New LBH with WAW/possibly WW, need help.

[Coconut]

Oh, I forgot to add.. If you're going to expose, first get proof, then take your WW stuff out of the bedroom, when she asks why, calmly state that you will not share your marital bed with cheater, that you will not be in an open M and she can find somewhere else to sleep.

Do not "talk about it".. Do not be mean, just tell her you will not be part of an open M, nothing else. Do NOT tell her you are still willing to work on M, just leave the house for awhile. You want her to think she's lost you, you want her wondering what your thinking. Just completely leave her in the dark. If your accusatory, mean or spiteful it will hurt your chances of getting her back... Just leave the house (don't tell her your going to contact OM W either).

Then message OM W with your proof.

[nutts]

I actually had an idea that I might try, see what y'all think.

Instead of telling the OM's W, maybe I'll message OM, tell him if he doesn't end the A, I'll expose the A to his W and make his marriage horrible.

I think it's a better solution than exposing to W, because, this way, he can avoid the issues with his W; otherwise, if the OM's W raises hell, he might just say "F'it, I'm going to keep cheating, the cat's out of the bag already."

Something like this "Hi, This is <me>, Husband of W, I know of your A with my W, and if you do not stop the A within the next 3 days, I'll message your W, and expose the A to her. If you value your marriage and your kids, you'll end the A. I don't care how, tell her you're guilty, you can't do it to your W, whatever. If, 3 days pass, and I find out nothing's changed between you and my W, I will expose your A to your wife"

Thoughts?

[nutts]

Coconut,

The OM lives 800+ miles away, so there's no "I'm going over to his house for a bit." That's why, outside of them meeting at the Beach, it's all been an EA over messages and possibly phone calls.

I'm thinking, if I can get the OM to end the affair by the threat of exposing, maybe she'll try to reconcile. Obviously, we have things we need to work on in our relationship if it happens, but it'd be better than where we are now.

Or, maybe she still continues with the D, but it's worth a shot.

[Coconut]

oh, for some reason I was thinking he was an hour away.. I guess I got mixed up with someone else's sitch.

If you tell OM, he is going to tell your W, so before you say anything to OM or his W, you need to enforce the boundary of not being willing to be in an open M with your WW. If she finds out you know and have done nothing about it, she will know she can walk all over you and you will do nothing. Not a very attractive trait, you NEED to address it with your WW first.

I think I would still follow my outline, I don't think you owe it to OM to give him a chance, I think you either need to expose the A or not. If you tell your WW and OM you know, they will agree to stop, and then go further underground so you don't know it continues. If it was me, I'd follow my plan outlined previously and let everyone take their own journey, I think it would be your best bet for your WW to work her way back to you.

Remember, this is a long journey, no matter what happens after you expose (if you do), this is not over and you are not going to magically return to happily married. You and your WW need to work on yourselves and only then, start to work on MR, if you don't, you will be back here within a few years.

[cat04]

While I don't want to get into a huge debate about whether to expose or not...

I will simply say that some people who post here support DB principals and some people don't.

I can tell you that there are bigger issues in this relationship than whether or not your W is having an affair.

I know for centuries, women have been taught to sit back and do nothing because men cheat and that is just how it is. Men, on the other hand, have a possessive caveman mentality that seems to believe that a woman cheating is much worse than anything a man can ever do. (Hence the story the Scarlett Letter).

Please be aware that if you expose, you are going to have to admit that you snooped and violated her privacy and it is going to get ugly. Just the nature of the beast.

[Surfer]

Nutts

I spoke to OM. I met with him and threatened I would get him sacked. I told her parents etc. I told her no more. They stopped then started again (definitely EA probably PA). I have gone from expose it to don't - it didn't work for me.

Surfer.

[nutts]

oh, for some reason I was thinking he was an hour away.. I guess I got mixed up with someone else's sitch.

If you tell OM, he is going to tell your W, so before you say anything to OM or his W, you need to enforce the boundary of not being willing to be in an open M with your WW.

I'm not sure #1, he would tell my W I threatened him, and that's why he's stopping the A; obviously it's a chance I might be willing to take. #2, I'm not in a position to set boundaries, my W wants a D, and if I say I won't be in an open M, she may say, "great, lets get those papers going."

If she finds out you know and have done nothing about it, she will know she can walk all over you and you will do nothing. Not a very attractive trait, you NEED to address it with your WW first.

If she finds out I know, I'll take the tough stance, but if she thinks I was in the dark, her A is over, maybe she'll look back to me; maybe she won't, but I have to try something.

I think I would still follow my outline, I don't think you owe it to OM to give him a chance, I think you either need to expose the A or not. If you tell your WW and OM you know, they will agree to stop, and then go further underground so you don't know it continues. If it was me, I'd follow my plan outlined previously and let everyone take their own journey, I think it would be your best bet for your WW to work her way back to you.

I guess there's a chance outwardly it might look to have stopped, yet they continue underground, but, with him being so far away, I'm not sure the pay-off will be worth it for him.

Remember, this is a long journey, no matter what happens after you expose (if you do), this is not over and you are not going to magically return to happily married. You and your WW need to work on yourselves and only then, start to work on MR, if you don't, you will be back here within a few years.

I understand totally, and I'm working on myself, and I know, if things turn around any, we'll have a lot of work on the R, but I have to try something, it's just looking bad.

Oh, and her and my parents know, but not my friends, although many of her friends do know about the sitch. She's willing to tell people, which seems more of a likelyhood that NOTHING I do will save it, but I have to try something.

Again, thanks for the help and the advice, I always take it to heart.

[TxHubby]

Coconut is spot on with the advice. You can't fix a marriage that has more than 2 people in it. First step, get rid of the extra person. Exposure will do that. THEN you can fix the marriage. The fog will dissipate and she'll see how dumb she has been.

[Coconut]

Nutts,

Obviously we disagree on this, and that's fine, your life your choice of how best to live it. Just a couple of things I want to point out:

1. I highly doubt your WW wants to D you, I wouldn't believe that until she signs on the dotted line.

2. The OM is going to tell your W if you approach him, just make sure to think through your actions with that scenario. In no way in this world is he not going to tell her.

I hope the way your scenario plays out in your mind is the way it happens, just be prepared in case it doesn't.

[nutts]

Guys,

Again, thanks for the advice. Coconut, I'm not sure what to believe about her wanting the D. I feel she really wants it, but I don't have any experience in this realm, I only know my W, and, typically, when she says something, she won't back down from it.

I'm trying to come up with the best way possible. I don't have any proof besides what my eyes saw on the messages (I didn't take screenshots, wish I had now), and I realize, since I'm not friends with OM's W, it'd be hard to ensure she gets my message.

I can ensure he gets it by sending the message through my W's FB account and threaten him.

Maybe I'll threaten him and tell my wife at the same time. Let my wife know I won't stand by while this goes on, and try and force his hand too.

I'm so conflicted, I want to do what's best, and I know it's impossible to truly know what's going to help or hurt. But, I know you guys have some experience in this realm, so I'm going to listen.

sigh...