Letting my weight down...

[sage]

Deb -- No prob about the questions! Here's my sitch as posted on 3/13/03 when I made the leap to Piecing:

******************************* 3/13/03********
Quick recap -- Both 36, no kids, married 7 years, known each other for 17. I suspected A. starting in 6/02 after sensing something going on for H. and his co-worker (she's also part of our social circle). H denied calmly. My feeling didn't go away so I asked sporadically over the next few months. H finally lost his cool at end of 08/02, told me that my evilness and paranoia would lead me to try to "ruin" then-suspected-ow and her H (he also works at same company as H) and that he HAD to quit his job to protect her from me. Told me that he wanted a D., no longer loved me, never did, it "never felt right", etc.

H. quit the next day and has been out of work since. He didn't leave and we made some tentative steps forward. I started C. with our former MC to deal with my "trust issues".

Returned from a C. session on 11/1/02, went to check my email and up popped H's account. Found a folder of emails from ow that confirmed long time EA (at least) and some physical contact (still have no idea to the extent). Confronted H., he admitted having an "inappropriate R. with ow", denied PA.

I freaked, cried, begged, dragged H to our MC. H said that he didn't want to leave me for ow but that he wasn't sure he wanted to be M AT ALL. MC told us to go to IC, that he couldn't help us if we didn't both have the same goal (whether goal was to continue M or dissolve it).

Found DB/DR in 12/02 and have been DB'ing since. Identified 180s pretty easily and learned quickly to shut up, listen and stop trying to control everything. H. has been very reponsive to efforts and has become very loving and attentive.

The biggest thing I run into now is not knowing whether H and ow are still in contact. H's actions are very positive and loving but he has struggled with the words of reassurance. I've been having a very hard time dealing with that but have also recognized (through DB'ing and IC) that I DO have trust and intimacy issues, that I HAVE been keeping H at arms length for the course of our M, that I HAVE been waiting ALL ALONG for H. to cheat and then leave me 'cause I'd convinced myself that I DESERVED to be hurt then left.

Have made the leap to Piecing after recognizing that the things that I CAN control are my own actions -- my desire to love and appreciate my H and M, my desire to learn how to satisfy H's needs, my desire to stop treating myself as damaged goods. What I CANNOT control is H. And I CANNOT control whether or not I will be lied to and hurt. I cannot live my life any longer expecting the worst to happen. I must chose to live it with an open heart.

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Sage