It's a difficult path to follow, none of us "Really" know what's best. But the script is so similar that we can often suggest the path with the best odds. But none of us know you, your WW, or OM, so impossible to know if any of the advise is the best way.
I would suggest you not say anything to anyone until you have some sort of proof, because as soon as you do anything, your WW is likely to start changing passwords and locking phone, it will be very difficult to get anything once the cats out of the bag.
take a minute and really think things through, because once you out an A, you can NEVER take that back. There are few things that we LBS can say or do that can permanently change the direction our R is headed, but outing an A has a big impact on multiple people, so just think it through, there's no hurry to decide.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, and her and my parents know, but not my friends, although many of her friends do know about the sitch. She's willing to tell people, which seems more of a likelyhood that NOTHING I do will save it, but I have to try something.
one other thing, when you say all these people know, are you saying they know about M issues, or that they know about the A?
I'm guessing they know about the M issues. So just because family knows that there is trouble in the M doesn't make the road back together any harder, in fact they are all routing for you two to get back together. But once they know about an A, it changes your families view and feelings about your WW, no matter what they will like her less because she hurt you. That's what I mean about making it harder to piece, because she would not only have to piece with you but with your family in order for her to come back, and that may be a daunting task.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm not sure who, if anyone besides me, and possibly one of her very good friends knows about the A. My W has vilified any celebrity that has cheated on their spouse (Brad Pitt, Angelina, Tricia Yearwood, Tiger Woods etc.), and for her to be caught in an A would blow her act out of the water. I understand it's weapon that has a chance to backfire, but, at some point, I'm going to have to take that chance to expose and end this A.
I'll try and get more evidence, but she's very careful about it (I have to catch the messages before she deletes them from FB).
I'll work on it, and, while i want this thing to move fast, I have to understand it will probably be a long process.
Appreciate the advice, again, caring for a stranger. I hope to repay someone else down the road, maybe with a story of a good ending, but at least with some knowledge.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
It's not a weapon. It's a step toward removing distractions from working on your marriage. It's impossible to work on a marriage if there are more than two people in it. The person in the A goes into a fog and they're not themselves. You can't reason with them. They're not going to do anything logically while an A is going on. You'd be wasting your time to even try to work on the marriage if there is an active A.
Personally I was db'ing and didn't expose. The OBS did. She exposed to everyone and that did, in fact, end the A.
Well, I came home, and the wife had been working on the home. She'd taken down many of the light switch panels and put on the originals we had, and had taken down the light fixture in the dining room and trying to put up an old one.
I asked her, Why are you doing this?" She says, "I just felt like it." I'm like, "What? Come on, really why did you do it?" She says, "I was looking for something to do."
I said, "You planning on taking them with you?" She says, "Well, they're not staying here."
There you go, it's obvious she's 100% serious about moving out, and the next step after that is D.
I told her, "You're doing this stuff without asking me? Is this not our house?" Of course, she gets defensive, "It's not a big deal, you don't care about them anyway." (which is kind of true, but still.
I'm angry right now. She went upstairs in a huff, I went to the basement, and here I am.
I need to cool off a bit. I'm hoping to go out with a friend tonight, and if not, I'll go watch some sports at a bar for a bit, get out.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
If doodler was around, I'm sure he woulda said that you shoulda waited until she was reconnecting the red wires and then quickly flipped the breaker back on...
All kidding aside, it does seem as though she is trying to set up her perfect life, the chandelier she picked out, the light switch covers she so loved, etc... Blah blah blah.
I think it's a bit unusual, but who cares about that stuff. Look, if you have a lot of cash, you may want to protect 1/2, if you have credit cards with a lot of available credit you may want to call and lower the credit limit, but let her do her thing. She will eventually have everything she thought she wanted and still find herself miserable.
I walked out of my big house with 3 pieces of furniture, 1 bowel, 1 plate, and about 5 cups, and my grills and grill accessories. I let her have everything else, cause I don't need that stuff to be happy. Let her do her thing, let her see what she thinks will make her happy won't.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh, btw, I still don't think D is next... I think she thinks the grass is greener, but we all know it isn't, because whichever side of the fence your on, there you are.
She wants her space, she wants to see what it's like on her own, she thinks she can be happy without you nutts (lol), let her see she'll miss you nuts (couldn't help myself)...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I confronted my W about the OM. We talked calmly for a bit, she giving me the "Well, do you blame me!?" after a bit. I guess after I kept on (I was angry), she started to cry, and then stormed off in tears.
I stopped her before she left, and while I was angry, my heart was hurting for her crying. It's the strangest thing, I still love her, and when she cries, it hurts my heart.
However, before she left for her mom's she asked me if I had contacted OM, I said no, why, she says, "Just wondering how far I'd go" I guess she thinks talking to the OM is awful, well, I wonder how she'll fell that I sent a message to OM's W.
It was sent via FB messenger, and I can see she has messenger too, so she should get notified of it at least. Guess we'll see what happens. I don't have any real proof to show, but my W agreed it happened, and when she said, "I dated him" I said, "You mean you [censored] his brains out!" she just kind of looked at me.
She's now more sure it's over than ever. I don't see how this ends well. We were amicable before this, I do hope we get back to that at some point at least.
Thanks for listening guys. I'm going to get a beer somewhere, see if my buddy wants to join me.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
she thinks she can be happy without you nutts (lol), let her see she'll miss you nuts (couldn't help myself)...
Thank you for the LOL's, I needed it right now. I had a little smile with the puns.
We'll see what happens. I guess it'll be a long road.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
