a poem I published about 19 years ago, second thing I had ever had published. I wrote it about my youth leaving me. The above was the final stanza. My dad was in an MLC and had been gone a very long time, five years at least - he came home right before I moved away from D.C. to attend college and told me if he died, he wanted to be lain in the forest to rot. That he trusted me over my mother and brother to make that happen. My guess is b/c he knew I would actually be able to make that happen - little emotion this one. This coincided with me loosing a friend to crack cocaine, he did not die, but I still lost him; he was my brother. The above was my take on it at 20 yrs old.

Before me right now. The light is down the hall...a small hall of an apartment. The only other light is this laptop screen before me. The laptop is lighting sinew in my hands...tendons and bone. I can see my tattoo'ed arms, half sleeved each, bicep and vein on each side, the art does not seem important right now...not much weight on me these days - a result of eating only fiber and seconds converted to pushups. FG. my frustration is not for why things are - my frustration is for what my choices are.

I am finally at a place where I can choose to walk away - clean. To be done, to be rid of it, to know I did what I could do. I detached - I did it, I did it a while ago, and now, now....the options of life are upon me me, and what do I do with that? I don't want to be done, but I got there. What does one do with all this comfort as one's self? Hence my comment earlier "f-it" I feel so done, I want to sleep for days. I want to wake up and know what I want to say.

I got to what I asked for - what I asked for of me. I got to where I am ok being me. Comfortable being alone, comfortable letting her go, comfortable knowing a future in her absence. And here I am - in a place where I could ask her to stay and mean it or tell her to go away and mean it....and am not seeing a difference between the two. I am so gdmn tired man. I just want to sleep, sleep more than a few hours. Its been weeks, or less, or more.

Positive news today though. Red Cross volunteer work wants to to train me beyond their average blood truck bear. I am happy to do so, have to give back.