I feel like I need to go against the grain and throw a 2*4 your way. I may rub some of you the wrong way, but I'm ok with that, because I truly believe what I'm telling you.
You keep saying that your "focus is absolutely on me," but I don't see that to be true. I think your focus is on him and his actions, being a lighthouse for him to come back to, and now this victimhood, which are all keeping you at a standstill. You are taking care of yourself but you are not letting go.
I agree with what Surfer is saying--and he has a much gentler approach--so now can we focus on Cherry and a real solution to it? Why? Because it will help you find strength and move forward before this baby comes and two, I think it is your only shot at saving your marriage.
I think the lighthouse approach is more suited to a WAH, not one in the affair fog. Your WH knows you are sitting there waiting for him and honestly, I think he is losing respect for you. He knows he doesn't deserve you. That and people want what they can't have. In addition, by being a perpetual victim, you remind him that he is the perpetrator, and he continues to grow resentment towards you. You remind him that he is the "bad guy."
Think about it Cherry; you are the beautiful, accepting, wife, that is offering him family, a home, and stability. You also have the added vulnerability of being pregnant. And who is he? He is the POS, cheating H, that is leaving it all behind. Every time he looks at you, you remind him of that. Even his own mother takes your side and thinks he is a POS. So what is he to do? Just do the right thing and spend the next several years with his tail between his legs? No man wants to do that!
In my honest opinion, he wants to respect you and do the right thing, he is only human. But under these conditions, he cannot. And let's face it, no one wants the victim. So as I see it Cherry, you have one shot at saving this M and that is to do a 180 amid let him go. Find that Latin power, remind yourself you deserve better than this, and tell him enough is enough. Kick his arse to the curb! Then you let him go. Let him go out into the world and fall on his own. Let him see what he is missing out on at home. Let him fear he has lost you.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I honestly think this is the only choice you've got left. Read the threads--mine, Saras, Lims, all of them--when the wayward believes they have lost you is when they start to reevaluate. You also have to be willing to accept he may not come back. This works in your favor tho because you don't really want a man that doesn't love you do you? Is the confident Cherry really okay with a cheating H coming and going as he pleases, while you take care of his babies? What would you tell your best friend?
More important than ANY of this, him living there continues to create a toxic environment for you and the babies. Enough is enough. Cherry, it's time to "absolutely put your focus on you." You can do this! Kick him out today and tell him you are done living with a cheating liar. (P.S. He wants you to).
Blu
Perfect Blu. I hope you can share this same thing with Sara... I have written something similar several times but did not post it as I am learning of the waywardness from the outside and don't think I am the one it should come from... Sara needs this as well...WH has no respect and is very disrespectful...
Sorry to thread jack but I need to address this. I have put boundaries in place with my WH. MY DB coach and the videos I have watched by MWD both support the technique I am using. I have basically stepped back and allowed my WH to take his journey. The only person who can determine if setting an ultimatum (such as kicking a WS out) is the person who has to live with the decision. I am making the marriage a good place to be without pursuing, begging or threatening. MWD tells people to try different things and then sit back and see what gets you the results you want. She specifically says that the theory of "cake eating" is nonsense and letting your ego get in the way of your goal, which is saving your marriage.
If Cherry gives her WH a meal and he continues to walk all over her then she should change her technique. If he ends up coming home more and more because it is starting to remind him of her amazing qualities, then she should stick to it. This isn't a technique of completely back and white lines, it is one of trial and error. It is a marathon that can takes months to even a few years. If Cherry wants to continue to run this marathon then we should support her and let her decide when she is done.
Sorry to come across strident but every one is different, every marriage is different. I will continue to support Cherry in her journey, if I don't agree with her technique then I may offer alternative options but again, her choice.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
