To celebrate my good scan results -- I took a lazy day. Which was really good and I was feeling really strong, until I tried to sneak a nap. Very restless sleep filled with thoughts and nightmares of H.
I am still just trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. That he would be choosing anyone and everyone instead of me. But he is also choosing this life over my D as well. Sure, he sees her every couple of weeks, but that is not the same as being there every night for her. He is also avoiding all responsibilities. He takes a small allowance each week and I pay all his bills. That was suppose to stop this month, but he forgot to move his direct deposit. I guess we will see if he remembers to do it in November. His condo rent free until January -- lucky for him.
Next week would be 2 months since BD. I am no longer a quivering mess, but I still cry daily. I hate having the hours after my D goes to bed and anytime I am alone. I know that I need to love myself and enjoy being alone. I am so mad at him for this crisis, but I do see where I need to change. I want to be a better person. I hope that one day he wakes up and decides he wants to come home ...
